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Is is me? Or is DH unfair to me?

(39 Posts)
merryaid Thu 11-Dec-14 13:29:12

I was married before I met DH, and my ex was very emotionally abusive. We had a DD together, and I met my now DH when she was little. DH and I have since had another 2 DCs together.

When I met DH, he was absolutely lovely; very hands on with DD and with our first DC, very much a family man, respectful towards me, and pulled his weight in the house. We rarely had a cross word.

However since having our second DC (5) together, who was very much planned by both of us, DH has totally changed and, I think, is verging upon abusive towards me.

We decided after having our youngest child that I would be a SAHM. As soon as this happened, DH started to treat me as if he was my boss. He also started leaving everything in the house for me to do, including mess that he has made himself, speaking to me like dirt, being very moody, and seemingly checked out of family life. It was as if he had decided he wanted to continue with a single life by himself and everything else was "my job". During my time as a SAHM he would often be quite unpleasant to me, critisising everything that I did, moaning about any mess, calling me lazy, and all kinds of other things.

I am now working again - school hours Monday to Friday - which I'd kind of hoped would put me on more of an equal footing with DH, but it hasn't. He's still leaving everything to me in the house, and is still unpleasant sometimes. He'll be fine, then will suddenly be in a very bad mood and checks out of family life. He did this last night. I don't have the option to opt out of bathtime or bedtime or getting things ready for the next day, but he seemingly does! He gets very angry and nasty if I ask him to do something when he doesn't want to! He has threatened to leave me in the past over me asking him to do things such as close the dishwasher door!

He also will not discuss things. If I try to talk calmly about things, he says I am trying to cause an argument. If I say I am just trying to talk about things, he says "You're not! You're causing trouble".

I also feel like he is allowed to have boundaries but I am not! He is allowed to be too busy to do things, or not want to do things, but I am not! If I say I can't do something the second he wants me to do it, then I am being awkward, or causing trouble. He gets the hump if I will not do as he says, or if I go against his opinion on something, for example what to buy one of the DCs for Christmas. He'll act as if it's ok but will be all passive aggressive and moody.

He says that I am over sensitive, and picky. But I don't try to talk to him about things often, I just tend to suck it up but I am feeling like I'm done with sucking things up and want to be treated nicely. I feel so envious when I see women whose husbands are hands on with the DCs and seem to enjoy being with them and the DCs.

Is it me??

CheeseBuster Thu 11-Dec-14 13:32:18

I think you need to read back what you've just written and ask yourself what you get out of living with this man. What do your DC get out of this man as a role model?

CheeseBuster Thu 11-Dec-14 13:33:11

Would you be happy if in 20years time your dd was in a relationship like yours. It sounds crap and like you'd have more fun on your own.

merryaid Thu 11-Dec-14 13:35:00

Well this is what I'm thinking, Cheesebuster.

At least on my own I wouldn't have someone moaning at me all the time about stuff in the house, and wouldn't feel under pressure to please someone else all the time.

oswellkettleblack Thu 11-Dec-14 13:35:02

You need to leave this twunt. He is abusive.

merryaid Thu 11-Dec-14 13:35:36

I just don't understand why he suddenly changed?!

It's like being with a totally different man now.

merryaid Thu 11-Dec-14 13:37:00

I feel like I must be doing/have done something very wrong for him to change like he has done.

oswellkettleblack Thu 11-Dec-14 13:40:55

He hasn't suddenly changed, he's been changing over the course of years by your own OP. It's a waste of energy to try to determine why he does what he does. Best focused on getting rid of him, it's clear he is making you miserable.

MatildaTheRedNosedReinCat Thu 11-Dec-14 13:42:17

It's always very baffling when you read these threads about men who suddenly change. Was he pretending all along to be nice or did he actually change almost overnight? The catalyst certainly seems to have been you giving up work.

I certainly couldn't live like this,you are basically toeing the line, afraid of Trouble if you say a word. Does anyone else see a change in him? Ie does he act differently towards you when out and when at home?

Whatever, I honestly think that as this has gone on for so long and he is so unapproachable I would start to change things yourself. State calmly that you are not happy and you would like things to improve. Since he won't engage with you he would have two choices, go to couples counselling or split up. Then follow through.sad

oswellkettleblack Thu 11-Dec-14 13:42:35

You did nothing wrong. He got you where he wanted you so now he feels he can treat you as he pleases.

feministwithtitsin Thu 11-Dec-14 14:03:46

What a shit! Who does he think he is? He is your partner, your equal, not your drillmaster!

I suspect he was always an abusive arse, but left it until you were in a vulnerable position, financially and emotionally (having a small child and being a SAHM) to show his true colours.

The mans an arse.

RubbishMantra Thu 11-Dec-14 14:06:34

From your post he reads like a nasty bully, who does his utmost to make your life horrid. Sounds like he began to resent you when you stopped earning, even though you'd both agreed you should be a SAHM.

Quitelikely Thu 11-Dec-14 14:08:42

Honestly do not take this crap. You are worth more. Stand up for yourself. He is not a very nice man and he looks after no 1. Well let him look after number 1 from somewhere else.

Have you ever considered telling him to eff off somewhere else.

You aren't his maid, cleaning,cooking raising the children all alone! Are you going to settle for that?

Please don't.

Show your children what self worth is.

lauren42 Thu 11-Dec-14 14:12:24

OP - What do you think would happen if you sat down and said to himyou couldnt carry on like this and things need to change or you're out?

Would he have somewhere to go? Would it make him sit up and listen?

