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just the day to day man moans that build up, please add yours too.(25 Posts)
FFS Arrrrrrrrgh. I've just been upstairs getting ds ready and into bed, plus having been at home all day with ds doing cleaning and playing and painting with ds, cooking dinner and having dh's hot when he walks in the door at 5:20 (we eat at 5) because if it's cold he'll mump and push it round his plate I then do all the clear up as he's just got in and I say to him you get some time with ds. All that was left to do was pack his toys away that are all over the lounge. I come down and dh is sitting there, not a single thing tidied away so I start clearing up and he's trying to tell me about the hilarious episode of practical jokers, he's watching on the iPad. I ignore him and he then gets up and puts 2 toys away. Earlier in the day I have made his lunch and all that's left to do is make his sandwich from the sausages left from dinner. He's still glued to his iPad so I say these are the sausages for your sandwich and i get zero reply he doesn't even look up I then say did you hear me? (because if I don't confirm this he wont possibly work out that the sausages next to his lunch for tomorrow on the side are to be made into a sandwich by.....shock horror, not the fairies tonight.....but himself!) he then says yes and I say well could you at least grunt so I know you've heard me and he says, what's your problem? Arrrrrrgh. Had to get that off my chest and feel much better now. Please add any of your man rage stories below so we can take comfort in them all being so frustrating sometimes!
Folk need a transition chill after work. Well I do anyway and would hate being told what to do. Did the toys have to go away when you said? Do you have to eat at a certain time? Sounds a bit pressured for no reason. Are you making up rules for the sake of it? It would drive me insane. Couldn't you go with the flow and relax more?
Don't you have a microwave? The pushing food around is beyond childish :-(
Having to eat a cold dinner sounds like your Ronnie Corbets mum.
Does he have to eat it for his breakfast or does he get to make a sandwich with it?
Mmmm there are a lot of annoying things in a marriage lasting over 40 years. However it took me a while to realise that he doesn't behave differently to me to deliberately annoy me, he just thinks differently.
If I want him to do something, such as take the washing out of the washing machine, I have to give him clear instructions. He is not going to look for things to do. He just does not view the house like me.
On the other hand he must feel the same about me when I don't put ant-freeze in the car or even think about it. Or the sink is blocked and I don't mention it until it is seriously blocked.
I have worked in a high powered stressful job and I have been a SAHM and I know that being at work is far worse. You do need time when you get home to unwind a little bit.
After all what is more important sitting quietly with your husband and having a chat ( having asked him to put the ipad off nicely) among a few toys scattered about.
It is important for you to be happy willmama. If you set very high standards for your self in terms of tidiness, cleanliness etc, you are going to make yourself miserable, as a home with children in it, is hard to keep spotless.
Try chilling a bit more, living for now and relaxing, you will feel happier.
Unfortunately we can't control everything and anybody without the effort to be in control, hurting us.
Reading your post made me feel concerned for you. I know you wanted us to share annoying things our DHs had done, but your post felt so angry that I felt concerned about you.
If he doesn't find the sausages and has no lunch, well sooo what, really, as you are not his Mother. I bet he will not starve.
OP I get it. Totally. And you are just as entitled to a "transitional chill" or whatever it is. But people at home all day rarely seem to get that.
Thanks holeinmyheart you seem to have a nice way of looking at your dh viewpoint and thank you LoisPuddingLane you obv get my meaning!
In DPs case I would argue that transition time is the commute home ( public transport).
He doesn't lift a finger unless I expressly say x needs done, even though it's been his chore for almost 2 years.
He huffs every day that I leave the dishes on the side. But every night he either a) doesn't empty clean stuff from dishwasher or b) doesn't switch on full dishwasher after he has his tea ( he works lates). If the dishwasher was empty, I'd put all dirty dishes in it throughout the day. I refuse on principle to sort it. I do enough and even 3 days after my c-section he didn't do any of "my" chores. Hasn't bought anything for dd who is almost 11 months. Can't even manage to put his dirty clothes in laundry basket which I put on his side of the bed so it's easy for him to use. He watches tv or plays video games all the blinkin time, til wee hours, then huffs because he is expected to watch his baby daughter in the morning while I do everything.
Things not going smoothly in carrot household ATM!
