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What do you do when staying in a relationship is very painful, but the prospect of leaving it is unbelievably sad??

(17 Posts)
TooSensitive Thu 11-Dec-14 22:26:31

Just that really.

I suppose that divorcing would be very final and there could be no going back. Staying (even though things between h and I are very fraught) means that things could improve somehow confused.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Thu 11-Dec-14 22:30:16

Will things improve though?

You haven't given any detail but based on your thread title, I'd leave. I'd rather be sad temporarily than experience pain on a permanent, ongoing basis.

MrsMerrywinkle Thu 11-Dec-14 23:21:00

Clinging to the familiar just buys you comfort at tomorow's expense.

TinTinsSexySister Thu 11-Dec-14 23:23:35

I have to tell you, in most cases the answer to this question is to leave.

And by most, I mean 99.9%

TommyandGina Thu 11-Dec-14 23:29:08

Leave. It took me a long time to realise that but 3 years down the line, and 6 months into a new relationship and I'm the happiest I've been in a very long time. Good luck

HumblePieMonster Fri 12-Dec-14 00:30:56

Leave. The sooner you're out, the sooner you can heal and be happy.

Shonasnowqueen Fri 12-Dec-14 00:38:13

I think we need a few more details before we just say.... 'Leave'

RubbishMantra Fri 12-Dec-14 00:39:03

Or there is a third option - separate for as long as needed so you can gain some perspective on it all, without being so close-up to what's causing you grief/pain.

Is that a viable option for you OP?

WitchesGlove Fri 12-Dec-14 00:47:26

What is it about the relationship that makes you unhappy?

Would your DH be prepared to go to marriage counselling with you?

You don't know that you'd be sad if you left, you haven't done it yet, it might make you happier. And you could always meet someone else.

CogitOIOIO Fri 12-Dec-14 07:32:23

There is a half way house between staying together and divorcing, of course. This can give people like yourself who are in two minds a chance to experience life without the pain, and see how sad it really is. It's a personal judgement, obviously, but the sentiment I think most people have post split is 'why did I leave it so long.?'

One thing I've learned in life is that it's not the mistakes you make that leave you sad or regretful, it's the opportunities missed.

TongueBiter Fri 12-Dec-14 07:43:49

How could things improve? By both of you acknowledging and changing? Or by you one person doing all the work?

I've been in a similar situation and it took me a long time to leave but eventually I reached the point of no return.

Quitelikely Fri 12-Dec-14 08:25:30

What's the problems? Can they be overcome

TooSensitive Fri 12-Dec-14 12:50:17

Thanks so much for your messages so far.

I will write an essay about the problems later when I have more time. I don't know if the problems are resolvable. Told h I no longer wanted to be married to him this week, so if he wasn't speaking to me before, I am no longer on the planet as far as he is concerned. Any form of communication about anything emotional is very very difficult for him and he also has a tendency to want to be right or dominate - this is not the stuff of equal relationships. It's the stuff of it's ok if you never rock the boat relationships.

Anyway, will write more later.

Thanks again.

TooSensitive Fri 12-Dec-14 12:51:17

Yes I know we could separate cogito but that seems to be, legally, as difficult as divorcing...

Lweji Sat 13-Dec-14 08:19:20

Hope is what keeps many bad relationships together.
This is how the relationship is.
It doesn't sound like a bad patch or a crisis. This is him and you in a relationship. Is this what you want for the next decades?

I'd say that if there is any hope for improvement, then you have to reject the relationship as it is. He may get the much needed shock if you leave. Or not. But either way. It may be your only chance to be happy.

From someone who stayed too long in one and it's not making the same mistake again.

Lweji Sat 13-Dec-14 08:24:08

And why is it sad?

Because you really want to be with him?
Or because it feels like you failed?
Or because you are worried about the unknown if you leave?

If you are very reluctant, I'd say you should get counselling.
As you've already told him you don't want to stay married, then I'd move on with a leaving strategy and start discussing the how with him.

FrontForward Sat 13-Dec-14 08:30:07

How long have you been feeling this way?
Is there a particular pressure on your lives right now (financial, social, work or health)
Is alcohol or mental illness involved.

All these things would affect my choice. Fwiw I know many many women who stayed hoping for a change and when they finally left they regretted not leaving sooner. I don't know a single woman who regrets leaving.

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