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i have only one relationship worth anything to me today

(16 Posts)
hitalownote Thu 11-Dec-14 00:06:46

and it is my dd.
everything i do i do for my dd. My dd is beautiful inside and out. I have raised my dd to be a wonderful and caring person. Doing it single handedly for 13 years. Her father (ex) is utterly useless. Has no idea of parenting.

I struggled with the idea of being in a new relationship. I didn't want to get hurt or let down again. I chose to stay single. years went by before i met someone. I wasn't sure and it took me a long time to introduce him to our family. but i realised i loved being there for someone and feeling the same.
I had turned myself around from being a cynical women to a loving partner. I was there for him through many sad times. Always the strong shoulder to cry on. I thought we were so strong.

i am a person who naturally does things for others. i prefer to give to others than to receive. But today everything went wrong. washingmachine, car puncture, work colleague being out of line. the list goes on. I cracked and i turned to the one person i could for support. dp.
But he wasn't there for me. He couldn't do it. I realised there and then I would never get real support from him when i needed it. I realised it was always about him. Ihad enabled him to take me for granted. But when i needed him this once. he wasn't there for me.

I sat alone on a bench staring at the ground and realised the only person that I am living for is my dd. She is why i am still typing now. I have put others needs before mine, never noticing that i wasn't getting it back. And here i am alone, at rock bottom. she will be gone in a few years time and I will have achieved nothing for myself only that I did her proud as a parent. the rest of my life is worth nothing. everything i thought i had and was happy about i can see now was for everyone else.

I am so sad that it has turned out like this and i dont have the energy again to turn it around. for dd i pretend and smile and continue on but inside, totally empty.
councelling/meds/a holiday etc. what's the point. they are plasters covering what my life is. a mother. that's all i'm proud of and i keep asking myself why me.? I am not a bad person.

Flimflammer Thu 11-Dec-14 00:22:22

Well I am pretty much in your position, without the crappy day today...they happen .

How old is your daughter?

hitalownote Thu 11-Dec-14 00:29:12

flim , she's 14.
what's your story.

bunchoffives Thu 11-Dec-14 01:08:22

Hope you're okay hit

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire Thu 11-Dec-14 01:11:58

Bad things happen to good people as well. Bad people take advantage of good people on a regular basis, because they can.
I'm sorry you're feeling empty and lost at the moment, and that your DP let you down in your hour of need - but that means he is just another weak human.

Your DD sounds wonderful - she will always love and appreciate you and what you have done for her - and she will want you around for a lot longer than you might think. Stay strong for her; but learn to live for you as well.


brokenhearted55a Thu 11-Dec-14 05:22:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Walkacrossthesand Thu 11-Dec-14 06:03:43

Your post touched me, lownote, I think you're feeling that sense of hopeless 'what's the point, what's it all about' that is lurking in the shadows of human consciousness. I expect the Germans have a word for it!
In early peasant societies, it was about subsistence and survival, but now (in the West) they are generally taken care of; religious belief makes it about the afterlife (a major reason why people find it comforting in my view); the rest of us just have to KOKO.
It's not just you, if that's any comfort; hopefully, if you think around the people you know, there's more than your DD to whom you are important. Very few of us are going to split the atom/discover a new continent/do something that changes the course of humanity - but we are here, and moments of happiness will surprise you just as this moment of despair has hit you.
Will you continue relationship with DP, d'you think, or is he part of the problem?

CogitOIOIO Thu 11-Dec-14 08:33:06

I sympathise with your situation but you know, 'where there's life there's hope'. Your future is entirely in your hands and you have time to develop significant relationships that will make your future a happy one .... not partners necessarily, but friends. You've done a great job raising a child alone for 13 years, but what about your social life? Has that suffered? Children are only with us 'on loan'. If we get it right, they should go off and lead their own life so you have to have other interests or it's difficult.

Have you decided it's over with your partner?