( btw, I tried not doing it all, but it all built up and it made it worse in long run!)
Well that's a bit extreme.
For a start, I said in my DPs case. We don't live in/near London. I did do it. I used to take the same train as he does now. 30 minutes of time where I "had" to sit down, didn't need to deal with anyone, couldnt feel guilty for not doing housework. It was bliss. (In fact I did most of the work for my first two years of p/t degree on the train)
And now the train has free wifi. Cushty.
( and when I got home, I then dealt with the kids, the dinner, the housework, homeworks, bedtimes. I got on with things that needed done because its my responsibility as an adult and parent. No one had to tell me what to do because I just got on with it)
I completely agree with holeinmyheart here.
Your making the rules then stressing yourself out with them.
He doesn't like the cold food? Warms it up or doesn't eat it.
Doesn't realise sausages are for him? Then put them in the fridge (tell him they are there if you want) he makes his own din or is a bit hungry the next day.
The toys - it's not really urgent is it? Like holeinmyheart says - he's not deliberately trying to annoy you, just doesn't see the same urgent mess that you do.
He was trying to interact with you with what he was watching on the ipad.. maybe not bother with the toys and sit down with him instead and join in?
All seems a bit stressful for some basic tasks...
Ah it was all so much easier when we were kids. We have so much more to occupy our 'moment's don't we 5 minutes on the iPad turns into 30 minutes, that 30 minutes holds up bathtime, that annoys mum, kids are in bed late. I actually think that social media has a lot to answer for!!
brokenhearted I did wonder why tea needed to be at 5pm! And like you, I got stressed reading it.
So hectic for such little things...
he's trying to tell me about the hilarious episode of practical jokers, he's watching on the iPad. I ignore him
I say these are the sausages for your sandwich and i get zero reply
Why would you???? you just ignored him!
It really sounds like he's trying to pull you away from this crazy regiment and interact with him. Nothing worse than not being able to chill out with your partner!
Please don't be harsh on the post. I have seen so many threads on MN starting with my DHs does, says, etc.
it is bloody hard living with a person who comes from a different place from you.
Even though we both left home to go to Uni at 18 both my DH and I cling on to attitudes and even food likes and dislikes that were normal in our old family homes.
After over 40 years my husband still longs for his Mother's home made Suet pudding. He also shuts doors all the time because they lived in a house without Central Heating. In fact when people ask what sort of Central Heating we have I say, we have PAJO. Which stands for 'put another Jumper on'
The thing is to recognise that that getting angry is bad for you. It increases your blood pressure and over the years it could affect your heart.
Also I want to love my man and live in peace and make him relaxed and happy.
Many of my friends of the same age (60-70) hate or resent their long time partners, don't have sex etc and are miserable. With a little more insight they could be happier. After all we control our bodies with our minds, don't we?
Personally I don't want to waste a moment thinking negative thoughts.
Maybe you could try eating later? 5pm is insanely early. What about 6 or 7 as a compromise? it would give you both a bit of time rather than rushing around.
We got find a friends app on all our family mobiles because DH doesn't keep regular hours and wouldn't always be able to call/text he'd not be home for dinner (plus I could be found if I had an accident doing my hobby and we can track DD). His lateness and not letting me know was a subject we rowed on a lot before the app was installed. Now it's obvious if he's in central London still at 4.30 he won't make it home in time for dinner.
I've changed what I cook to things that'll sit forever in the oven or heat up well. We'll wait till up to 7.30 if he calls to say he'll be late or I can see from the app he'll be home by then.
Even so, it's still more miss than hit as far dinners go. He'll come in and sit on the loo playing on his phone for a good 20-30 mins when he comes in. Can't say as I blame him. As much as he wants to be with us, he needs to his transition time and I apprecate that...although it still bugs me sometimes as I'm not perfect and my memory for tolerance and understanding goes sometimes
The reality of marriage is what you make it. The friends that I have who are unhappy have little insight into their behaviour and how it has contributed to their unhappiness.
Even now when I see my husband my heart flips and I desire him.
Mind you I have done a counselling course and Mindful, all great things to do so that you avoid looking for blame.
The first sentence I have written is obviously dependant on your DH not having a Mental Illness or an unexpected Brain Tumour on the way, etc.
After all you can't make good Silk Purse out of one ear!
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