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My ex says I'm being unreasonable about xmas

(30 Posts)
MerryDickCrack Wed 10-Dec-14 22:26:56

Posted in lone parents as well - I really need some advice

Ex left me and 2 ds's, then aged 2 and 5, early this year. He'd been cheating for nigh on 3 years. Since he left he's been an angry, nasty, difficult person who hadn't shown me an ounce of compassion. He's been vile, bullying, entitled, rude, tried to further upset me with his comments about mysterious things he has to do (clearly wants me to think he has someone else, the ow didn't want him after he left). I don't care anymore. I've finally seen what all my friends and family have seen for years - he is a horrible arrogant bully.
Sadly my kids love him so I have to facilitate contact.
He's refused to get anywhere suitable for the boys to stay with him so he insists on seeing them here, in my home. He makes no attempt to make this bearable for me.
For ds2s birthday I let him take ds2 to his flat for a few hours for gifts etc. He was nearly 2 hours late returning him and ds2 only just arrived in time for his own birthday party.
So for Xmas I have said he can have ds's until 4 pm Xmas eve, he can come to house 10-12 on Xmas day and he can have day after Boxing Day. He's going mad. Said it's not enough, wants to come much earlier, said if I don't agree he will come anyway and bang on door and tell kids I am stopping them seeing him at Xmas.
I have done it all alone all year - is it too much to ask to enjoy them opening their gifts from me without him there making me feel uncomfortable?
And what do I do?
Sorry it's long

trappedinsuburbia Wed 10-Dec-14 22:32:21

Tell him you will call the police if he does that, and mean it.

Charley50 Wed 10-Dec-14 22:33:35

I think it's time to get police and / or legal action. He's bullying you. I let my abusive ex in my home for a bit but it just made me so uncomfortable. Tell he can't come and if he does anyway, call the police.
Sorry you are going though this. It took me years to get boundaries in place; I should have done it sooner.

YellowTulips Wed 10-Dec-14 22:34:57

Err tell him to fuck off?

If he is that committed to spending time with the kids he needs to find a place he can be with them.

Encroaching on your home should not be an option.

If he bangs on the door simply call the police.

Frankly I think you need to stop thinking about what he wants and focus on what you need.

trappedinsuburbia Wed 10-Dec-14 22:35:46

Yes i wouldnt let him in your house full stop, having somewhere suitable for contact is his problem.

Cabrinha Wed 10-Dec-14 22:35:51

Oh you poor thing sad
I'm not sure what is fair for Xmas, but the thing that leaps out at me is that longer term you have to stop having in your home.
And if he turns up hammering on the door, be ready to call the police.
Honestly, I would speak to a solicitor for advice so that if you have to hit him with some kind of non molestation order, you understand the process and are ready to go with it.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Wed 10-Dec-14 22:36:48

I think you're being very reasonable with what you have suggested. Agree with PP - call the police if he turns up.

Do you have any family or friends that could come round on Christmas day? If he does turn up then the family member can take DC upstairs and distract them so they don't become afraid.

Charley50 Wed 10-Dec-14 22:36:49

He isn't putting the kids interests at heart is he? Threatening to ruin their Xmas by banging on the window?! Yes definitely get police involved and show him you won't take his shit anymore. Contact not in your home anymore. I hate him for you.

Flimflammer Wed 10-Dec-14 22:37:11

I wouldn't let him into the house ever again. MacDonald's is always open, just so that shit dads have somewhere to see their kids in the warm. If you don't want him in your hpuse, don't let him in. Arrange to meet him inmacdonalds with the kids and tell him if he doesn't like it he needs to sort put a home where he can have proper contact. If he doesn't like what you device just tell him it's his fault, he should be thought about all of this while he was shagging his OW, kids weren't so important then were they? Ask him every time you see him, how's she doing now?

He won't stop behaving like an area until you take the reins and make him.

Flimflammer Wed 10-Dec-14 22:38:16

Device=decide

Area=arse

Flimflammer Wed 10-Dec-14 22:41:04

Have you had any legal advice about it all. It doesn't sound like you have. A properly worded letter on some embossed paper focusses an exes mind like you wouldn't believe. I hope you have a good xmasbut it doesn't sound like you will unless you take control.

minklundy Wed 10-Dec-14 22:41:43

Stop him coming into your home now. Don't leave it till a scene on Christmas day.

See a sol.

Tell him if he makes a fuss about getting into your house or tells the kids you are stopping them from seeing him, he will have to take you to court to get access and there is no way they will make it in your house.