hitalownote Thu 11-Dec-14 10:42:32

thank you for responding. some of your comments bring tears to my eyes again this morning. I'm not sure why, that strangers would take the time and write or that your words hit me in a way that they wouldn't have even two days ago. two days ago i would have read my own thread and said that poor girl but sure live goes on. take responsibility and be kind to yourself.
but when you're in it, in this feeling of utter loneliness and resentfulness and sadness it's hard to even imagine a life where I could be happy again. i know it sounds very whoa is me. But it isn't. i honestly don't feel anything. totally and utter emptyness for anything and I honestly don't see a future, only keeping going to pay the bills here in work trying not to speak to anyone for fear of crying.dd has no idea as i refuse to let her see me down. I want to keep up the good role model there and will not mess up her life or influence her attitude towards life.
I have turned my phone off. my family I do not want them to know how i'm feeling. too proud and also i don't want to hear them say look you just have to do xyz and get on with it and life will be fine. it isn't and my dreams andhopes of how i wanted my life to go and was working hard towards that (i thought) won't happen now. So that is a huge pill to swallow. because my phone is off dp will not be able to contact me.i will get a new number as I know him and know i'll fall back into things with him because HE needs me. a support , a fb, a councellor, whatever it is he feels i am to him. he is working 3 hrs away for the last year and he won't drive to see me. work commitments will allow him to use that as an excuse to 'let me get over whatever it is'. I realise he has never and willnever be there when i need him. the scales are very much unbalanced. he isn't the amazing man i thought he was. no amount of talking or apologising will excuse his lack of support yesterday. i have wasted years now with a man that i thought was there for me. but now i see it's always me being the strong one and him taking.
what i'm annoyed most about is my stupidity for accepting bad behaviour. it has made me feel worthless. so yes he has contributed. i didn't want it to end and altough i felt he had faults i didn't realise that it wasn't the relationship i thought it was. i'm annoyed i couldn't see red flags. his selfishness mainly.
i said i would never get into another relationship and depend on someone in case this happened. It did and i'm so annoyed i wasted time in my life. But then i think to myself , my life.... sure its empty and non existant anyhow. if you asked me what i liked doing i couldn't tell you. if you asked me what hobbies i could do to distract myself i'd say, none. i don't care. i work, come home and sort dd. up until now i realise in the spare time i helped/sorted dp's life and friends/family.
i have lost all identity and don't even recognise myself or my life. i stayed with him when i knew that the window of opportunity for another child was there. i chose him and i'm so sad and angry with myself.
so dramatic it sounds crazy. but it's true and so sad i'm saying this about myself.

hitalownote Thu 11-Dec-14 10:46:17

only for dd, i know for sure i wouldn't be typing this morning. i couldn't do it to her.

CogitOIOIO Thu 11-Dec-14 10:52:58

You do sound very depressed. Obviously, what you're experiencing with your failed relationship is upsetting but your reaction sounds very hopeless and it could be that you've tripped into clinical depression. I think you should talk to your GP as a precaution and also confide in friends or family. If you ask for help you might not get exactly what you need but if you don't ask for help, you'll definitely get none.

CogitOIOIO Thu 11-Dec-14 10:53:38

You might also want to consider talking to the Samaritans. They're very good at listening.

SeasonsEatings Thu 11-Dec-14 11:13:49

In what way wasn't he there for you?

I am very independent and have been in very difficult situations. Tbh if I found myself back in those circumstances I don't know anyone other than me who would know what to do.

You are a strong person, don't let today get to you. Write a list.

bunchoffives Thu 11-Dec-14 21:32:51

Some of your self-reproach sounds like how you feel when you come out of an ea relationship - kicking yourself for being such a dupe. Why was I so stupid? why couldn't I see what ex was really like? Why have I wasted so much time?

But that's life. You live and learn. Usually the ex is just nice enough that it takes a range of situations and their reactions before you begin to sit up and notice what a fuckwit they really are. And also everyone puts on the Mr/Ms Perfect mask for as long as they can keep it up to make their new partner like them and think the best of them. Some are masters at disguising their true characters.

I don't think you are depressed. Or need a dr. I think you are very sad, flat, bereft. But you will feel better. And you will adjust to being the DM of an adult child plus they often don't leave for very long at a time

You sound quite flat and numb I think. That probably won't last. You will begin to feel angry and that is better for your mental health than reproaching yourself.

As you recover from this try and find somethings to do that you will enjoy. At least one everyday. A lovely hot bath? A book+ wine

And some bigger plans to look forward to. A weekend away with DD? A shopping day? Theatre? Etc.

Make yourself do some nice things and see if that lifts you a bit. (Also sleep, eat and exercise)

pumpkinpie5 Thu 11-Dec-14 21:54:59

All of the things you have said sound exactly like me at various points this year. I have my dd and at times it feels she is the only reason I keep going, the only relationship I care about. I have counselling, not on Meds etc. I finally this week have started to feel better, have started to think of the plans I could make or the new things I could do - but I am only thinking these these because the fog seems to have lifted. When I am in that place I can't even motivate myself to do anything. I explained all this in counselling today - it being the first time in a long time that I have felt positive and abler to reflect on how I feel when I'm in that place, and reflect back on it. My counsellor says it sounds very much like clinical depression , and although i have covered many things in counselling and can see reasons why I would feel this way, it is a general feeling of hopelessness and as such I do see now that if it happens again I need to see my gp ASAP because it is a very scary place to be and I don't feel safe.
So I agree with cog, and think it wouldn't hurt to get it checked out - in the hope that maybe you can get some help even if only short-term, until you feel more resilient and better able to see a positive way forward.

Take care xx

NoRoomAtTheGin Thu 11-Dec-14 22:12:20

I have had the same thing happen to me. I was my dp's sounding board, confident and general all round good girlfriend. But, when mum died and there was no-one to clear out her house, he wasnt there - preferring to go to town with a mate to see a car show. I was distraught and the relationship did not last. I realise that only 'I' can help myself. Lots of men are like this, they just don't step up to the plate.

Maybe you have now got depression - it sounds like you need GP help maybe


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