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Why would he react like this? :0

(21 Posts)
Ellexx Thu 11-Dec-14 10:07:37

Will try and keep this as short as possible as don't want to bore everyone smile

Background: ex bf used me as a rebound- very full on and completely dropped me off a cliff. (Tried to get back with his ex gf) blaaaa.

I completely cut contact- in the space of a year he tried to contact me several times, texting me and trying to add me on facebook. I ignored. In this time period I also found out by mutal friends he had cheated on me, by 'two-way kissing' in a club whilst I was away. (He knew I had been cheated on previously) I didn't say anything as I didn't need to.

Then several weeks ago, he saw my best friend at a bar. (I posted about this) it really irritated me as he walked to the other side of the bar to go and speak to her and then asked about me. I saw this as a bit of an invasion and was angry he was acting like 'Mr nice' after everything he had done! It was like he had done nothing wrong. When asked who he was with- he also stated he was with his new girlfriend.

(This is where I think some of you may throw big rocks at me!) I ended up messaging him, a text simply saying 'I appreciate you going up to my friends and asking about me, but I know you cheated and I find it inappropriate and two faced' I know I shouldn't have, but to be honest I wanted him to know that I can see through his 'nice charm' and I guess try and make him feel guilty.

His response actually shocked me. To be honest I thought he would genuinely be remorseful. We have known each for years and I haven't once done anything bad to him! He replied saying - he didn't cheat 'but whatever' then said how my friend was just stood next to him so he asked if I was there- he didn't go out of his way (he did!!!), then said 'I'm not even bothered so you can't call me two faced'

I am over him and it's not upset me, I'm more intrigued more than anything why he would react in such a rude way, after everything he put me through. I thought my text was quite mature and I wasn't once nasty! Does it come across as he doesn't care whatsoever do you think? Can't get my head round how someone can treat someone so cruelly and continue to be horrible! I'm such a caring person so it's hard to get my head round it!

Thank you for reading smile x

CogitOIOIO Thu 11-Dec-14 10:14:17

The man was cruel from the get-go. He was/is not a nice person. Everything he has done is consistently horrible so I'm not sure why you expect him to be remorseful or behave decently at this stage.

Truth is that there are some nasty pieces of work out there. If you're not the malicious type you may not be tuned to the signs so it could be worth looking back at this relationship from a safe distance and working out what 'red flags' you overlooked. Can strongly recommend reading this article, for example, Are You Dating An Abuser? which lists some of the most common early warning signs. #9 'Rusher' seems very applicable in your case.

MinnieM1 Thu 11-Dec-14 10:20:48

Honestly you just need to let go
Delete his number you don't need it for any reason and to keep texting him after all this time when he clearly doesn't give a shit about you is slightly embarrassing
Sorry to be harsh but seriously, move on

CogitOIOIO Thu 11-Dec-14 10:21:36

Moving on is fair enough... but learn from the experience rather than risking repeating it.

Lweji Thu 11-Dec-14 10:21:46

Who knows why some people react in any way?
But most people who react like this are twats and there's not much point in trying to understand it.

I do think, though, that you shouldn't have contacted him about this event, let alone challenge him about it. Keep the no contact rule because no good can possibly come of it.

GoatsDoRoam Thu 11-Dec-14 10:31:00

Let it go.
He's not going to admit wrongdoing and give you satisfaction.

You did well to go NC and ignore his attempts at contact. So you slipped up once, and it's brought all these ugly emotions up (because he's still a twerp and you still would like him to be different). Learn from it, and go back to NC.

He's still a twerp, and will not change.

intlmanofmystery Thu 11-Dec-14 10:31:24

He has moved on and so should you. Agree with all the comments about deleting his contacts and not engaging with him, although from your reaction it sounds like you are still carrying a flame for him? Sorry but you cannot control his behaviour and your don't "own" your friends so you can't stop him talking to them. He has also taken advantage of your caring nature in the past and will no doubt do so again given the chance. Cut him out of your life. End of. If I understand correctly, you haven't been going out with him for over a year and yet you're still analysing everything? Time to move on...

Ellexx Thu 11-Dec-14 11:07:01

Thank you for your replies smile

Cogit- really useful link thank you, few points hit a chord with me!

Minni- Maybe embarrasing for me- but isn't it more embarrasing for him the fact he's tried to contact me up until 3 months ago (which I ignored) and then gone over to my best friend, only to find out we all know what a deceitful pig he is?

Do agree with the general comments about how I shouldn't have contacted him though. I have deleted his number again and thats it! I wouldn't have sent it though, if he hadn't acted all false (like he's an angel) to my best friend, so he did bring it on himself.

Hmmmmm it's weird, I do feel like I am over him, but maybe not the actual betrayal itself. Guess it came as a massive shock, when the guy who seemed to be one of the nicest, caring people id met, turned into a monster! I think I thought deep down he did have a heart, and with him showing remorse I would feel more at peace? I guess you live and you learn! Just hope i don't bump into him any time soon. Awkward!

