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When your partner admits they fancy someone else

(127 Posts)
Fuckleberry Wed 10-Dec-14 14:04:13

My partner of 6 years has just told me he 'fancies' someone at work, and the feeling is mutual. I have met her and suspected she had a crush on him but thought it was unrecipricated. He told me that he loves me and wants to be with me so thought the best thing was to be honest. I appreciate that, but what do I do now? I'm not sure how I'm meant to feel about it.

He also seemed a bit shocked and unwilling to (when i suggested he) cut contact for the time being, but he has now agreed to. I understand in long term relationships having a momentry crush on someone else is not uncommon, and I'm not angry at that. But he doesn't see how them continuing to text and meet up as friends, after admitting to each other they like each other, is a problem because they had 'agreed nothing can happen'. If he is serious about us, shouldn't his first thought be to not encourage his feelings and to minimise contact? This is what has annoyed and upset me. Maybe I am overreacting and should just be glad he is open about it?

Our relationship is mostly very good. Regular-ish sex life, affectionate, loving, supportive. Just tell me I'm being oversensitive? I guess I'm feeling a bit insecure right now.

Sorry if this is long and trivial

Tyzer85 Wed 10-Dec-14 14:10:03

Not speaking to each other at work might be quite difficult but I don't see why he shouldn't stop texting her or seeing her outside of work, it's good that he has told you as he knows that it's a problem.

Fuckleberry Wed 10-Dec-14 14:19:21

Thanks for replying. They work in completely different departments, they only really see each other socially, coffee, lunch, drinks out, that sort of thing. I'm just a bit gutted. I am glad he told me though, I already feel stupid for posting about it, just don't have anyone else to ask/talk about it with.

badbaldingballerina123 Wed 10-Dec-14 14:21:28

I may have misunderstood this. Correct me if I have.

Your dp has a female work colleague. They text and meet up outside of work. They've had a conversation about mutually liking each other and agree nothing will happen. He's told you he likes her but was unwilling to cut contact with her.

Surely this is an active emotional affair ( at the least ) as opposed to a crush on a colleague ? How long have they been texting and meeting up for ? When did they decide nothing can happen ? I'm afraid in your shoes I would do some investigating. He told you this but also had every intention of continuing to spend time with her. I think he's giving you a shot across the bow. If you don't take some action this has the potential to develop into something else.

RightHereRightNow Wed 10-Dec-14 14:22:01

It is good that he has been so open with you, but I must admit I would be pretty annoyed that he seems to have discussed this with the woman BEFORE he told you. How very nice that they both "agreed nothing can happen" - shame you didn't get to have some input.

But then that's maybe just me thinking the worst, and I have had a particularly bad day so I'm not feeling like people the benefit of the doubt!

LineRunner Wed 10-Dec-14 14:22:13

He needs to cut contact with her, yes.

YellowTulips Wed 10-Dec-14 14:24:08

Well points for honesty I suppose, but if my DH told me this I'd be pretty crushed tbh.

However I'd be furious if he thought it was then appropriate to continue with one to one social "dates" with this person. That's just bloody stupid (and rubbing your face in it). Honesty isn't a free pass to then do what the fuck you like when it's obviously inappropriate.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 10-Dec-14 14:24:17

If he wants to be with you, Fuckleberry then all of the cessation has to come from him, not you. All you can do is tell him how you feel about it and that it's made you sad/edgy/insecure/whatever. It's his job to manage this crush so that it doesn't cause you those feelings as you are his partner, the other is just a crush.

It's difficult because he feels the same way about her as she does about him.

I'm thinking about what I would do in your position and rightly or wrongly, I would tell him how much I love him, how much I want to be with him too but that I wouldn't engage in any kind of competition for him. He either wants me as he says he does - or he can go - and I won't stop him.

You're good enough as you are and you do not have to jump through hoops for his love. In fact, if you did, you would lose him anyway as he would lose respect for you. Put your cards on the table, very clearly, and let him know that if he's chosen you then it's for him to prove that by distancing himself from this crush.

He's not doing anything wrong at the moment but it must be hugely flattering for him and he's the one who has to back up what he's saying to you - or leave.

I'm very sorry, it's not a nice position to be in at all. thanks

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 10-Dec-14 14:25:00

He seems to have got forgotten the major part of the deal in these situations

By all means admit a mutual attraction to another person to your long term partner

But then you are supposed to take steps to stop it going any further

What he has effectively done is ask permission to carry on an emotional affair in plain sight

Are you going to give it to him ?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 10-Dec-14 14:26:10

he needs to read the Shirley Glass book Not Just friends

and you need to stiffen your backbone, big style

arsenaltilidie Wed 10-Dec-14 14:26:24

Most likely more has happened than just an understanding of 'nothing will happen.'
And he should be more focused on you.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 10-Dec-14 14:28:50

OP, I don't wish to upset you further but those are very intimate conversations where two people come to the conclusion that "nothign will happen"

in your shoes, I agree with arsenal and i would be presuming that something has already happened

possibly not penetrative sex, yet, but something

TheHermitCrab Wed 10-Dec-14 14:29:32

I think he has been "honest" because he feels guilty about an emotional affair.

They can't have a"agreed" they both fancy each other by having a clinical conversation about it all. There has obviously been more too it. Not necessarily cheating, but they have both obviously crossed boundaries in words and emotions to both know they both "fancy" each other.

We will all look at other members of the opposite sex and be attracted, but he's done more than that to know of anything mutual.

