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You no longer fancy your DH- would you end it?

(55 Posts)
lesley1960 Wed 10-Dec-14 17:17:31

I am looking for gut reactions and don't want to give too many details for anon reasons.

Sex life never been great, had doubts at the wedding, went ahead anyway but it's been a stormy ride.

DH is the kindest most supportive guy ever, still in good shape, but there is no chemistry there for me now and wasn't masses at the start- I admit it was a biological clock' must settle down now, it will be okay' kind of feeling I had.

I am now looking at the next 30 years I might have and wondering if I ought to end things. Our marriage is almost sexless- something like 3 times this year and 6 months since the last time. I hate the way he kisses and he just doesn't 'do it' for me, but I'd lose a lot materially and financially.

VitalStollenFix Wed 10-Dec-14 17:20:54

Do you love him?

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 10-Dec-14 17:21:52

Any material and financial gain counts for nothing when you are in a loveless marriage. You had doubts at the wedding too and its been a stormy ride since.

Better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable as you are now.

apotatoprintinapeartree Wed 10-Dec-14 17:22:23

Yes, I would end it.
Normally I would say that fancying your lt partner can wane a bit and then pick up, for various reasons.

However, If I had doubts to begin with and there was no chemistry there doesn't seem a point, unless you both want to live like brother and sister, some couples do.

CogitOIOIO Wed 10-Dec-14 17:24:17

On the strength of what you've written, I'd end it. Not because you don't fancy him per se but because you seem to have been very lukewarm about him all along and your main reasons for sticking around appear to be mostly to do with money... hmm A kind and supportive guy really deserves someone who genuinely loves him. Not to be strung along.

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 10-Dec-14 17:25:56

I hate the way he kisses and he just doesn't 'do it' for me, but I'd lose a lot materially and financially. That does sound awful, sorry.

How important is it to you? Are you salivating over other men? Are you going to cheat? Is he? Is everything else wonderful? Do you have children?

It's not going to get any better if it wasn't all that to begin with. If you want to live with that, do. I wouldn't.

lesley1960 Wed 10-Dec-14 17:28:09

I love him very much but as a friend, brother, whatever. I don't love him as a sexual partner and reject him all the time. I think I need a bit of understanding re. the finance. I gave up my career for the kids and my earning power- too old to go back to the same work as we are both almost 60- although I do work part time, self employed, and always have. I have stayed not so much for the money but because I don't want to hurt him and have really, really tried to make it work.

mynewpassion Wed 10-Dec-14 17:28:31

Leave and go obtain financial and material wealth yourself. Better than being miserable.

Quitelikely Wed 10-Dec-14 17:28:44

You said it's been a stormy ride.

I don't think your hearts in it. Sometimes the heart is in it and there's no house, money or materials.

I prefer your situation out of the two.

Life is rarely perfect regardless of who your with or what you've got.

CogitOIOIO Wed 10-Dec-14 17:30:55

I'm more worried about the husband who, sooner or later, is going to discover he's been strung along on false pretences.

OP.. does your husband suspect that you have no feelings for him? Does he realise that his kisses leave you cold etc?

simontowers2 Wed 10-Dec-14 17:31:23

Being nearly 60 puts a different slant on things. Not that many blokes beyond that who'll have you swinging from the chandeliers.

lesley1960 Wed 10-Dec-14 17:32:35

I think there is little hope of gaining financial and material wealth at 60 when there is no way back to my former profession after such a long break.
The deal was he would pursue his career as a higher earner and I'd look after the DCs and the home.

lesley1960 Wed 10-Dec-14 17:35:20

Cog- no false pretences. We have talked a lot and I've been very open about the fact that I had doubts from the start. I love him- but I don't fancy him much any more. I think there has to be some understanding which is not coming over here that in a long 30 yr marriage feelings can change.

CogitOIOIO Wed 10-Dec-14 17:40:13

Who pursued his career as a higher earner? Your exH or your current one? If what you're saying is that you took a husband principally in order to provide financial security what did you mean by the 'biological clock, settle down' remark earlier?

Dependency/convenience used to be a big reason for marriage but it's mostly fallen by the wayside because people realised it is not a good basis for a long-term relationship.

Would you really be so hard up if you were independent?

