Do I say something to my friends?

[Tory79]

I think I basically need to accept there's a difference between old friends and good friends, but I'm feeling very sad and sort of feel like I want to say something....

Basically, I have a group of 4 friends plus me, who've been very close since school, so friends now for 20+ years. I'm the only one who's moved away, which I did about 10 years ago, and I currently live about 3 hours away from our home town.

In those 10 years they've made a group visit to see me once (when I was living in London!) and apart from that we've just seen each other when I've come home. I was the last to have children as well, so it was easier for me to travel and I always made the effort to visit when a new baby came along.

Last year I was at home for 4 months, while we were between houses. I saw quite a lot of them but it was pretty much always me asking them to do things and arranging everything. At the time I just had d's who was 2, so could go out in the evenings etc.

This year I've also ended up being at home for 4 months due to overrunning building work on our house. This was a bit different as I arrived heavily pregnant, hoping to be home before the arrival of the baby, but as it is he's now 10 weeks and I'll finally be going home this weekend! So, I've been heavily pregnant, had a baby by section, still have my older son with me and dh is 3 hours away doing lots of work on the house. I've barely seen my friends, particularly since the baby arrived. In 10 weeks I've seen them maybe 2-4 times. I have asked, but obviously it's not so easy for me to get out and about, plus everyone's busy in the run up to Christmas etc

So now I'm about to go home, and the last time I saw any of them was nearly 4 weeks ago. I had to miss a get together last weekend as ds1 was ill, but they all know I'm off home soon and no one has said anything, and I'm sick of trying to get people together.

The thing is, I KNOW we are close friends, one girl in particular is someone who id describe as one of my very best friends and I know she says the same. I just feel that normally when I'm at home I'm bouncy and social and getting people tigether a lot, and this time round, when I've had a rubbish few months with a new baby and being apart from dh, because I've not been pushing it no one seems to have cared.

That of course made me look back and think actually I do most of the organising to see people and have always been the one putting the effort in. Hence me thinking I'm blinded by how LONG We've been friends for, and perhaps we're just not as close as I thought.

Sorry for the essay, I just needed to offload really. And basically need to decide if I should just let it go or if I should say that I'm sad we've not seen more of each other over this time etc?

[LadyBlaBlah]

Dunno, old friends are old for a reason- they are often good friends.

Don't let life's crap ruin that.

Maybe your friends don't know you've been having a rough time if you are always bouncy etc.

You must communicate this with them as a starting point...they are not mind readers.

[Tory79]

I should add that I'm not completely imagining the fact that we're close friend eg my 'best' friend of the group remarried last year, a very small wedding, literally just their immediate family....and me! And another one spent a lot of last year confiding in me and only me about her affair and other problems she was having.

[CheeseBuster]

You sound really busy maybe it's easy when you arrange things around your schedule? And as you have said you were the last to have children's I'm guessing that means they already do so although you only had a 2yo they last time they probably had all their own stuff going on work /family/normal life?

[Tory79]

They do know that lady, I've certainly not been bouncing around this time! At least two of them have seen me in tears in the last few months over it.

[cailindana]

When you move away from somewhere you have to accept that people's lives move on and you are no longer part of the "routine" any more. You can't drop back in and expect to suddenly fit in with what's going on. It's a bit shit, but I've moved a lot and found this to be totally true - you are an "outsider" now and people struggle with making your part of their day to day lives.

Could you talk to your best friend and say how you're feeling? Not in an accusatory way, just say you'd love to see everyone before you go and you feel a bit out of the loop.

[cailindana]

Hmm from your later post I wonder if you've fallen into the trap of being everyone's counsellor, such that when you're not well people don't know how to deal with it?

[Tory79]

Oh absolutely cheese, they are all busy, all have two kids and family lives etc, in fact I'm probably the least busy as I'm a sahm and they all work, although only one is full time. I still feel a bit sad though, that they've not made more of an effort to see me.

[JoyceDivision]

tbh this sounds like a group of my friends, one moved away, not too far, but it put a distance between us. I think there were 2 visits over 2 1/2 years... she came over home a few times, but if we met up, it was like she'd never been away and we were picking up a conversation from the day before, not months before, it can be almost as though you're such good friends, there isn't the need to try hard and make a fuss when you get home as its just a solid friendship continuing whereever you are, iykwim?

[Tory79]

joyce yes absolutely, when we are together it's like we've never been apart and we gab for England!

I guess I just feel like I needed them this time round, and they haven't really been there like I thought they would. And I don't mean I expected them to drop everything and visit me everyday, even fortnightly meet ups would have done! I guess it's a lesson learnt that it seems if I don't organise nothing happens!

[ktd2u]

I'm in a similar situation re friends, moving away, I make the effort more than they attempt to and here are my thoughts:

1. Everyone is busy and has there own life/family/issues. The fact is you probably act as the glue of the group and they may largely rely on you to revert to type and organise everything. Fact is, you've had a lot on your plate and it would be nice if they responded accordingly but they just aren't thinking. I'm sure no ill intentions though.
2. I'm not sure what talking to them about it will achieve. You may end up looking bitchy/emotional etc.(although might be nice to get it off your chest) and they'll just probably feel bad about the situation or themselves. I've kind of done this before and basically we end up where we started!

That's my twopence worth and perhaps you feel differently about your situation than me so might not be relevant. However, I can relate to your post and please don't feel down about it as it isn't you, it's circumstance/the way life goes when you move away x

[RunnerHasbeen]

I think you need to make allowances as lots of people try to give you space when you have a baby and wait for you to say you are ready to see them. I also think this time of year people don't want to mix their snotty older children with a newborn. I bet this is how they were with each other post baby and it just feels harder for you as there is a time limit.

[MatildaTheRedNosedReinCat]

Organising group get together so is a pain. Can you text or call them individually and try to catch up before you leave. Another thought that occurs to me is that they have become used to only seeing you very occasionally so even though you are closer for a while they might not even think of seeing you regularly because it's not the norm IYSWIM?

And of course, people are just busy. Hope you have a lovely reunion in your smart house and concentrate in making lots of friends in you new location.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I'm the organiser in our group of friends.
Very few get togethers would happen without me sorting it out.
But that's, kinda, my job, if you see what I mean. I am organised. I am the one with more sleeping space and more central so it's often at my house.
I also don't see them all together all the time.
Sometimes I will catch up with one of them or 2 of them.
It's often hard to get all 4 of us together so we do what we can when we can.
You don't have to always meet up with all of them.

I hope you enjoy your new house.

[talbotinthesky]

It's perfectly normal, most of my friends live in various parts of the country so I won't see them for years. Life's busy so don't feel too bad about it :)

[SlimJiminy]

I think you need to make allowances as lots of people try to give you space when you have a baby and wait for you to say you are ready to see them.

This is what went through my head as I read your post

I wouldn't have suggested meeting up with you as I wouldn't want you to feel obliged to say yes. I'd have given you some space to let you see people in your own time. I am one of the "local" friends in a group similar to yours and I recently text another of the local friends who has a newborn for a reminder of her postcode. I also mentioned I'd love to pop and see her after Christmas when all the chaos had died down and was gobsmacked when she said she was free the following day! But I wouldn't have suggested a visit if I hadn't been texting her anyway.

OR... another possibility... they might struggle to see you now and they're working in the week and then doing Christmassy/family stuff at the weekends - plus possibly late night shopping on a Thursday or whatever. It's a busy time of year - lots of people spend time with extended family throughout December, not just Christmas Day - so they might just be mega-busy and also fancy some down time on the one or two nights they're not tied up with other stuff. Try not to feel hurt.