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Relationships and postnatal depression

(14 Posts)
lonelymummy87 Fri 12-Dec-14 13:32:03

Hello all,
I'm new to this site but in need of advice. I'm struggling at the moment, I think I may have a mild pnd and I don't think my relationship is helping.

I've lost all joy out of my life. I normally look forward to Christmas especially with it being my sons first but I don't want to do Christmas this year. Id rather just not bother which is such an awful thing to say. I don't look forward to anything, I feel as though I'm just existing and if it wasn't for my children I wouldn't even get up in the mornings. I feel so low and lonely despite having an OH. Even when were sat next to each other I feel a million miles away from him. I love him so much and I want to make things work between us but I am so unhappy. I fear if things carry on like this I will just slip further and further into depression and end up loosing him which is the last thing that I want.

I know that a lot of the problem is me and my past. My last relationship was a controlling and abusive one which broke my confidence and has had a much greater effect on me than I had realised. I was in a relationship for 5 years which ended when he cheated on me and left me for another woman.
Despite this being 5 years ago as a result in have very little self-esteem and confidence.

I have been with my now OH for a year and a half. We have a 4 month old baby boy who we both love very much. We have been living together for 6 months now.
Before I met OH he had been living with his parents and has never had any responsibilities and I appreciate that going from that to living in your own home and having the responsibilities of a child, bills ect is a big step.
However OH still lives like he is living with his parents.
He works 3 nights a week and the rest of the time he is either at the gym, asleep or on his phone. He does no house work and only helps me with LO every now and again. I do everything. He gets up when he wants, goes to bed when he wants and goes off to the gym for 3+ hours 6 days a week. Sometimes he even goes twice a day 3 hours in the morning and 3 hours in the evening.
We don't spend any time together and when I do suggest doing something he is always on his phone. For example we went to see the new hobbit film last night for some us time, he spent most of the film texting people.
He is always on his phone chatting to people, one girl at the gym in particular I know he is close to. This terrifies me as although I think its fine to have friends of the opposite sex when your in a relationship my ex left me for a girl who was 'just a friend' and I scared OH will do the same.
Sometimes I'm almost expecting him to tell me he's leaving me for her.

He is very into his fitness and is always on and being healthy ect. He has mentioned how lean this particular girl he is friends with at the gym is which has made he feel very inadequate as i have not long had a baby. So i have lost 23lbs in the last four months and gone from a size 12 to 8 hoping OH will be less likely to leave me. I don't eat much and feel constant pressure to stay slim, I know he doesn't realise he is putting pressure on me.

We don't ever cuddle unless I cuddle him first. I have told him a bit about my ex and how he ruined my confidence so he does know. I have tried to talk to him and ask that we spend more time together and he just agrees and nothing changes.
I just want an OH would appreciates me, spends time with me and doesn't put the gym and his phone before his family.
Am i asking to much? Is the problem me? If so how can i change.
Sorry for the ramble and thank you for reading. I hope it makes sense.

Quitelikely Fri 12-Dec-14 13:45:55

No the problem is not you. The problem is that you thought you were in a relationship.

However what you have described here is no way to live. Your partner is literally contributing nothing towards the practicalities of having a home and raising the children.

You are worried about him leaving? I really don't think you would notice. You have to realise he is not treating you or your dc with a decent amount of respect. He's almost using you as a maid and nanny and treating the house like its a hotel.

This situation won't change unless you speak to your partner about these things.

You seem terrified of losing him and that can come across as a bit desperate. You are actually worth more than this?

I think he is making you depressed as the reality of your relationship is sinking in to you day by day.

Please don't tolerate his selfish behaviour.

Theorientcalf Fri 12-Dec-14 14:01:10

No wonder you're unhappy, the problem here is him. He's living the single life while you're running around being the skivvy. It needs to stop OP.

lonelymummy87 Fri 12-Dec-14 14:01:50

Thank you your reply.
I am terrified of him leaving me so I just put up with it as I don't want to be alone. I know that is silly as not being in a relationship is better than being in a unhappy one.

I know it all stems from my previous relationship where I got called fat, ugly, useless, worthless and that I would be luckily to be with anyone. I'm still stuck in that frame of mind. I didn't realise how much of an effect it had one.

I will sit down with OH and try talking to him again.

lonelymummy87 Fri 12-Dec-14 14:57:24

Thank you for your reply.
I do agree it does need to stop.
I will try and talk to him about it. I have done in the past but it is like talking to a brick wall. I don't get any response. I'm not sure how to put it across to him how unhappy I am and that he does need to help me. I do want things to work but things need to change.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 12-Dec-14 15:13:05

It is not you who is the problem here, its him. And no, he will not change. This is the real him, a very similarly entitled man to your ex on many levels.

Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 can help you.

Talking to him is something you have tried before without success and yet again it will be a wasted effort.

Being on your own may be "scary" but feel the fear and do it anyway. You will be free and that is far better than being abused as you are now. This is no role model of a relationship to show your child either as he/she is growing up.

