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What do you tell the dcs when you've asked

(26 Posts)
winkywinkola Sat 13-Dec-14 05:26:02

your h to leave? I mean leave to stay with friends whilst I figure some things out.

I don't want to panic or upset them.

What can I say to them about Dad not being here?

pantsjustpants Sat 13-Dec-14 05:28:30

I don't know, but I'm about to do the same I think....

How old are your dc's?

winkywinkola Sat 13-Dec-14 05:38:31

9, 7, 5 and 2.

They adore their dad.

He's just been away for a week and I've found some emails between him and his girlfriend. Yep I snooped. I knew something was up.

I'm still in total and utter shock. Not slept last night.

Shitting it about money. No sympathy expected but the dcs will have to leave their private school.

I can't believe it. He always said he would never risk his family for the sake of "putting his cock in some woman."

Slag that he is. He's blaming me for lack of intimacy over the years. How he's sacrificed his happiness for me.

According to the emails which were full of "wow" and "still buzzing" and "you're great" and "I miss you " and "xxxxxxxxxxx xxx xxxxx" they must have had fantastic sex in the hotel room h booked for after his office party.

He won't tell me how they met. Denies having sex. He says they just hold hands and talk about ways to make their marriages better.

No wonder he's been talking about leaving a lot recently when ds1 has been playing up.

Shit and bollocks. Fucking slag. Apparently gorgeous Emma's husband is physically remote and uninterested in her too. So lots of mutual support between them.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sat 13-Dec-14 05:39:07

How old are they?

Even the brightest children generally believe 'Daddy had to go away for work' even if he still comes to see them. Odd but true.

Sorry you feel the need for some space to work stuff out, but well done for doing it.

Don't make the mistake of 'staying together for the kids'. The kids will be happier if you are happier, they know when things aren't good.

Take care both of you.

winkywinkola Sat 13-Dec-14 05:41:51

I've read about it so much on MN. hmm

He kept saying he was on the brink of a breakdown, how he wanted to escape etc.

so last week I told him to go. He suddenly switched and said he loved me and wanted to stay but could we work out some compromises.

I was so angry he'd done all this flip flopping about leaving or staying in front of the dcs, I refused to talk about it.

He went away for a week for work. Came back early Thursday full of love and hugs and kisses and went to work to catch up with stuff and go to office party.

winkywinkola Sat 13-Dec-14 05:42:56

I've read about it so much on MN. hmm

He kept saying he was on the brink of a breakdown, how he wanted to escape etc.

so last week I told him to go. He suddenly switched and said he loved me and wanted to stay but could we work out some compromises.

I was so angry he'd done all this flip flopping about leaving or staying in front of the dcs, I refused to talk about it.

He went away for a week for work. Came back early Thursday full of love and hugs and kisses and went to work to catch up with stuff and go to office party.

winkywinkola Sat 13-Dec-14 05:45:40

He's always been adamant he would never have an affair. Never. Always been disgusted at friends who have.

But this is because I "hate" him a apparently. He's been saying that a lot recently. I don't hate him. He's not the man I know. hmm

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sat 13-Dec-14 05:52:27

X posted.

Wow. They just hold hands and discuss how to make their marriages better.

How about not 'holding hands' with someone else for fucking starters!

How fucking stupid does he think you are?? Is it not bad enough that he's done it, but to treat you like you're a fucking imbecile to boot?

If it were me, I'd bypass the Daddy working away routine and go straight for the Daddy has broken the promises he made when we got married, so Daddy isn't going to be living here anymore.

Of course he's blaming you and the lack of intimacy, how fucking original. Git.

Money, that'll sort itself out somehow, you can't stay because it's too difficult (tempting though it is).

Kids having to change schools is awful, the last thing they need really when this is happening. I'd try to keep them there for the rest of the year or at least one more term if possible.

I'd be letting gorgeous Emma's DH know as well.

Xxx hug. It is shitty, really, really shitty. But you are worth so, so much more than trying to 'work things out'. It honestly is not worth the way that makes you feel. HE has trampled all over your marriage vows, your relationship & your family, don't let him keep doing it and don't let him blame you. Even if things were crap (which I'm betting they weren't before he started this) he had the option of acting like an adult and discussing it with you. Fucking Georgous Emma was not the solution. Fuckwit.

I really am so sorry, and sorry you had to read all of that bullshit that they emailed each other.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sat 13-Dec-14 05:55:28

The script. I have absolutely in idea how it works, if it's embedded in their tiny fucking brains in the womb or what, but they all follow it, practically word for word.

Of course you hate him and of course that's no reflection on how he feels about himself for having an affair hmm

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sat 13-Dec-14 05:57:52

What were these compromises he wanted you to make?

Not that it matters now, just curious how far he was pushing his luck?!