Could you approach it by seeing if something is bothering him ie at work etc? Is it possible he felt under more stress as the only breadwinner? (Pathetic but possible...)

Hope you are ok - sounds very draining.

rb32 Thu 11-Dec-14 14:16:22

Sounds like when you became a stay at home mum he though all his responsibilities around the house had suddenly dissapeared. Was his mum the type to do everything and his dad did nothing?

VitalStollenFix Thu 11-Dec-14 14:19:04

Perhaps he just seemed nice in comparison to your ex. But he sounds abusive to me.

Sometimes they wait until they are sure they have you well and truly trapped before relaxing and treating you with open contempt. They feel safe to do so because they believe you will just take it.

I know it's hard but you are strong. You have left a relationship that was abusive and you can absolutely do it again.

Finola1step Thu 11-Dec-14 14:24:16

I too am wondering about the dynamic between his own parents when he was growing up. Not necessarily the physical arrangements but the overall emotional side of their relationship.

But let me make something very clear. Even if he has turned into a carbon copy of his own Dad, it does not excuse his behaviour. It merely gives some insight.

He chooses to behave in his way. Just as I'm sure he chooses to behave in a civil, respectful way to his colleagues, friends etc.

merryaid Thu 11-Dec-14 14:34:24

From what he says, his mum was very much a career woman when he was a child and his dad did lots of hands on childcare and domestic stuff....

Looking back, I guess his moodiness and mean-ness actually started when I was pregnant with DC3. I was quite ill during the pregnancy with a couple of conditions, one of which meant that I needed transfusions. I worked but was often quite poorly in the evenings and it meant DH had to do the lion's share of tasks at times (but not all the time, I probably made myself more ill trying to keep up!). He got quite moody. Then I had DC3, and DH had paternity leave for a week and did the domestic stuff, like he was supposed to, but there was an air of resentment and contempt about it, and I felt like he kept trying to pick arguments with me.

When DC3 was 10 days old I became ill again with yet another bloody thing, and ended up nearly being re-admitted to hospital, but DH refused to stay home from work and didn't give me any sympathy at all. I even had to walk to the GP surgery on my own, with all DCs, as he refused to come home early and take me there.

The resentment and nastiness really built up from then. Looking back, I should have gone back to work after maternity leave, but DH was as keen for me to stay home as I was.

LadyBlaBlah Thu 11-Dec-14 14:52:05

Think he sees you as his domestic slave.

What are his redeeming features?

Finola1step Thu 11-Dec-14 15:07:22

So I'm going to ask the difficult question. Is there someone else?

From the stories of many, many posters on this forum there is "the script" of how a partner behaves and what they say when they are having an affair. A big part of "the script" is to make the relationship so unhappy that it "forced" him to find comfort elsewhere.

That he is behaving in such a way so that you end it with him so he is not the bad guy. Does this sound familiar Merry or am I barking up the wrong tree?

kaykayblue Thu 11-Dec-14 15:15:13

OP for your sake I really hope that the next time he threatens to leave you because you asked him to close the door or something - pick him up on it.

Reply with a calm "Ok then. Leave. If you feel so strongly about being asked to do a very reasonable task in our own home, then leave. I won't be emotionally blackmailed, and especially not over something as petty as that".

There is nothing you could have done which would justify this behaviour. Unless you've been having mad torrid affairs on the side or something.

This man has absolutely ZERO respect for you.

Don't put up with it.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 11-Dec-14 15:23:53

You've done it before and you can do it again.
This 'man' sounds vile.
Contact Womens Aid and get their perspective on it all.
Sound awful and no way to live your life.
Get him gone and live a happy life without walking on egg shells.
And if you haven't already done it, ask WA about the Freedom Programme and attend the course!
You've realised what is happening now it's time to take action to improve your life and that of your DC.

Hissy Thu 11-Dec-14 16:38:40

When DC3 was 10 days old I became ill again with yet another bloody thing, and ended up nearly being re-admitted to hospital, but DH refused to stay home from work and didn't give me any sympathy at all. I even had to walk to the GP surgery on my own, with all DCs, as he refused to come home early and take me there.

really? you think this is acceptable?

you have traded in a grade 8 wanker for a grade 5.

Stand your ground and rewrite the rules and tell him to pick up after himself/pitch in or get the fuck out.

you did this before on your own, you can (and should be prepared to) do it again.

You need to do therapy and the freedom programme, I agree. unless you address the dynamic abusers create, you will always be vulnerable to the same kinds of men

JuxaSnogUnderTheMistletoe Thu 11-Dec-14 18:04:04

Your twatdar has been skewed by your first abusive relationship, and further by this one. Can you go to the Freedom Programme? There'll be one somewhere near you, or if not, something like it. That will reset your radar for abusive men and you will learn to recognise them early on.

Meanwhile, have you phoned Women's Aid? Your h is a nasty bully, and you need support and to make a plan to leave or boot him out.

If you said that you were unhappy, how would he react?
If you said you were unhappy and needed some space to think about the relationship, how would he react?
If you said you were unhappy and wanted him to leave, how would he react?

DoIknowitschristmas Thu 11-Dec-14 18:13:18

I had this with ex and the bottom line was he didn't want family life. It required too much effort from a selfish man who wanted time to himself to pursue his own interests. Any demand on his time made him resentful.

We divorced and there was no other woman, just arrogance, selfishness, entitlement and anger all directed towards me.

Be firm with him and don't put up with it. I pussyfooted around him for years until I lost who I was. I wish I had confronted him head-on in the early days even though if you do so you risk splitting up.

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