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Dealing with exH moving out of family home (finally) - grip and wisdom please.

(11 Posts)
Catbadger Thu 11-Dec-14 10:26:48

13 years, 3 dc’s, exH in new relationship (I was briefly but it wasn’t healthy, I ended it last weekend), 13 months under same roof since exH and I agreed to separate (but lots of time with one or other of us not actually there to give each other space) and exH is moving out of the family home tomorrow.

We are amicable, have finances and childcare sorted and DC are very excited about two homes and their first night at his new place (which is local). I called time on the marriage and know that we couldn't have gone on (we tried, we did marriage counselling etc.) and we will both be happier and better parents as a result but I am struggling so very much today, I am dreading tomorrow and on cusp of a tsunami of tears, tomorrow I will go to work, exH will take the DC’s to school and in the evening I will take them up to his and then return alone to the family home and the spaces where his stuff has been.

I have lovely friend having me and DC’s over for tea after school tomorrow so we are not rattling around the partially empty house waiting to go up to exH’s , I have other friends inviting me for lunch/cofffee on Sat to break up the day, getting the DC’s home sat eve and have friends and their DC for playdate/long lunch on Sunday and the usual schedule of DC activities too but it still feels odd and I am missing the companionship of now exBF I and struggling not to call him to say I miss him as I know that would be going back to him for all the wrong reasons. But I picked the wrong week to end it!

I feel sick with anticipation and really need some words of wisdom and encouragement about the benefits of living alone, the benefits of having some time when I won’t have the DC’s and well just that I will be ok. Thank you, and apols for the second overly needy post this week.

CogitOIOIO Thu 11-Dec-14 10:36:11

Expect to notice the difference. That's all I can offer. No matter how right it is for it to end, how much time you spend apart and no how amicable and well-organised you are or what distractions you have in place, you're going to find it a big adjustment.

Living alone... having done it myself for 20 years now.... has a lot of advantages but you need to pay a lot of attention to your social life if it isn't to become lonely. So make full use of your friends, find new things to do and fill the gaps best you can.

Good luck

Catbadger Thu 11-Dec-14 10:39:16

"notice the difference", thank you that's kinda how I feel. It is going to be different. He's been mainly there in the background but there nonetheless for the ocassional bed time or lightbulb to change sometimes but not anymore and I won't have the DC's there everynight. Glup.

Catbadger Thu 11-Dec-14 10:39:35

...or Gulp even!

mummytime Thu 11-Dec-14 10:51:12

I'd plan to do something - move furniture, buy something new (picture/duvet covers) to make it seem like a new place.

Don't think you are going mad if you speak to him or even think you hear him upstairs.

Do something nice to celebrate.

Catbadger Thu 11-Dec-14 10:55:28

I have spent LOTS of time home without exHthere over the last 13 months, including times when the DC have been away with him. I have furniture to move to turn the room he's been living in into a lovely playroom/den for the DC's and have just got quotes for doing up my bathroom and overhauling my kitchen (new appliances on order)and have lots of pictures to hang and painting to do. I just can't imagine feeling motivated to do all these things as I am in a real slump right now.

mummytime Thu 11-Dec-14 11:37:29

Well do the simple stuff either go out for a coffee (and treat yourself to a bunch of flowers on the way home).

Or make yourself a nice drink and watch some crap TV, and relax.

Although I think clearing out that room, and a bit of a clean would help me. and do take a rubbish bag around the house with you, just to make sure any of his rubbish really is gone (I mean pretty much finished bottles of shower gel etc.).

CariadsDarling Thu 11-Dec-14 11:48:53

I think what you are feeling is normal. I ended my marriage almost two years ago ( but we will never divorce for our own reasons) and although I wanted the separation the first 22 months were very very hard and it shocked me how upset I was. The last two months have been good but I never thought I would be able to get to this stage.

Today is my 38th wedding anniversary and Ive sat here remembering our good times and just being happy that I have lovely children and grandchildren from my marriage that sadly didn't work out. I dont know what my husband is making of it but i know for sure that neither of us will be thanking our lucky stars that this happened and that we are well rid of each other.

Its ok to be upset.

CogitOIOIO Thu 11-Dec-14 12:24:36

"I just can't imagine feeling motivated to do all these things as I am in a real slump right now."

You have to expect a few slumps. Significant dates and anniversaries (like the PP said), or something triggers a nostalgic memory like finding a forgotten object in the back of a cupboard. It can take you by surprise.

If you've no motivation to get on with grand plans, I think it's OK to veg for a little while and be quite self-indulgent. Self-indulgence is one of the many attributes of independent life, after all smile

dippinmytoe Fri 12-Dec-14 11:59:37

My exh moved out of hone July 12 months.. He didn't take his stuff until the Oct... I rearranged furniture and that evening I had a small party .. It was a real turning point for me, my biggest turning point was the day my divorce came through. Look at it as a fresh start , you have some lovely memories there and some not so nice ones. Since my exh has gone , a new friend told me the house had a really happy feel to it and no negativity ... A big compliment. You will be surprised how much you enjoy it. Good luck and cry if you need to.

Catbadger Fri 12-Dec-14 12:12:43

Thanks, left this morning as he was throwing stuff into gardening sacks (having not really packed) and burst into tears seeing DC's precious cuddly toys in the 'changeover' bag for the first time.

God knows why it's such a big thing, we agreed to split over a year ago have gone through sadness, loathing each other and come back to amicable. We have managed to agree on finances and childcare easily and without acrimony he's only going up the road. He's very happily in a new relationship of 11 or so months and we already went through marriage counselling and did 'is there anything more we should/could do to save it' a couple of times after agreeing to separate.

The DC's have been away with him for a week before and I've managed to keep myself busy and on this occasion they're only off for one night! I guess it's just that sense that they now have a second place to call home and my own sense at having a failed marriage and my stupid brain deciding to run a show reel of the bits of shared parenting experiences that did work (e.g. holidays).

I now have my DM meeting me at the house after I have dropped the DC's off so I don't have to go in and howl solo and been invited out to two social gatherings this eve. I have plans to transform his old room into a super duper playroom/den for the DC's in time for their retunt tommorow and I have wine and chocolate in my fridge.

What I need is a long list of all the positives of having some time off from the kids and of living without a grumpy man in the house.

Thank you.

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