Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Just found out ex's new girlfriend is pregnant

(18 Posts)
Justwanttomoveon Wed 10-Dec-14 21:03:47

He started seeing here about 2 years ago (whilst we were together), I found out a year ago and we split temporarily. We then got back together, but as he never stopped seeing her, we split agin for good at the beginning if April.

We have a 4yo ds who has special needs. The ex is not a great dad anyway and I still do 99% of the child care (when he's not at nursery) He has accused me many times of stopping him seeing his son but truth be told I have gone above and beyond to ensure he has access to him, the fact that he cancels is not down to me.

Anyway, tonight he informed me said girlfriend is a couple of months pregnant. I really shouldn't care, but I am absolutely raging.

We were together for 20 years and tried for children for many years and as soon as we finally get what we always wished for he starts playing away and makes a new family.

I feel like the last 20 years have been completely wasted and although I got my beautiful boy (who I wouldn't change for the world), I didn't get the 'proper' family I always wanted. Now, it will be me doing even more child care, if that's actually possible.

My son has complex needs (and I hate myself for saying this), but I need a little break now and again. Now the ow is having one and I should be ok with this according to him and I don't think I ever will be.

I have actually been physically sick since he told me. Don't get me wrong I don't want him back but this bombshell has set me back months. It feels as though the ow is getting the life that should have been mine. But that doesn't even make sense because I wouldn't have him back if he came gift wrapped in the winning lottery ticket.

Sorry, just needed an outlet

LittleRedRidingHoodie Wed 10-Dec-14 21:20:45

I can see how this would feel awful. Horrible. Especially if you see it as having somehow stolen your 'ideal' family life that you wanted.

You need to start thinking about how to gain more balance and get your life as you would like it. Can you / he fund some regular childcare to give you a break? Can you get respite care due to your child's needs?

Can your ex have your child for one night a week so you can get socialising again?

isseywithcats Wed 10-Dec-14 21:24:00

its hard when it looks like the bloke does the dirty and seems to get the perfect life while you get the mucky end of the stick and you did nothing wrong, but leopards dont change their spots he will probably be just as shit a dad to this new baby and her mom as he was to you once the baby is born, you have your son and he will be brought up not to treat a woman the way his dad has so have a warm bath, get a dvd on the telly a glass of wine and pamper yourself and tommorow is another day all the best to you

LooksLikeRainDear Wed 10-Dec-14 21:26:25

I have a lot of sympathy for you. Single parent to two children one with autism. If I were you, I'd move heaven and earth to arrange that your x has your son a couple of days a week. He will have to learn how to cope, and like you say YOU will need the break. I never get a break, well, I can ask my Mother for help and I do but it's hard.

The time will come when you couldn't care less that he's moved on (although I understand it hurts now) so in preparation for that day when you will really really value not just a break but the opportunity to create a new life for yourself, call his bluff and offer him two nights a week!

Also, not to be mean but I doubt that's the 'family' the new woman envisaged either but fuck that!

Drumdrum60 Wed 10-Dec-14 21:29:17

He won't change. This will burst their bubble. He doesn't sound capable of providing anyone with a happy family life. But you can and you will. Hold your head high you sound a fantastic mum. Who knows what your future holds.

Drumdrum60 Wed 10-Dec-14 21:32:01

Yes! Make sure you share parenting. Absolutely defiantly. There will come a time very soon when you will looking forward to your days off. Especially when you meet someone else.

Justwanttomoveon Wed 10-Dec-14 21:39:48

Thanks for replying, no respite at the moment. Ex can't have him overnight as I couldn't trust that he wouldn't be drinking and/or taking drugs.

When I think logically, I can see that leaving us for her was the best thing he could have done for me, as he set me free from a life spent looking after him rather than having the chance to find someone who treats me well and also supports me as much I would support them.

I should pity ow because I know where her life is going to end up but right now I cannot summon up that emotion.

Think I'm still slightly in shock, I only found out that his relationship with her never stopped and they'd been together for the past 2 years (cheating on me) a couple of weeks ago, now she's pregnant, what's next?