His contact. His responsibility to find a suitable location. If he doesn't then he is stopping himself seeing his own children.

pictish Wed 10-Dec-14 22:43:11

I hate him on your behalf too...he's a fucker.
I agree with others...if you can find the strength to do it, involve the police.
He is still controlling you by insisting on being in your home when he wants to be, and making no moves on his own to accommodate the children he is supposedly so desperate to see.
He just wants to be a cunt to you.
Don't allow it.

minklundy Wed 10-Dec-14 22:45:39

And all contact by email or text so that you have a trail. Keep it civil and to the point. That way is he is threatening or abusive you have evidence

MerryDickCrack Wed 10-Dec-14 22:48:20

I'm just crap - I feel like I've got no fight left in me. He has the boys 1 eve a week so I can work late - I work ft, I couldn't do my job without this flexibility. If he had somewhere safe for them he could have them there that night but he refuses to even look - he's in a really nasty 1 bed flat which is a second floor Victorian house attic conversion, the windows aren't safe, the neighbours are dodgy, there's no proper fire escape and he smokes in there (albeit out the window). There's only 1 bed and not even a proper sofa. They can't stay there.
I am going to my mums Xmas day but agreed to set off at 12 so he could see them in morning.
What would a solicitor do?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 10-Dec-14 22:52:47

He isn't doing it because he wants to see the children, he's doing it to bully you and upset you.

Can you go and stay at your Mum's over Christmas? I would in that situation, leave on Christmas Eve and come home Boxing Day or even after. And yes tell him you'll call the police if he tries to harass you.

Cabrinha Wed 10-Dec-14 22:54:40

No chance of a babysitter for your late night once a week?
Would they be coming back too late from his flat?
Neighbours may be dodgy, but don't they keep their dodgyness to themselves? Are they going to impact your boys in the flat?
I understand if you don't want overnights there, but I think you need to really think hard whether they really can't be there when awake.

MerryDickCrack Wed 10-Dec-14 22:55:14

Ali - why though? He's upset me enough already. I don't understand why he wants to twist the knife. I am tempted to just go to mums but the boys will want to see him and they've been through enough this year already.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 10-Dec-14 22:58:28

Because arseholes like him always do, it is the way they are programmed to operate and it comes as naturally to them as breathing.

Go to your Mums, I know what you're saying about your boys, but the last thing that will make them happy is him banging on the door at 8am shouting to be let in, you frightened and upset and Christmas ruined.

Is there any way that you can find another arrangement for childcare that one evening?

MerryDickCrack Wed 10-Dec-14 22:58:32

Yes cabrinha, it would be too late back - I asked him to taken them for tea initially and he kicked up a huge fuss about them being in the car for ages - boys are in ft nursery and afterschool, don't get collected till 5.30, to drive to his flat would mean they wouldn't get there till 6, then they would need to leave at 7 for bed time. He says that's unfair on them. I let them go there in daytime at weekends but won't allow overnights there.

cestlavielife Wed 10-Dec-14 23:00:18

DOes he have family where dc could meet with him ?
Stop him coming to your house. Get a childminder or other babysitter for when u work.

MerryDickCrack Wed 10-Dec-14 23:03:39

No his family are miles away. He hasn't retained any friends either - except the one he smokes dope with. I have applied for another job nearer my mum - I was two minded about it but starting to think it would be best.

Cabrinha Wed 10-Dec-14 23:05:12

Are you saying they'd need to leave his flat at 19:00 to be back at yours, and you'd be back then too?
Half an hour in a car is nothing, easily filled with a story tape.
If it is too far, then he needs to rent somewhere else.
I really would try as hard as you can to find an alternative solution for the late night (in case he refuses), then put your foot down.
You can't keep having him in your home, it's doing you no good.

ChasedByBees Wed 10-Dec-14 23:05:55

Who knows why he's being such an arsehole - maybe he has to scapegoat you so he doesn't feel like shit because of the way he treated you. If he accepted you were innocent and blameless he'd have to accept he's a shit.

But nevertheless, he is what he is. I'd leave the night before Christmas so you're not there to hear the banging on the door. He's not going to do that for the benefit of his children.

Do seek advice and put boundaries in place. He doesn't deserve or have the right to be in your house.

apotatoprintinapeartree Wed 10-Dec-14 23:12:45

Jeesh, OP.

I know your dc love him but its his responsibility to make proper arrangements to see his dc.
It is yours and their home, not his.
See a solicitor and call Police about his threats, oh and he shouldn't be in sole charge of your children if he has drugs in his system.

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