LittleRedRidingHoodie Thu 11-Dec-14 11:39:28

It's all part of life's rich experience. That's why so many women get cheated in and treated badly - if they came with a neon sigh it would help but these guys seem nice and normal so it's not your fault for not spotting it earlier.

I'm more intrigued by what 'two way' kissing is!

intlmanofmystery Thu 11-Dec-14 11:44:40

Sorry, but you're not over him if a chance encounter would be awkward!! Also the betrayal would be irrelevant. But if you do bump into him, a friendly "hi" and smile is all you need to do - don't ignore him but don't engage in conversation and just make it clear he's lost you for good...

LittleRed - interesting! Makes me wonder what "one-way" kissing is as well...

LoisPuddingLane Thu 11-Dec-14 11:46:15

I'm intrigued by two way kissing as well!

This man is clearly a bit cunty, so that's why he reacted like he did. Block, ignore, do not engage.

CheeseBuster Thu 11-Dec-14 11:57:13

You don't sound like you're over him. I think it's a bit embarrassing to be honest. I also don't see what's wrong with saying hello to your friend, it would have been ruder to ignore her and pretend he had t seen her. Obviously your name came up if that's the only link they have.
If you were only a brief fling then I don't even see anything wrong with him trying to stay friends unless his messages were of the dirty kind?

Ellexx Thu 11-Dec-14 12:02:44

Little red- haha that's such a simple point but I have never thought of it like that before. He probably acted overly nice to hide the fact he is an utter bell!

I assume it's three people kissing at the same time. he's 24. It's something a young teen would do during their first few nights clubbing!

One thing this has made me realise is: no matter what I do, or say, or look like, won't change how another person feels, whether it's caring/or feeling guilt. (might be cheeeesy but I'm 24 myself and still learning!)

Oww I would be sad if I wasn't over him (I actually thought I was) ive always found it hard to detach myself and let go- even after no contact, think I just dwell on the past, I need to man up! Not sure how to change this, but hopefully I will smile


P.s I thank my lucky stars im no longer with him.

P.p.s one to make you laugh but irrelevant to the post: he said to his friend once 'let's go to the strippers, I need gash in my face' immature boys nowadays! shock

Ellexx Thu 11-Dec-14 12:05:21

Cheesebuster- he went to the other side of the bar (whilst his gf was in the toilets) to speak to her. I personally find it two faced to act nice when you have treated someone so poorly and cheated on them? Maybe it's just me though! seems false.

Tyzer85 Thu 11-Dec-14 12:12:50

I'm sorry but I don't think that he's done anything wrong by speaking to your friend, you can't control what he does and I'm getting the impression that you are far from over him.

Ellexx Thu 11-Dec-14 12:27:03

Tyler- yes I am still a bit bitter about what he's done and I still dislike him for what he put me through. it just seems a bit more of a punch in the stomach when that person swans off acting like they have done nothing wrong, with little remorse.

maybe I am embarrasing, but I can't help the way I feel! not sure why im left feeling the bad guy, but maybe I'm just been mardy.

CheeseBuster Thu 11-Dec-14 12:31:50

Yeah but he hasn't done anything wrong to your friend, so that's not too faced.

Tyzer85 Thu 11-Dec-14 12:32:20

I appreciate that he put you through the wringer, the best thing you can do is concentrate on yourself. My ex girlfriends see my friends on occasion, it doesn't bother me and it doesn't bother my friends. I don't know why you expected him to be remorseful, he sounds like a twunt anyway so you're better off without.

CheeseBuster Thu 11-Dec-14 12:32:33

How long were you actually a proper couple?

loveareadingthanks Thu 11-Dec-14 12:36:24

I'm very sympathetic to your feelings of having been used/upset he kissed someone else (if he did, you were told quite a while after the event and it doesn't sound as if you were really told exactly what someone saw, or there wouldn't be any confusion over what two-way kissing is. To play devil's advocate, maybe it wasn't true. If it was true, he may not see that as exactly 'cheating' - I do, but a lot of people wouldn't)

I totally understand being pissed off with him.

But he can talk to whoever he likes and do whatever he likes. Don't take the slightest interest in him now. You were trying to score a point and make him feel bad. He doesn't feel bad. He isn't going to feel bad. Don't waste this much energy on an ex.

Lweji Thu 11-Dec-14 13:36:20

I personally find it two faced to act nice when you have treated someone so poorly and cheated on them?

Sorry to say this, but you sound a bit sheltered.
Being nice to your friend has nothing to do with how he treated you. Apart from dropping you suddenly you don't say that he treated you that badly, TBH.
I'd be more concerned if your friend got all friendly and cosy with him, but even in that case you can't control who your friends get along with.

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