Unrealistic expectations?(14 Posts)
I'm not sure whether I'm being unreasonable about something but didn't want to face the gladiatorial arena of AIBU, so I'm coming here instead as my problem is my relationship with my OH.
We've been together for 18 months, we don't live together but have talked about getting a place next year. I have three children from a former relationship. My ex wasn't a very good partner and isn't a very good father - there was lots of shouting, infidelity and financial hardships.
I have had other relationships in the last 15 years (since me and my childrens' father split) but they all end in pretty much the same way, and I'm now wondering if I have unrealistic expectations. All of my relationships have failed following accusations of infidelity - not me accusing, but me being accused! I am, by nature, a faithful woman and these accusations destroy any trust I may have had in these partners and the relationships then limp to an unsatisfactory close.
So onto my current problem. I went out a couple of weeks ago with some girlfriends to a party. This meant that I couldn't spend Friday night with my partner and I also decided to not see him on Saturday as I knew I was going to probably have a hangover and I just wanted to lounge about in my PJ's and spend some time at home with my kids. No biggie, right? At 3am on Friday morning he called me on my mobile (I was in a cab heading back to stay at my girlfriends' house) and we spoke about this and that. Full disclosure, I was annoyed with him because he had offered me some money for something else a month earlier and promised me that I would have it on Thursday as I had to pay my credit card off, and yet again he didn't give it to me which left me scrabbling about trying to find £1,000.00 which I would never have spent had he not offered it to me. So I may have been a bit "off", plus I had been drinking champagne! After the phone call he sent me a text saying that he doesn't like being lied to, then one asking me if was worth it. I responded by saying that I have no idea what he was talking about and he then sent another one going on that he didn't know I'd be going out to a party and that he's not going to be a part time partner to anyone. To put this in context I actually spend more time at his place than I do at my own, which I sometimes find hard as I am juggling a family of young adults, an elderly parent and work. I am sure I told him where I was going and even if I didn't I can't see the relevance? Why is it OK for me to go for dinner and drinks with a girlfriend but not alright for me to go to a 50th birthday party? This is something he absolutely stands by, that I didn't tell him where I was going and that it justifies his "stupid comments"
To cut a long boring story short, since then he has refused to apologise for calling me a liar and keeps saying that he was upset because he didn't know I was going to be going to a party and that he was miffed that he wasn't going to be seeing me on Saturday. This is not the first time that this possessive streak has shown itself to me with this man and I'm really starting to worry that this is a red flag that I ignore at my peril. He is generally a kind man but he has left a string of broken promises to me - silly things but ones that mean I have a broken window which I've been waiting to get fixed since October and some other minor things which are far too boring to go into.
Anyway, we're planning on meeting to talk about things this weekend, to be honest I just want to run away from this whole thing - I'm scared I am potentially tying myself to someone who will end up policing where and when I can go out if it has any negative impact of his life - but I don't know whether that is born from my past or whether I am right to be cautious.
You have your own standards of acceptability and that's all that matters. FWIW to me, you don't sound unreasonable although I'm conscious that there are always two sides to a story. In any case, if you have standards & others don't measure up, that's not a cue to lower them necessarily. Compromise doesn't do much for self respect
The implication of the question as to whether your expectations are unrealistic is that they are too high, but I wonder if they're too low.
After an unsatisfactory first marriage perhaps you don't have high expectations of men and are compromising on guys who are a bit insecure and immature who find it hard to deal with a gf who has a lot going on in her life that they're not involved in - work young adult children, and elderly parent - hence the accusations of infidelity.
Someone who is possessive, paranoid and insecure in the way your bf appears to be is not someone I would give time to personally. Maybe you need to weed these type of guys out earlier on.
You're looking for someone who:
Doesn't accuse you of infidelity
Allows you to see your friends
Keeps his word
Makes a positive contribution to your life rather than being another duty/drain.
Your standards are not too high. These are pretty basic things that you are looking for. Your instincts are telling you that this guy is possessive unreliable - I think you would are right to be considering calling it a day.
Thank you all for your input. I am pretty pissed off that I even question myself on this crap TBH.
Just concerned that you expect him to give you money. Apart from that, I reach the same conclusion as you.
Also isn't it normal to tell your dp if you are going out? Why the secrecy. Surely you would drop in into conversation prior to the night? It's not a big ask IMO.
Re the money, can't you just ask him for it?
I don't expect him to give me money - he gave me a cheque for something as I was planning on getting a small loan out to pay for it. A cheque which when I banked bounced.
I told him I was going out, who I was going with and I'm 99% sure I told him I was going to a party - why would I leave that info out? It doesn't make sense and isn't my style. I'm very upfront because me going out isn;t a big deal AFAIC.
Was this a girls only party or did others bring partners? I wonder if he feels he is left out if the socialising and not fully integrated with your life.You may just want different things, dh initially struggled with the limited time we could spend together and the would have been uposet if I had not prioritised our time together.I think you have to find out if this is jealousy or if he feels you don't prioritise him.I wouldn't want to be with a jealous or possessive person.
It was a party of a friend of a friend, I went as my friend's plus one (as I knew the birthday girl already)
I feel like I have prioritised him - I can't see how I could have spent more time with him and away from my home and I was fully prepared to start looking for places to live together in the new year.
It's all academic anyway because I just met him and finished it.
I'm really starting to worry that this is a red flag that I ignore at my peril
IMHO it is exactly as you state.
But... you've sorted it out now.
Well done you.
No-one needs that kind of crap in their life.
I don't think he is being that unreasonable tbh. It's up to you but yes I think your expectations could be a bit high. People do get irritated by each other and have disagreements but still stay together. But only you know what you want from a relationship and how much give and take you're prepared to offer.
I wouldn't move in with him. I think he is unreasonable. And no doubt will get worse. He wants to police who you see and what you do. Controlling. And the 'not knowing' you were going to a party smacks of gaslighting. He wants to find a way to put you in the wrong. tigermoll has it right.
It's all academic anyway because I just met him and finished it
You made the right call.
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