...as for blaming ds1 and flip flopping in front of the kids. How revolting and pathetic.

winkywinkola Sat 13-Dec-14 06:03:02

Is it the script?

Things were really quite bad before. We have struggled a lot with managing ds1 who is defiant to the extreme. We just can't manage him.

But to go and "hold hands" with someone?

He won't tell me any more about her. How they met. Just that she is very successful in my field! I've just started back at work freelancing.

He said they set up this email address for their chats. It's been going on for a month.

I said I would tell her husband. H said he won't tell me who she is and I am not to "ruin her life". And besides she won't leave her husband because she loves her dcs too much.

Just like dh put up with so much crap from me because he loves his dcs.

Am reeling. I hate the thought of my dcs leaving that school.

He says we should maximise the value of the house and sell it. But only after ds1 has sat his 11+ in September 2015.

He has come up with the neat plan of living in the spare room to save money so that the dcs can stay at the school for as long as possible before we sell up and separate.

We've got pil and my mum coming for Christmas. Shit shit shit.

The slag. I'm tripping out a bit because of no sleep. He still denies fucking her. You don't type "yesterday was amazing" "still buzzing" from a hand hold.

winkywinkola Sat 13-Dec-14 06:04:23

My poor children.

winkywinkola Sat 13-Dec-14 06:13:54

What the hell do I tell my mum? She's 80. It will upset her. And pil. They will be devastated. But knowing them they will turn against me as they are very black and white people.

Squeegle Sat 13-Dec-14 06:37:40

First of all, I don't think you need to tell anyone anything yet. You are in shock. You need a little time. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You must be reeling.

Talk to someone you can trust if you canbut leave any difficult conversations for a little while. You will be going through all sorts.

Re the children, follow the same pattern with them. They're too young, you just need to say dad's away with work for a bit. That's the time you need.

For the majority of people, life with small children is tiring, stressful and can cause pressures. It makes mothers in particular be very task focused, fraught, lacking in energy for fun, intimacy etc. in his case he has been totally unfair in looking elsewhere to relieve those pressures. It's hard for us to say whether what has happened is in fixable, but you certainly need him to give you that time.

I really know where you're coming from, but try to take your focus off her, it really isn't her who is one to blame. If your husband was unhappy then the place to start is by taking to you. Why would pil turn against you if your husband has been texting/ holding hands etc etc. you're right. I'm sure it didn't end there, but surely they would hold that against him, not you?

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sat 13-Dec-14 06:38:41

Yes, it's the script. So predictable.

Ok, so things were bad, DS is a handful...and? I assume your vows didn't say 'in times of difficulty you have my permission to fuck all others'? Why does he think he gets to opt out of family life when there are problems!

You have an email address for her. You know her name. She's in your field. I'm betting she works with him or as a consultant etc. It shouldn't be that hard to find her if you really want to, frankly I wouldn't waste my time. She's irrelevant.

It's been going on for as long as he's been acting like someone you don't recognise! A month is all you can prove right now.

'You are not to ruin her life'

...they have done that, not you. If fucking someone else was going to ruin her life, she might should have thought about that before now.

Then there's the issue of him thinking HE gets it tell you what you can and can't do with this bomb she'll, screw that. He's in no position to be 'telling' you what you can't and can't do. Fucking idiot.

I'm betting if she had been prepared to leave her husband he'd have been off like a shot when you told him to leave, I bet he went to her all excited about their shiney new life together and she told him she wouldn't leave her husband...so he came back to you all lovey dovey, albeit wanting compromises! Git.

Of course he put up with so much crap from you, you're the devil incarnate you know hmm. Tit.

Fuck off waiting until sep 2015. He goes now. You and your solicitor decide what happens about the house.

Maybe talk to the school, see if there are any grants etc available...deferred payments, reduced costs etc. it is shit the kids have to change schools, but they will be fine.

No, no, a thousand times no to the spare room. Don't go there. It doesn't work, it prolongs the agony for everyone.

Phone your PIL tomorrow, tell them that unfortunately die to their sons affair you won't be up to hosting Christmas, but that he might like to go to them as clearly he won't be spending it at your home.

Tell your mum it will just be you and the kids there.

Don't argue with him about whether he fucked her or not. Just say to him that you are not stupid, but it's irrelevant, he's checked out of your marriage and you are ending it. No discussion. He doesn't have to agree, he just has to accept it's happening. I suspect it was on the cards from his pov, but on his own timetable, not yours.

Of course you are in a state, it's a living nightmare. However, and you probably won't believe this right now, but in a years time you'll look back and see how much better things are without him in the house. I get DS calms down too.

winkywinkola Sat 13-Dec-14 06:43:59

He is insisting on divorce.

