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How do you really get over someone?

(21 Posts)
Ilovetomodell Fri 12-Dec-14 21:17:53

Someone who was the love of my life, who made me laugh and so happy.
I'm don't need to take up new interests or hobbies - I'm a single mum of two children and work full time, so I'm busy enough!
But inside I'm so unhappy, I've stopped exercising, I drink too much and eat too much - because I'm lonely and the fact that he doesn't want to be with me enough to make it work. I'd do anything for him.
I can feel myself clinging onto snippets of affection or thought and feel so down.
I hate sounding like this, so am posting it here -as I would never say it in real life.

Any advice welcome. X

elsabelle Fri 12-Dec-14 21:38:14

Great question and one i am asking myself a lot too at the moment. I feel so lonely also. Keeping busy is all well and good but nothing replaces the love of a happy relationship. I guess we just have to give it time and distance. Staying NC helps the heart to heal more quickly i think.

Hopefully others will be along with some better advice smile

holeinmyheart Fri 12-Dec-14 21:59:38

First of all I would like to say how sorry I am for you. However, that said, my sorrow is no good for you. What is more, it is no good for you.
First of all you need to accept that this man does not want you and stop looking backwards and thinking , what if!
But your situation is nothing to do with anything being being wrong with you. It is just life.
By mourning and moping for what you can't have, you are stopping yourself from moving on to what might be bigger and better things.
You owe it to yourself and DCs not to keep thinking negative thoughts that then bring you down.
A Mindful course would definitely be helpful. You can get referred free on the NHS.
You know the solution yourself really, as you know that you are not exercising enough, and are eating and drinking too much.

Give yourself a good talking too. Stop being a masochist. Stop thinking negative thoughts.
If you believe you can control your body with your mind then now is the time to practise.
You have the power to decide to be happy.
He didn't deserve you( repeat) you had a lucky escape( repeat)

Heyho111 Fri 12-Dec-14 22:23:13

I'm so sorry you feel so sad.
I think it's down to time and determination to move on. But mostly time. Because you've lost someone you love it could have caused a bit of depression. It might be worth having a chat with your gp. You can't go through something like seperation without being scared. Big hug.

Stripeyclock Fri 12-Dec-14 23:01:04

I think the trick is to find ways to re-channel your affection to other people. There are so many people out there who could benefit from your attention and talents.

Is there perhaps something new you could take on at work, something that would take up your attention? Or maybe a friend or relative who might need a bit more support?

I wish you all the best.

Ilovetomodell Sat 13-Dec-14 09:19:25

Going nc is the hardest thing. We both agreed not to keep in contact, but only this week I texted him about something. He replied and was kind, but now I'm thinking why hasn't he got back to me again, or checked that I'm alright...I guess it's because he has his own life and I'm not really important. Now I'm angry with myself for contacting him, but I can't seem to stop myself.

holeinmyheart Sat 13-Dec-14 09:54:45

ilove there is no where to go, except to go on. It is absolutely horrible being heart broken, but you must know from past experience that eventually the pain eases and you will be able to move on.
Maybe you can think about how you feel at the moment, as having a heavy bout of Flu. Painful and agonising as it may be, you would normally expect it to get better in time.
Meanwhile you would nurture yourself with hot chocolate, plenty of TLC,keeping warm etc, until one day you come out of the greyness.
In a year or two you may have trouble remembering his name.
Mind you, I remember the name of the bloke I had 'a lucky escape from' over 45 years ago.
To trust and give your love wholeheartedly to someone, it has to be reciprocated 50-50. No reciprocal love to me =no trust
Just like in Algebra equations. Everything done to one side has to be done to the other. A fair and equal balance.

LividofLondon Sat 13-Dec-14 10:26:46

"Going nc is the hardest thing. We both agreed not to keep in contact, but only this week I texted him about something"

Then I'd suggest making it very very hard for yourself to contact him. Delete his contact details from your phone (if you don't have his number you can't call or text), delete his email address from your contacts (and all emails so it's impossible to look back at them and get his address back) and unfriend him from all social networks. Make sure you have no record of his contact details. If the only way you can get in touch is by turning up at his door or writing a letter you'll be far less inclined to do so.

EveryNight Sat 13-Dec-14 10:32:01

I'm so sorry for your pain.
I'm in a similar position. Going NC has been awful but it's also the only thing that will help me ever move on. Not that I'm any further on than I was a few months ago, it's a slow process.
I still think of my ex for a good portion of each day, I still cry fairly frequently. I think at some point the time comes when we will feel better and move on, but time needed may be long.