LineRunner Wed 10-Dec-14 17:42:37

simontowers are you suggesting that a woman in her 50s can't have or expect an exciting sex life? Maybe I have misunderstood.

lesley1960 Wed 10-Dec-14 17:52:53

cog - I don't have an exH confused.
I've had 1 DH for 30 years.
He pursued his career, I let mine go, but re-trained some time ago and work but don't earn enough to support myself.

I'm also a bit shock at someone suggesting that at my age- late 50s- I am over the hill and won't ever get another man. That's not a consideration at the moment- one step at a time- but people think I'm 45 anyway!

HappyGoLuckyGirl Wed 10-Dec-14 17:56:32

I don't know if I would leave in your situation, being the age you are.

Given that you are nearing 60 I'm going to assume you're mortgage free, or at least nearly there.

Do you want to start renting again? Having to worry about the future? All for the hope of finding someone that does it for you in the bedroom?

It's a hard one, you have my sympathies.

CogitOIOIO Wed 10-Dec-14 17:57:53

Sorry, I got the mistaken impression that he was a second time around. So have you looked at the reality of what it would mean if you separated? Seen a lawyer? If he's a high earner and you gave up your earnings potential to support his career you've got an excellent case for spousal support. If you own property or other assets you have a 50% claim in that as a start point. In your fifties you may not be looking at being CEO of anything but you could potentially earn something for yourself. Top up benefits might not apply depending on the numbers.....

HumblePieMonster Wed 10-Dec-14 17:59:49

You no longer fancy your DH- would you end it?

Only the relationship. I'd give my life another chance. wink

WhatsGoingOnEh Wed 10-Dec-14 18:04:44

Why are you dragging up the doubts you had at the wedding, after 30 years and DC together?! After 30 years, I honestly feel those doubts are irrelevant.

It's like you're looking for reasons to leave. Is there anyone else? (Honestly?)

WhatsGoingOnEh Wed 10-Dec-14 18:09:19

You're contradicting yourself. One minute you say you never fancied him, and only married him to have kids. The next:

"I've been very open about the fact that I had doubts from the start. I love him- but I don't fancy him much any more. I think there has to be some understanding which is not coming over here that in a long 30 yr marriage feelings can change."

I don't get it - have your feelings changed? How? Did you use to fancy him, or not? It's really sounding like your feelings HAVENT changed, and that he leaves you as cold now as he originally did.

Have your DC recently left home? Is this sparked by your DH possibly retiring soon?

I still feel there's someone else.

Lostmarblez Wed 10-Dec-14 18:13:11

I've been there. It's awful as nothing wrong per say. More like bro and sister. I ended it but it took about 2 years to build up courage. Yes it was shit first year I'll be honest but then it got better. I'm now happily married with baby.
I would figure out if there is any way things could change how u feel. Then if not, go. It's not fair on him either. Good luck op x

victorianhomedreamer Wed 10-Dec-14 18:13:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UmizoomiThis Wed 10-Dec-14 18:15:30

I read the OP thinking you've been in a marriage max of 3 years and no kids were involved. Love your optimism that you'll live a healthy, active lifestyle another 30 years.

lesley1960 Wed 10-Dec-14 18:28:41

whatsgoingoneh I am sure you are trying to be helpful, but your posts are coming over as accusatory and a bit as if I'm on trial!

Obviously in a few posts on a forum it's hard to detail the emotions of a 30 yr marriage.

There doesn't have to be anyone else around to think about leaving something - even being on your own can be better than living in a marriage that isn't what you'd really wanted.

I think all I need explain is that I had doubts when I married- as many people will if they are honest. I had loved DH very much but he dithered for ages before he asked me to marry him (it was a LDR too) and by then I'd detached myself a lot, thinking it was never going to happen. Self preservation!

I did go ahead thinking my strong feelings would come back, but they haven't. I love him but I do not have strong sexual feelings for him.

I don't feel this is fair on him or on me.

But ending a marriage after 30 years is a huge decision when it's not all bad by any means. Selling the family home and deciding all our stuff accumulated over 30 years is very emotional in itself. Even if I never met anyone else I might feel that letting DH go was the right thing, for him.

I'm not going to come back to this because some posts are a bit judgemental and I was hoping for more understanding. I think I will pursue what I was thinking about anyway which is counselling.
Thank for the posters who showed some insight.

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