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exh's new girlfriend has had baby. feel sick. in shock. please help

(12 Posts)
yummytummy Fri 12-Dec-14 15:27:24

so have posted about this a few times

with ex nearly 20 years towards end lots of physical and emotional abuse. shortly after leaving he met someone and may have been involved when still with me. she got pregnant pretty much immediately

he was coming to see kids tonight so i texted to confirm time and got a reply and confirming and just to let you know we have had our baby

i just feel ill in spite of everything i still have feelings and we went through so so much before we had our two and i thought that meant something to him so the fact that he can just casually have a child with someone he has known 5 minutes who doesnt know his history and while the divorce hasnt even gone through yet is just too much.

i honestly just feel like giving up. he is taking me to courtin jan as apparantly i am unreasonable about contact. its rubbish he sees kids three times a week i have been too nice if anything. he wants them at his place and to meet the ow but its way too soon for them when ds cries for daddy to come home every night.

i cant deal with this i should have stayed and let him finish me it would hurt less than this. at least i was used to the physical pain

Quitelikely Fri 12-Dec-14 15:50:29

I do feel for you. I don't know why you split up but these things happen and it's how we march forward that counts. Don't focus on him. Look at yourself and your own future.

With respect it will not damage your children if they spend time with their fathers new partner and sibling. I think you have to be a tad brave here and let go of this. Let your children spend time with their father and whoever he chooses to let them spend time with. As long as they aren't dangerous then your argument isn't a strong one. You are just delaying the inevitable.

Letting them go to their fathers place with his partner will be a big step forward but it's going to happen.

It's about accepting he has moved on and that you need to do the same. Cherish the time your children are at his, make plans, relax. Start online dating.

As far as I'm concerned when one door closes another opens. Just step into that other door........

yummytummy Fri 12-Dec-14 15:57:23

split up due to domestic violence unsafe for kids. given that dv often starts after pregnancy i am concerned for safety of kids when they are there.

really feels like all my doors are shut

CogitOIOIO Fri 12-Dec-14 16:30:01

Do you feel worried enough about his behaviour to report him to Child Protection?

superstarheartbreaker Fri 12-Dec-14 17:17:02

Try to start by feeling pity for the poor sap he's ended up with. also feel sad for the baby who has a new baby. It's telling he got the mum up the duff straight away= controlling.

Somethingtodo Fri 12-Dec-14 17:36:41

Dont feel bad that you are having an intense emotion to this development.

This is totally natural and normal to FEEL like you do. Scream, shout, weep & wail alone or with a close friend or on here if you want to.

It is s big blow - but it will subside.

What you need to do now is process it rationally for you and your children. If you have any concerns for their welfare contact child protection.

Justwanttomoveon Fri 12-Dec-14 21:00:28

I'm in a similar position, my ex left me for ow earlier this year and I found out this week she's pregnant. We went through hell to have our ds - now 4-, he is a narc, didn't realise this until we split, he was a shit partner and father yet I wanted to collapse when I found out she was expecting. It actually felt like someone had physically kicked me in the stomach, I wanted to throw up. We had been together 20 years and having a child meant something to me, and it meant something that we were having a child together yet he then fucks off with someone else (20years younger than him) and she pregnant already.

It's like he's just erased the past 20 years, like they actually meant nothing to him.

I'm sorry to go on I just wanted you to know you're not alone, I completely get where you are coming from and I'm really sorry you are going through it too.

kittybiscuits Fri 12-Dec-14 22:13:23

Unmunsnetty hug for you OP x Just give yourself some time for this news to sink in.
Have you had proper legal advice about contact?

sadwidow28 Fri 12-Dec-14 22:25:16

The baby deserves the best love and supportive adults possible.

yummytummy Fri 12-Dec-14 23:47:05

Sadwidow, do my babies not deserve that too?

Somethingtodo Sat 13-Dec-14 12:22:56

All babies deserve the best love and supportive adults possible.....but OP you know that your dc did not get this from this man and that thai new baby wont get it either.

Maybe trying to divert your shock emotion (v v legitimate) to one of pity for this new baby and your dc would help you cope.

Focus on the only positives that you and your dc are not now subjected to this man anymore which gives you space to heal your hurt and attempt to unpick/mitigate the damage he has inflicted on your dc.

I wish you well - take care of yourself.

Rebecca2014 Sat 13-Dec-14 13:23:20

Pity her. He will be abusive to her too, do you really think he has had a personality transplant.

3 times a week is generous and he is just trying to control you. If I was you I would say "Take me to court then!"

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