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Shocked by 'friend's reaction to my happy news. How to respond. If at all!(221 Posts)
DH and I have been TTC a fair while, and got a sticky one at the end of August. We had been open to friends who asked if we were wanting a sibling for dc1, so people knew we were trying.
I preferred to keep our news to ourselves until the anomaly scan at 20 weeks, telling people only if things were good then. I'm not showing under winter clothes so no one had guessed.
My 'friend' lives in another country, so I don't actually see her in person, but we email a lot, Skype, have loads in common. She considers me her best (pretty much only) friend. Her initial reaction when I told her was as one would hope : congratulations, wow, really happy for you etc.
I'm now reeling from the email she sent me two days after we told her.
"If it were me, and I got pregnant after trying for so long, I would have told you the day I learned I was expecting. I can't imagine keeping such momentous news from you. What would possess me to withhold it from you, I can't imagine. For 4 months to boot. Me thinking, shame they haven't gotten pregnant yet, and for 4 months or so, you've been pregnant all along! Now I've had some time for it to settle in, I think our "friendship" is bullshit. Makes me wonder what other major life events or things you are withholding from me. If you can keep this from me, imagine what else you can withhold from me! So you might have had a miscarriage and not even told me? You might have had to decide to terminate your pregnancy and not shared that with me? Wooooowwwwwww"
I replied briefly saying I'm sorry she felt like that, but that I had wanted to have our privacy for a while, and wait for the anomaly scan, as is quite normal, I hope she understood and could just be happy for me.
"No. I don't understand at all. Glad you are happy."
This was yesterday, and I haven't replied.
Should I just ignore til she talks some sense into herself and apologises, or what? I'm really annoyed she has pissed on my parade. This is such a happy time for DH and me (and dc1), and she's gone and reacted like this. She has three children, no conception issues, so it's nothing to do with anything like that. She's just hacked off I didn't tell her straight away. She is being unreasonable, right?
Yes, very unreasonable. Is it always all about her?
Congratulations, hugs and .
If you and your DH wanted to keep it between you two until you wanted to share it, fair enough, your decision.
Some people amaze me.
Why would this be about her? It's about you and your needs.
Yes, she is being unreasonable and making something that should be all about you, all about her. What a shame, that must have tainted your very happy news.
Congratulations by the way!
Yes she IBU.
My own sister didn't tell me until she was fairly far on her pregnancy. We are reasonably close. I was mildly miffed but I had to appreciate that it was her news to share when she was ready. I did not mention my mild miffed-ness to her. It was not about me, after all!
Yes, she is being very unreasonable. That's really weird.
It's like she's took the whole situation and turned it round to be about her and her feelings when it's actually about you and your feelings. Does she have form for doing that?
I think the right thing to do is just leave it but I'd be so tempted to send a really shitty response telling her how selfish she's being (but don't - keep the moral high ground!)
Oh blimey, I don't know. I have to say I can see her POV. She's worried unnecessarily about you for 4 months longer than she needed to - she can't imagine that you might have had a miscarriage and not told her. She obviously does see your friendship as being a lot closer than it actually is, and she's just realising this. She's bound to be upset.
Equally though, I can see your POV and why you did keep it quiet. And if your friendship isn't quite equal - i.e if you mean more to her than she does to you - then that's not your fault - it's just how these things go sometimes. And congratulations, btw .
I think cut her some slack and give her some time. She could probably do with some reassurance that she is valued and you do care about her, though.
She is deranged. Ignore her and let her come to you with a profound apology and a damn good explanation for her rudeness.
She is being SO unreasonable and incredibly selfish. I'm angry on your behalf.
The fact that she'd expect to be told if you had a miscarriage - and it didn't even sound as if she wants to know so she can support you; it smacks of her wanting to know, just to be a part of it all.I know a few people like that.
Does she have any previous form for this? I wonder if she's going through a bad time and is taking out on you, or if you're just seeing her true colours?
I'd leave her alone for a while. If she comes around and apologises, great. If she doesn't, you could do without someone so toxic in your life.
I wouldn't write back, no contact whatsoever. If she wants to say stupid things, let her say them to someone else.
I bet she's been putting effort into wishing/ praying for you to be pregnant when you already were. She feels deceived.
I think she thinks she is really, really close to you, while you see her as a friend. "She considers me her best (pretty much only) friend."
You don't feel quite as close to her.....if you had miscarried would you have told her you were ever pregnant? Or would you have suddenly wanted support?
She wants to be totally there for you, but you don't need her as much as she would like. I can see why she's annoyed. The two of you are seeing the friendship from different perspectives.
I understand why you didn't tell her. I have a friend who didn't even tell her DH she was pregnant until she was 20 weeks, as she did't want him to be disappointed if she had another miscarriage.
<<sits on fence>>
I had a 'friend' who turned every bit of news, good or bad in to all about her.
Wow. Yes, she is being unreasonable and very needy. Some people are more open about these things and some prefer to keep things private, she is being daft to get offended by it, it's just a personal choice. It might be best just to let her stew for a while.
I would tell both my DH and my closest friends the news of a positive pregnancy test ASAP. I'd only tell people who I'd be happy to share a miscarriage with. I would otherwise be top secret. Can understand your friend being hurt. She was clearly very upset and let rip. Underneath everything of course she is happy you are pregnant
Totally unreasonable. I'd be tempted to reply reminding her that none of this is actually about her, that you and your dh had made the decision to wait until 20 weeks for very valid reasons and that you'd hoped as a friend she would understand. Yes you are very happy thank you and that should she stop being so self centred and selfish in the future you'd like to think that you could continue to share news on how you and baby are doing.
She sounds nuts btw - is this normal behaviour for her??
Yes I'm with lynette. She must have felt deceived. Months of hoping for her friend
Is she in a relationship?
Because the kind of sharing that she is wanting there is the sort you have with your best mates when you're in your early twenties and single and everything that happens is shared, discussed, dissected and discussed again.
I don't share like that with any of my friends any longer, certainly not things which relate to my marriage and to DH.
Did you actually lie and say you were still struggling to conceive in the last four months? Did the topic come up? If my best friend was struggling to conceive my heart would be breaking for her and I would be shocked if I was giving as much sympathy and support as I could muster and sending her prayers when she was actually happily pregnant.
I guess the thing is you say "she considers me her best friend" so it sounds like the friendship isn't equal. She thinks she's as special to you as you are to her and would therefore have been in on your secret. Maybe she's a bit right in thinking she doesn't mean as much to you as you did to her? That's not a criticism, you're not responsible for the fact she doesn't have other friends.
She has a very unusual way of demonstrating her happiness. Most people look past their own feelings, keep their mouth zipped, fix a smile on their face and say "congratulations, that's wonderful!!!"
Then they go and rant to their DH/P/DM/DF/etc in private.
Most people I know only tell others after 12 weeks.
So, it may have been that you only told at 20 weeks and that you chose to tell her about TTC and got her emotionally involved, but then shut her off about the actual good news.
But she has over reacted.
I'm a bit balanced about this, TBH.
If anything, I would explain to her that you hadn't told anyone, even your family, so rightly or wrongly it's not about your friendship with her but a choice you made because you were so afraid that you might have to give people bad news and make it much worse for you. If she doesn't understand that then I'd just leave it be.
Congratulations on your pregnancy and sorry your friend is such a knob
It's all about her, isn't it?
I can see why you're her only friend. She is being vastly unreasonable. The daft cow.
I'm guessing you won't be choosing her for Godmother.......
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