I'd be gutted and angry, I don't think I would see it as a positive that he was "honest" sounds like it was for his own piece of mind. That's why he didn't really want to cut off the contact with her.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 10-Dec-14 14:30:28

I also agree with badbalingballerina's comment that he's 'giving you a shot across the boughs'. The question is why is he doing that if he's in a happy and stable relationship with you?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 10-Dec-14 14:31:53

... and definitely don't let this become a 'Romeo and Juliet' thing that, if things were different, and he didn't have a partner he loved, then they would be together... hmm

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 10-Dec-14 14:32:23

You are not being at all over sensitive.

He should have cut all contact with this woman but he has chosen to continue seeing her. He is having an emotional affair with her under your very nose. Such entitled men want their cake and eat it too.

Do not do the "pick me" dance and read "Not Just Friends" written by
Shirley Glass.

I would consider your own future within this relationship because currently you are playing second fiddle to him.

Fuckleberry Wed 10-Dec-14 14:36:02

Thank you all for replying. I do feel shit to be honest and even said to him that it is basically an emotion affair, it doesn't have to be physical to not be OK. I think it is fairly recent feelings, though he has been working abroad a lot and did say 'it's not like I've been able to spend much time with her'. Well thanks a fucking bunch I feel much better now!

lyingwitch I did say to him he needs to decide what he's going to do about it and he says he will stop seeing her, though I feel like its because he knows I want that rather than him deciding he should. My self esteem has just plumetted though and I just feel so sad

JohnFarleysRuskin Wed 10-Dec-14 14:38:07

When I read your title, I was going to say, 'mm we can usually tell when we fancy someone else and yeah we're quite open about it" but it's not just 'fancying' is it? He's texting and 'dating' someone else and yes, as pp said, having intimate discussions with her.
I would not be happy and I would expect change.

Fuckleberry Wed 10-Dec-14 14:41:05

OK you're posting too quick to read and reply I'm just taking it all in. I see how bad it reads, he told me they admitted it to each other yesterday. I absolutely do not believe anything physical has happened. That might sound niave but really its true. I so do not want to panda and accept it. But I just don't know what I'm meant to do now. Bit lost and upset really

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 10-Dec-14 14:43:00

There is nothing you can do other than state what your boundaries are very explicitly

After that, the ball is entirely in his court

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 10-Dec-14 14:44:06

Hold your head up, Fuckleberry. If I were in your position, I'd take some time to get my thoughts together and then have a talk with him that lets him no in no uncertain terms that he's not a prize to be fought over and that you won't do it.

Does he really think that YOU haven't had offers? Haven't met a nice man you could see yourself with? You wouldn't have entertained the kinds of discussions he's had with this woman because you have more respect for yourself and your relationship with him.

What he said, "it's not like I've been able to spend much time with her" is not in any way comforting and, he's either very stupid or he's trying to instigate your break-up by ruining your self-confidence and feelings of worth. Don't let him please. You are worth so much more than this.

What's your situation at home? You've been together how long? Have a house together? Planning to marry at any point? Any previous difficulties with his commitment to you?

I'm asking these questions not because they matter but because when you answer them, the brilliant ladies here will tell you your options. You really don't need to put up with this and far from comforting you, your partner has said the worst possible things. Why would he do that?

You're not alone here, many of us have been where you are. Hold your head up high and let him see that, it will hopefully make him abject in his apologies and make him realise that he does want your relationship. He needs to demonstrate that, at the moment it's just words, words, worlds... and the wrong ones.

JohnFarleysRuskin Wed 10-Dec-14 14:44:16

Well, I would say something like: 'I love you and appreciate your honesty, really, but what are you going to do about it now to make me feel loved and safe?'

IrianofWay Wed 10-Dec-14 14:46:08

Dear DP.

People meet other people they like when they are in relationships. That is perfectly normal and while it may sting a little to be told about it, I am glad you were honest. So far so good.

However you should have told ME before you told her. Assuming that you wish to stay with me, you two do NOT get to decide if and to what extent your 'relationship' develops. Discussing this with her is a major betrayal. You continuing to contact her on any subject other than strictly work-related matters and to have text and phone conversations is another.

You need to go NC and kill this crush stone dead. If you want to stay with me.

Make up your mind.

AmonRa1 Wed 10-Dec-14 14:49:02

Wow, I would be devastated if this happened to me and tbh, re-considering my relationship.

At the end of the day, everyone that is in a relationship will look at other people and find them attractive, that’s natural, you don’t turn blind/ walk around with your eyes closed as soon as you enter into a relationship.

Looking and having the odd flirt is fine but in order to tell each other you fancy each other and agree nothing can happen, they have obviously been having cosy little chats, also, him not agreeing to cut contact and still meeting up for coffee and things?! No, if he had any respect for you he wouldn’t.

I am of the same mindset as the poster above though that said I certainly wouldn’t be fighting to keep him or competing with her for him. I would simply state that you love him and want the relationship to continue, but if he continues to speak to her/ see her then you’re sorry but it’s over. He is free to go and be with her if he wishes but if he does, that’s it, no going back.

Maybe you aren’t meant to be together, maybe you’re both suited to other people and this is fates’ way of telling you? Who knows, but for goodness sake put your foot down, set some boundaries and if he fails to adhere to them, show him the door.

Fuckleberry Wed 10-Dec-14 14:51:52

I'm all teary now. Thank you for the advice, I really appreciate it and realise my initial reaction was too accepting.

lyingwitxh been together near 6 years, no joint assets, no children, no marriage, though they are all (mostly) planned for the future. We recwntly moved coubtires together. Like I said in my original post our relationship has always been very good and open, we rarely fight and communication (I thought) was really good.

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