I would suggest you look at Womens Aid Freedom Programme because this relationship you are in now is again abusive. The same power and control dynamics are there; he is calling the shots here and you're running yourself ragged also doing the "pick me" dance (which will only serve to make you feel worse).

You have a choice re this man, your child does not. He is no role model for your child and is no decent man to you. You can really make your life for you and your child a better one but you need to believe that for your own self properly. You do not need someone who basically wants to drag you down with him into his pit as he is currently doing.

kittensinmydinner Fri 12-Dec-14 19:12:13

Hi OP You sound amazing and so committed to your LO, but can I ask you a couple of hard questions ? Was baby planned. Was your relationship solid and secure before you decided to have a family ? or did lo arrived accidentally. I am only asking this because you said he was living at home until just before baby was born which makes me think you were probably not on the same page from the start. To me he sounds like a very immature guy who likes doing the gym thing and hanging out with friends/girlfriend but found himself in a situation he didn't expect, but really hasn't managed to embrace his New life. Can I assume he is still quite young ? I think sadly, that it isn't going to work simply because you want different lives .sad

DanicaKellar1 Sat 13-Dec-14 23:52:33

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FolkGirl Sun 14-Dec-14 09:25:25

Oh dear. You had a baby with a boyfriend of a few months, before you really knew him, and are now seeing that he isn't turning out to be who you'd want him to be.

He was living with his parents and living a single life. Was there anything to suggest he was ready for this level of commitment? Or did you just really, really want it?

He's not an idiot. He can see what is happening. It's like talking to a brick wall because he's not interested. He can see how unhappy you are already. He just doesn't give a shit.

Men aren't as 'clueless' as some women would like to believe.

lonelymummy87 Sun 14-Dec-14 09:45:30

Thank you for your replies.
No our son wasn't planned and yes we fell pregnant after only 6 months or so. Were we being irresponsible and not taking peculations NO. The contraception failed. We took things slow and didn't start sleeping together until we had been in a relationship for 3 months, after having dated for a previous 2.
We decided to keep the baby as although he lived at home i have my own place, a car and a good job that would be able to support us. So forgive me Folkgirl but if you did not have anything constructive to add then please do not post of my threads. I knew there was a reason why i don't post on here and you have embodied all of them.

FolkGirl Sun 14-Dec-14 10:11:10

I wasn't wrong though, was I?

Ii just find it frustrating that so many women find themselves in this situation. It would be nice if somewhere along the way young women stopped being fed the fairytake nonsense about falling in love and living happily ever after and stopped believing that these men just need help 'understanding' how they feel. They don't.

They know exactly what they are doing and that it is their behaviour causing their partners' sadness. They just don't care because they also know, with some confidence, that most women will do their best to make it work. Especially once a baby is involved.

Stop wondering what you can do to make it better/trying to talk to him/make him understand.

Don't spend your future feeling sad and frustrated with this waste of space.

Dump him and enjoy your son.

Mumtobenovember Tue 16-Dec-14 00:15:04

Sorry op but this does not sound good at all. I would be concerned that he can spend so many hours of the day at the gym for a start, and the fact he is txting a girl there would send alarm bells ringing for me- this is no way to live constantly trying to please someone who can't even give you any attention and appreciate you and the son you have given him.

He sounds very selfish and immature and not ready to step up and be a man- maybe you did have a baby with him too soon but sometimes that's just the way things go.

I know you are scared of losing him but do you really want to be with someone who treats you like this?
I would have it out with him and tell him things need to change or he can piss off back to his mummy's house

rockup Tue 16-Dec-14 08:08:08

Lonelymummy..please don't listen to those voices who suggest that you end the relationship before even making an attempt to see if your partner can change his ways. Having said that. He has been behaving very badly but this may be pure thoughtlessness on his part. The relationship can be put back on track. Good luck x

kaykayblue Tue 16-Dec-14 14:57:02

rockup The OP has already said that she has spoken to him about this and it's been like talking to a brick wall. And what, exactly, is the OP meant to be attempting? She isn't the one out the house for all hours until she needs somewhere to eat and sleep.

OP - This man does not respect. He certainly doesn't love you. It doesn't even really sound like he particularly likes you. It must be very convenient for him though to have a house (which I assume you pay for), a nanny, a cook and a maid.

He does nothing, but benefits from the living situation. That's called a cocklodger.

I would also be very surprised if he was at the gym for up to 6 hours a day. He would collapse. So he might not be at home, but I'd be very surprised if he was actually at the gym (unless he works there or something).

I can't understand why you are so desperate to hold on to someone like this. He is awful. What kind of example is this going to be setting for your child? That women are there are domestic servants?

It sounds like you are very sorted financially speaking.

Get rid of this pathetic excuse for a man and do the freedom programme, which is designed to help people break patterns of choosing abusive partners.

It isn't a question of whether anyone would want you or not. It's more of a question of will you find someone who deserves you. And if you don't, it certainly isn't worth compromising on.

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