Says he doesn't feel loved and hasn't for years

winkywinkola Sat 13-Dec-14 06:47:04

And he has talked to me about it a lot of times. I do my best but the demands of 4 dcs is quite heavy.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sat 13-Dec-14 06:48:59

I'm telling you now, it's unfixable and you don't have to keep his dirty little secret for him. Women often don't tell people because we are ingrained to feel it's a reflection on us, it isn't. It's a reflection on him, he's the one who chose to opt out of your family by doing this.

The children aren't too young to be told daddy broke a promise to mummy and he's not going to be living there anymore.

Your PIL, well, there's nothing you can do about it, they'll either stand beside you & the children while also supporting their DS or they'll turn against you, you can't do anything about it, except give them a copy of the emails, should you choose to.

Your mum, it's hard when you don't want to upset them, but she's going to have to be told. I don't know what she's like, but I hope she's supportive. Though she's from a generation of people who are likely to ask you if you shouldn't just ignore it and think of the children. Yep, a whole generation of screwed up adults whose parents stayed together for the kids and made their lives a misery. No thanks!

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sat 13-Dec-14 06:52:34

He checked out ages ago. Don't let him mess you around wanting a divorce, not wanting one, crying about not living with his kids etc he'll keep flip flopping, just don't pay him any attention. Sadly your marriage is over and it's best to just accept what you can't change and deal with going forward as best you can.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sat 13-Dec-14 06:55:01

Poor didums, no longer the centre of attention, having to share the limelight with four children. He needs to grow the fuck up. Did he really talk to you or did he just whine at you and demand you changed?!

Thewrongmans Sat 13-Dec-14 07:00:59

Just tell them he is moving out, why prolong the pain by saying he is just staying with friends while you sort things out?

Cabrinha Sat 13-Dec-14 08:55:00

Another vote for telling the truth. That he is moving out permanently. I didn't tell my daughter her prostitute fucking father had broken promises - just told her we weren't each other's One True Love. (She's disney obsessed!)

I think you especially should just give the kids the truth, because he has dithered in front if them (arsehole!!) so they're more likely than most to draw their own conclusions and worry.

No no no to living together. It will be shit. Want to sit at the breakfast table with him smugly wanting you to notice he only just came in, smelling of sex? Because that's what will happen. Because this is All Your Fault.

Fuck what PIL think, you can't change that.

As for your mum... Whether I'm 40, 60 or 80, I want to be there for my daughter. Always. Don't you feel like that about your kids? Of course you do. Don't worry about upsetting your mum.

Talk to the school, too. Just be honest. Don't be proud. But the nice thing with have 3 at school age, is they'll all transfer school together. And if you tie it in with a house move, it's just moving school. Not private to state. Just a new school.
But if you do want them to stay there - get talking to your solicitor.

PIL can put him up. Not change in outgoings during divorce, no problem paying school fees.

And though I agree with PP who said the woman is irrelevant and not to waste your time - if you can identify her, I'd sure as hell be telling her husband.

Rollercola Sat 13-Dec-14 09:44:50

So sorry to hear your world has been turned upside down. NONE of this is your fault, lives will change for all of you (ow & her husband as well) but that is entirely the fault of your husband and his ow. Don't allow him to blame you for anything.

It is NOT up to him to decide what happens now. You are entirely within your rights to pack his bags today and tell him to leave. His choices are now irrelevant, you hold all the control now. If you want to tell the other husband do so. Don't let him plead with you not to 'ruin her life' - she's done that herself.

My exh pleaded with me like this, it was pathetic. Having said that I chose not to tell the husband, but the point is that the choice is entirely yours. You do what you feel is best.

My advice would be not to attempt to continue living together, it is tortuous. I did it for 3 months after we decided to split and it was awful. If you can get him to leave asap.

Take care op, it's a nightmare situation because you feel like you hold the strings now and the survival of your marriage falls down to whether or not you're willing to put up with this behaviour. Be strong.

Patchworkqueen Sat 13-Dec-14 09:56:48

He needs to leave and it needs to be now - and you need a SHL (shit hot lawyer) on Monday morning. And please do not listen to or take on board any of his pathetic excuses to justify what he has done. And sorry to say you will need STI testing too.

Flimflammer Sat 13-Dec-14 10:01:25

I'm so sorry you are going through this. 4 children must be very demanding, it might have been easier if a certain person had been pulling their weight rather than being a marriage guidance counselor. Who wants a man like that? Bet lively whatsername won't, bet she is crapping herself at the thought of being part of a stepfamily of 6 or 7 kids instead of her nice tidy home. I would imagine your husband will become a red hot coal to her. At that point he might change his mind.

To answer your OP I would get your husband to tell them since he has all the answers. Tell him you are going to see a solicitor this afternoon and that he can explain why he is going while you are out, and go as soon as you return.

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