Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
After you LTB... surviving and thriving?(19 Posts)
I posted an update to my old thread and then we thought it might be a nice idea for people to report on what happens after all the agonising, when you bite the bullet and do LTB.
Lets have some nice stories?
< and >
Oh goodness, I've just read your update, how wonderful!
I LTB over 5 years ago, after a similar experience to yours, OP - I was lonely in my marriage, and felt confined. ExDH is a brilliant Dad, but I couldn't be the wife he wanted me to be, I wanted more.
So I ended it. It was messy and horrible, and I discovered things about my marriage and exDH that I had rather not known, but which explained some of the things I'd been feeling. His honesty during that period was refreshing, though, he told me that I has become "the type of woman he despised" - yet when he said it, I felt more alive and real than I had for years.
Since then, I have spread my wings and flown! I am now the person I hid away inside for so long!
I have realised my dreams to own my own business, and I can indulge in voluntary work that takes me away from home without feeling guilty. I now know what I enjoy and dislike - rather than conforming to the way I knew I was expected to be.
And, I have an amazing partner/husband by my side, with whom I share my life. He's my friend, my support, my lover and I can't imagine life without him.
I left exH more than 4 years ago. The first year was difficult, but staying was and would have been a lot harder, particularly because I left because of DV. I can relax at home now.
I should have had the courage to leave a lot earlier, though. And for that you have my admiration, bin.
Currently 12 days in to LTB'ing, and I can't see the woods for the trees. Good to see some positive stories.
Things got a lot worse.
I am ashamed at what I put up with when I look back.
In my marriage I was the frog in the saucepan, slowly heating up. You don't notice how bad things are getting. It is just normal.
It's only when I got out I realised how dangerous it was.
Left 8 years ago due to EA was the hardest decision I've ever made and the toughest thing I've ever done.
Now I have a partner who I love the very bones of, he treats me the total opposite of EX he is my best friend, my lover, my hubby. We had a little boy 20 months ago he will do everything that I do (something the ex would never of done) we got married this year something I never thought I'd do again.
He put my faith back in the human race as EX had shattered everything of me and cut me off from friends and family.
Love I can shut the door and be safe and not treading on egg shells anymore
Hello, good thread. I kicked the nasty bastard out 10 weeks ago after 22 years. He's a crap dad and is in a 'new' relationship with his OW from 3 years ago. He threatened to take the children to live with him. They've spent one night at his place. Home is peaceful every day and I haven't missed him for a single second :-)
Hell yes. I left a horrible, destructive EA relationship which had left me with anxiety and depression. Immediately felt better but took two years to feel ready to date again. Then met lovely DP who has brought me so much happiness and stability. Not a day goes past when I don't feel glad I LTB.
18 months out of an EA marriage which lasted 14yrs. There were red flags in the start but I ignored them all and married in haste.
yy to the boiling frog analogy. It's only now that I can fully appreciate how bad things were. Getting out of that marriage has literally meant re-claiming 'me' and therefore being a better, more authentic Mum.
My friends have been amazing, I've been able to get out and do so much. I've been 'in' my own life, it's like waking up from a very bad dream. I've recently met a guy who treats me so very well and truly cares about me. For the first time I feel what is like to have emotional support. I have learned so much about myself in the process of going through all this (counselling is helping me with this).
I have two girls and they are doing just fine. As they grow I'm now in with a fighting chance of teaching them what to expect from relationships. If I were still with the ex I would have absolutely zero chance of doing that.
Definitely surviving and thriving
So good to hear handywoman - and all you other brave ladies. Counselling also helped me hugely.
Great thread, very inspiring Sorry for ignorance, but whats EA?
Emotionally abusive. As in mean, horrible, bullying, controlling.
Well the bast*rd left me.
But I'm my own person. I'm a naturally gregarious person. Quite extrovert really. I canbe me in a social setting without waiting for him to try to outshine me but he would do it in a nasty, underhand competitive way.
New OH just lets me get on with it. That's great, he's also willing to share my hobbies which is fantastic.
Ex would have to undermine me so he could shine.
Ps when I say extrovert I don't mean in a mooning, pulling up top exposing sort of way lol!
Leaving the bastard taught me the joys of independence, albeit the hard way. Quitting a dangerous and abusive marriage when when I was highly codependent was hard, so I had to spend considerable time and energy rebuilding myself. It turns out that I am great at managing life on my own.
I have a beautiful home, many wonderful friends, and an incredible drive to go out and discover the world (our planet, and human knowledge, through travel and hobbies). I stand on my own two feet, and it's beginning to feel really good. It feels "right", in a way that I never could feel while I was caught up in unhealthy relationships.
Well done Peruvian, btw: I'm hoping to build up to running my own business too.
Really needed this thread!
I am 7 months post LTB after discovering his 8 month affair which coincided with the birth of our second child. He has turned in to a complete monster and this has actually helped me cope as he is someone I would never want in my life anymore anyway. I struggle when he is nice / appears happy but it's all an act and I can see that now.
I have become the person I should have been, no longer weighed down by his own unhappiness. The hole in his life is within him and I spent 12 years trying to fill it. That is her problem now.
I have wonderful family and friends and enjoy my time with the children so much more than I ever did when we were together. It was always all about him and what he wanted to do - now it's all about us and what we want to do!
I am still caught up in wondering whether he is happy, especially as he is now expecting a child with the OW despite failing our own children miserably. But I know this phase will pass and my goal is indifference to whatever mess he has made / is making with his life.
I am excited about the potential I have now I am free of him - sometimes I find myself giggling about the possibilities because I never would have dreamed of half the stuff I have planned.
Left in 2007 due to his drinking and EA. Moved away with 3 DCs and worked p/t self employed. REALLY struggled with money until friends pointed me towards what I was entitled to as a single working mum.
Met a man in 2010, never wanted to get married or live with anyone ever again - I was 42. We've been living together for the past two years and getting married next year. He is my soul mate. Being single (and happy), my friends and ultimately my DP have brought me back to who I am, who I used to be - but got a bit lost.
Left an EA marriage nearly 5 months ago after a short "practice run" earlier in the year.
Still finding my feet. Most days are OK/good but sometimes I feel a bit rubbish - like today - I made the mistake of dwelling on the fact that I don't have anywhere large enough for my grown up children to come for Christmas.
Am phoned by ex fairly regularly - I think the phone-calls are genuinely intended to be constructive but usually end up with him shouting. These are very effective in reinforcing my decision to leave!
What is lovely is going home in the evening to my v small flat whatever time I like, without having to justify myself and knowing that it will be peaceful. One day I would love to meet someone else. For now I am trying to give myself some time to get over the relationship.
Reading this back it sounds quite sad but actually last year was sadder because I knew that the relationship was damaging me but hadn't managed to have the strength to leave. I feel I have made a lot of progress and am hoping I can find this in a year's time and will be able to say I have made even more.
I left in 2008. I did a degree and am working in a job that I love. 2 years ago I met a wonderful, kind, intelligent man who moved in a few months ago. DS is a thriving, happy, creative little boy who is doing really well.
It's amazing the energy you have when you are not treading on eggshells and trying to manage someone else's behaviour.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.