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Ex is still contacting me..

(40 Posts)
MrsRaegan Wed 10-Dec-14 22:36:34


I was with my ex for just over 5 years. I fell pregnant in the last month of out relationship. Although not planned I was excited and felt that we were secure enough to do it. Anyway, I told him over the phone (he worked away, wouldn't have seen him for 3 weeks) he told me he would phone me back, and that was it. I've never seen him since. He moved on, and I got on with life. I cut all contact and went on to have my DS. When he was born I received a lawyers letter requesting a DNA test. Which I conceded to, results obviously showed that DS was his. After that I never heard from him again.

Fast forward a year and a half. I had missed calls last night from a number I didn't recognise. Then some texts. Asking me to meet him, to discuss getting back together (!) I replied to the texts but kept my distance. Told him if he wanted to discuss DS then he would have to contact lawyers. He has text me about 6 or 7 horrible texts since and told me to wait for the lawyers letter.

Is he going to get access to my son? How much? He's never met him, he's never paid a penny for him. Everytime I think of handing my baby boy over for visitation I want to cry. He'll be so confused. I have a partner who I've been with since DS was 6 months old. He looks at him as a father, he doesn't know my ex.

Does anyone know where I stand legally? Have made an appointment to see my lawyer, but she can't see me till next week.

Flimflammer Wed 10-Dec-14 22:48:38

Common sense would say that he has no case for contact and you have a strong case for no contact. Has he paid maintenance?

MrsRaegan Wed 10-Dec-14 22:49:46

It's the DNA test that's worrying me. No he's never paid maintenance.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 10-Dec-14 22:49:54

is his name on your child's birth certificate ?

LaurieFairyCake Wed 10-Dec-14 22:52:00

Get proper maintenance through the CMS - bet he buggers off

MrsRaegan Wed 10-Dec-14 22:56:35

No his name isn't on birth certificate. I tried to get in contact but he was out of country for work, and never replied to my calls/texts. I got a lawyers letter when DS was about 3 weeks old about the DNA test.

MrsRaegan Wed 10-Dec-14 22:58:10

Can I claim if he isn't on birth certificate? If I do claim does that mean he will get access?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 10-Dec-14 23:01:40

It might be worth a free call to these people

Flimflammer Wed 10-Dec-14 23:03:01

Why are you worried about the DNA test?

MrsRaegan Wed 10-Dec-14 23:06:13

I'm worried that because he has proof that DS is his that I'll be forced to facilitate contact.

something2say Wed 10-Dec-14 23:25:25

In my experience you would ned to allow access. I would imagine that a social worker, were one involved, would feel that the child deserves the right to know their real father. Yes he has been a prick to you but this is the child's needs at hand. Anyway, start slow and small but expect to build up contact. And approach the CSA at the same time. Re your new partner being like the child's dad, that may be as well except that he is not the child's dad. Good luck x in the long run it should all work out.

Patchworkqueen Wed 10-Dec-14 23:27:18

claiming money and access are totally separate to one another. But if he takes you to court for access he will more than likely get it yes.

Flimflammer Wed 10-Dec-14 23:34:03

In this case, with there being no contact and no maintenance followed by a text talking not about contact but getting back together, followed by abusive texts, coupled with the stability currently offered by the mother and partner - does no one in the court system have any common sense? Is it in the job advert?

Flimflammer Wed 10-Dec-14 23:35:24

Something to say, I really hope you arent a social worker

MrsRaegan Wed 10-Dec-14 23:37:02

except that he is not the child's dad I know this, and we've always been careful not to call him that. But by the same token, he pays half the rent and bills, looks after DS. Feeds him, clothes him, cares for him. Which is all more than his biological dad ever has. So if I had a choice, I know who I would pick.

I won't stand in the way of contact, but I'm scared he'll take me to court and suddenly he'll have DS for overnight visits and weekends. He doesn't know DS. I don't want him scared or confused.

MrsRaegan Wed 10-Dec-14 23:38:02

Sorry that sounded rude, I'm just snipey after sudden contact. Not your fault, sorry.

Wotsitsareafterme Wed 10-Dec-14 23:42:25

Your ex wouldn't instantly be given overnights etc. contact would be awarded but built up over time.
I wouldn't worry until you actually get a solicitor letter. Sounds like a threat to me. In the mean time contact the csa grin

Flimflammer Wed 10-Dec-14 23:42:39

I don't think he will actually want access, this is just a way to play with you.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Wed 10-Dec-14 23:42:39

I think you are - understandably - jumping ahead a million steps. Even if he gets contact, it won't be weekends right away, it will have to be managed carefully and any court will support that.

I know it's stressful but I would hold your nerve. Let him take you to court - I really be the won't. He's after drama or conflict - or to show a new partner he's father of the year. You can't stop him going to court, so just smile and nod and say 'ok, I look forward to hearing from you.' Don't inflame the situation but leave it entirely in his court.

Meanwhile repost in legal and go and see a solicitor for a free half hour to get a idea of where you stand legally.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Wed 10-Dec-14 23:43:35

I really BET he won't, not be

something2say Thu 11-Dec-14 07:30:18

I am not a social worker no, but I see this sort of scenario all the time at work. The common wisdom prevailing is that children h ave the right to know their parents, not the other way round really, and that even if they have been absent, they can be phased back in slowly. Largely I am in favour of this because it does take two to make a child and all children would ask 'where's MY dad? Where's MY mum?' And I think parents have a duty to answer that.

MrsRaegan Thu 11-Dec-14 10:58:43

But why does he want to play with me? We're over 2 years down the line from when we last spoke to each other instead of a lawyer. Why now?

If he walks away again, then comes back next year or 5 years down the line, do I have to jump through his hoops again? Any time he feels a wave of guilt? That's not fair. DS is too young now to know, but he won't always be.

I've slept on it, and text this morning to say

"I won't be texting back after this, if you want contact with DS it will have to be done through lawyers. Please only contact me through them in future"

MrsRaegan Thu 11-Dec-14 15:04:41

Oh and thank you AnyFucker but that link only applies to people living in England. I'm in Scotland. Will have a look and see if there's anything similar for here.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 11-Dec-14 18:50:23

Ok, good luck.

MrsRaegan Thu 11-Dec-14 19:08:43

Thank you. X

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