It really is ridiculous that I'm letting myself get so worked up about it but it feels like he has his cake and gets to eat it too and that's what's really infuriating.

He thinks we can all be friendly but I cannot even say ow's name let alone spend anytime around her. Right now I am trying to organise someone to be the go between so I don't have to see or speak to ex at all but according to him this makes me unreasonable.

I am a reasonable person but this news has pushed me backwards and I think the best way forward for me is to have NC with him. I will not stop him seeing ds but have just asked that we find another person to do pickups/drop offs and because of this we need to organise a schedule.

Is it unreasonable that I don't want to see or speak to him again?

Justwanttomoveon Wed 10-Dec-14 21:43:35

Schedule - times and days he sees ds

And thanks for the other replies, I know you are all right.

I feel really sorry for the baby as they are both heavy drinkers and drug users, just hope she calms down at least so her lo will have at least 1 decent parent.

Flimflammer Wed 10-Dec-14 21:44:13

Personally I wouldn't share parenting with someone who wasn't 100% committed to my child just to fuck up his perceived "perfect" life. That's using your child as a weapon just as much as witholding contact. He sounds like a giant arse whose absence will be no loss to your son. Just let contact dwindle, as I bet it will, make sure you get financial support and look into independent respite which you control and can rely on. You do deserve a break, and its important to look after yourself.

If he does drift off it is reasonable to refuse to renew contact unless it is in the best interest of your son.

Flimflammer Wed 10-Dec-14 21:45:53

Just seen your post re drink and drugs. What a prince. As you say, you are well rid.

LooksLikeRainDear Wed 10-Dec-14 21:46:03

now is the time to thrash it out. don't whatever you do allow a situation to evolve where he just sees your son as and when it suits him. That's NO good to you. Before the baby is born, get in to the habit of dropping your son off friday night and picking him up sunday evening.

Justwanttomoveon Wed 10-Dec-14 21:50:49

Oh yes, he is definitely an arse. Don't actually recognise him now, he never used drugs whilst we were together (as far as I know) but always liked drink. Maybe he's trying to be young as his g/f is 20 years younger than him.

He no longer works as he has mh issues (probably related to drugs and drink).

I just cannot face having to see him again, I don't want to lose any dignity I've managed to keep hold of and I cannot trust that I won't get upset, so for my own mh I can't see him.

Itsfab Wed 10-Dec-14 21:52:25

How dare he tell you that you should be fine with his girlfriend being pregnant angry].

Give him a choice. He physically has his child more or he pays for someone to give you the support he is supposed to give you.

Itsfab Wed 10-Dec-14 21:53:58

Drink and drug abuser - forget what I said. He will have to pay child care since he can't do it when he is pissed or high.

Justwanttomoveon Wed 10-Dec-14 22:00:44

For now, I'm hoping we can handle it with the help of a third party. That only becomes a problem when he wants to cancel and rearrange. He doesn't see ds on his own for more than a couple of hours a time because a) he can't cope with ds's -many- meltdowns b) he ends up taking him into a pub and c) I am not confident in his ability to understand ds's needs as he hasn't really acknowledged that ds has special needs (he is nonverbal autistic with global development delay) and communication is a huge problem for him.

It's a real shame because I would love to be able to rely on him for help but it is what it is.

Flimflammer Wed 10-Dec-14 22:12:44

Do you have any contact with the education or care system yet? Do you get any support?

Focus on you and your child. From my experience, the next wife/ girlfriend is not necessarily the last so you need to detach and build yourselves a fortress against his nonsense ( eg can I come home once the new baby comes and his girlfriend can't go pubbing and he realises all babies come with responsibilities)

Drumdrum60 Wed 10-Dec-14 22:45:51

Forget what I said about him looking after your ds. I wouldn't trust him. He will be going to school soon though which will give you respite and contacts.

Drumdrum60 Wed 10-Dec-14 22:47:05

The special needs schools I have come in contact with are wonderful.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now