MairzyDoats Sat 13-Dec-14 10:44:38

The oldest adage is the truest - time heals. It's advice you see a lot on here. However, I do firmly believe that you can make time go faster. Fill it with things, people, activities. There is still joy in the world and even when it's sooo hard to find, force yourself to get out and do stuff. I like the analogy above about this being like a painful bout of flu... It's an illness, of the brain, that has to run its course but you can either lay back passively and allow it to heal in its own time, or you can 'take your medicine' and encourage healing. Spending time with friends laughing or crying, see films, go for walks, make an effort to look good (value yourself) and time will go faster, and you'll heal quicker. Also, it helped me to remember that you're not the only person in the history of the world who has felt heartbreak... Nearly every adult has gone through it, and lived to tell the tale. Wishing you happiness.

ocelot7 Sat 13-Dec-14 10:47:13

Don't be too hard on yourself - how you are feeling is completely normal and part of the process of getting over this. Allow yourself to wallow a bit & be kind to yourself - & that means getting back to exercising because it's a great mood lifter smile hopefully you can then also get back into balance with what you consume.

It's true that time is the great healer & that being NC really, really helps...but it is hard to achieve - I had lots of false starts before I managed it ( & that was when I had finally acknowledged I had to do it!) but it helped hugely. I had kept in touch for a year & it was constant AGONY but I guess I was hoping there was still a chance for us sad Even though everyone said NC is essential it had taken me that long to be able to do it...

Do something good with the time you would have been with him - read that book you have been meaning to, discover new music (my personal recommendation is The Delines -Colfax - the combination of Willy's poetic lyrics,& Amy's voice is just devine), call someone who could do with a boost, do & plan things with yr kids, connect & get involved as much as you have time or energy for...slowly slowly you will rediscover joy in the world smile

ocelot7 Sat 13-Dec-14 10:49:32

Crossed post with Mairz - similar thoughts smile flowers

elsabelle Sat 13-Dec-14 17:46:58

To help me stay NC I have given my moblie to a friend and just check it at her house once a week. Drastic i know but its literally been the only way to stop! blush Hang in there OP, keep telling yourself you deserve better and the only way you'll free yourself to meet someone better is to rid yourself of this one. Sending a big hug x

Justnotenough Mon 15-Dec-14 21:27:45

Mmm, you say a lot but not why he's not with you... I guess he's with someone else!

Ilovetomodell Mon 15-Dec-14 23:10:37

Yes he's with someone else. He also had the decency to say he knew that one day I would find someone too.sad

UterusUterusGhali Tue 16-Dec-14 09:12:51

I know how you feel; it's the little reminders that get me. I didn't realise how much he was part of my life.

His crossword book on my bedside table. The coke bottle with his name on it in the footwell of the car. The gifts. His Christmas present. The fact the kids keep asking about him.

NC is probably the best way to go.

Hope you start to feel better soon. Xxx

notespeller Tue 16-Dec-14 09:55:34

Stop letting the emotion control your thoughts and start MAKING your thought control your emotion.

It's hard work but every time you think about him stop yourself and just keep repeating 'I am so lucky I am not with someone who doesn't want me anymore so I can find love again with someone who does" or something along those lines. Honestly you will start to feel better.

Get counseling??

kaykayblue Tue 16-Dec-14 11:12:06

You have to go no contact. Otherwise it's just like constantly picking a scab and wondering why it is taking so much longer to heal.

Delete him from facebook, delete his e-mails, delete his number, and throw away any bits of paper with his number on them.

If you feel a desperate need to send him something, then just write it down to get it out of your system, but then tear it up and throw it away.

One of the hardest things is to realise that it's over, and that he isn't going to suddenly change his mind. Think about the reasons they gave (if any). Even if you don't accept them, you can't change how that person feels.

You've said not to recommend a new hobby, but to be honest, that is one of the best things you can do. It's about discovering new things and people to prevent you from being constantly stuck in the past.

Sit down and think to yourself that you've had your time to wallow in your misery, and now it's time to buck up and move on. It's easier said than done, but if you allow yourself to just keep wallowing then it will take longer and longer until you get back to normal.

IlEstNeLeDivinTrevorslattery Tue 16-Dec-14 12:08:51

Buy an alarm clock smile. No, really!

Then you can leave your phone downstairs when you go to bed and not have it sitting silently at your bedside constantly reminding you that he hasn't texted or called.

It makes your room into a safe haven where you can have the chance to read, listen to the radio, just relax, for those fleeting moments where the break-up isn't at the forefront of your mind.

It will just take time. Hang in there OP flowers

innerstrength100 Tue 16-Dec-14 19:21:46

Yes hang on in there. You're not on your own. A broken heart is utterly shit. I wish i had the answer how to get over someone quick. I would do anything to feel better. But the more people i speak to, I'm afraid it is clear there is no quick fix sadly.

But the advice on here is good. No contact, and try new things. Xx

Ilovetomodell Tue 16-Dec-14 19:26:38

I agree nc is the way to go - but we work for the same company, not in the same office but still - people refer to him, sometimes we email each other about work and may bump into each other from time to time. I do have a job interview tomorrow, but I don't want to leave just because of him - why should I? I'll only leave if it's the right for me. Only this afternoon someone mentioned they were meeting him tomorrow and I was so jealous!!

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