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DD has been sexually abused. (Triggers)

(89 Posts)
Celestria Wed 10-Dec-14 10:53:12

I have a thread about something else, a separate issue so wanted to start a fresh one as I really need support just now and I don't want the two issues being muddled together.

Two nights ago my 8yo Dd2 broke the news to me that a 15 year old boy had raped her on four or five occasions, on weekends when in her fathers care (I work weekends)

The last 36 hours has been a nightmare of phone calls, CID, police, social services, child protection and so many tears.

It came out because I'd made the decision to tell both my DD's why I didn't speak to my father. This was due to abuse I suffered at 7yo by a 15yo cousin and my family disbelieving me. Because I opened up about that, my dd2 felt safe to tell me what had been happening to her.

My world has fallen apart. Without going into details, I've been through hell and back since I was a child but nothing comes close to what it does to you, hearing practically your own story coming from your babies mouth. It's destroyed me. My worst nightmare come true.

My DD2 has been amazing. Absolutely amazing. She has done her best to tell all professionals involved what happened to her. Even when she has been so scared she can't speak and so wrote it down. I'm in awe of her strength and resilience. She is my little heroine.

There is another little girl that this lad is regularly around and she is being spoken to today. They strongly suspect he will have been doing things to her.

Thankfully, I've been through this myself and I know how to handle it with my DD2. She knows it's not her fault. She knows she didn't do anything to bring it on. She knows she is believed, is safe and doesn't have to see him again. I've also started looking into specialist counselling for her and am doing everything in my power to make sure the damage done from this is a limited as possible.

Inside though, I just feel this has finally broken me. I comforted myself that although my own abuse was horrendous and how I was treated afterward was horrendous, that it would never ever happen to my children. The fact that it has, has just killed something in me. I need this thread to fall apart in, so I can stay strong for her in RL.

The whole situation is double bladed in that it's almost parallel to what happened to me and is bringing back terrible memories and things I fought hard to block out. I'm so glad I can do the right things for her. And so bitter that my own father couldn't do it for me. My head is one spinning mess.

CatCushion Wed 10-Dec-14 11:00:29

We're here for you. flowers

You are strong. You are a survivor. You have brought your daughter up well. This is not your fault and the abuse your daughter has experienced is not due to the abuse you went through.

So glad she was able to tell you about this and able to stop it from happening again.

Lottapianos Wed 10-Dec-14 11:03:41

'She knows it's not her fault. She knows she didn't do anything to bring it on. She knows she is believed, is safe and doesn't have to see him again'

What a terrific parent you are to have achieved all of this for her. I am so very sorry OP, that is just horrendous. It sounds like you are handling it brilliantly.

Please feel free to fall apart here if it helps you. I'm sure you know very well how important it is to make time for yourself, and to give time and thought to your own emotions, so you can stay strong for your DD, but also because you own it to yourself. I can't imagine how traumatic this must be for you, especially considering your own experiences.

GoatsDoRoam Wed 10-Dec-14 11:05:46

This has not broken you. It has not broken you, because you are taking all the actions that your DD needs right now.

You are putting in place all the support that she needs. Can you also put in place the support that you also need? There are so many clear reasons why you should also have professionals to turn to at this time, for your own good. Do you have a counsellor, and if not, can you find yourself one? There is a lot for you to talk through and receive support for. Help is out there for you, too.

All my good wishes to both you and your DD.

juliascurr Wed 10-Dec-14 11:06:23

how terrible for you both
I'm so sorry this happened to you
I hope you are getting support from Rape Crisis etc
xxx

dirtybadger Wed 10-Dec-14 11:08:45

Just like to say you are doing a brilliant job. Your DD is very lucky to have such a wonderful mum.
The difference between what you and your DF have gone through is that you all believe her. You are supporting her and taking her seriously. I am sure, as you didn't have that, you know how much that will mean to her now and in years to come.

CogitOIOIO Wed 10-Dec-14 11:09:00

I'm so sorry this terrible thing happened to your DD and also yourself. You're doing the right things, I'm sure, and perhaps if you talk to some of those support services you mention about your own experience, you can finally get the help you need?

dirtybadger Wed 10-Dec-14 11:09:23

dd not df sorry, auto correct.

Angelwings11 Wed 10-Dec-14 11:11:34

How awful for you all I am so sorry this has happened. You are strong and if unloading here is what you need, then keep doing it. You say that this is parallel to your own story; the difference here is that you believe your DD, and have put measures in place that will help her.

dalek Wed 10-Dec-14 11:14:44

I am so very sorry for your dd and you.

Your daughter feels safe with you and you are there for her and believe her 100%. From you she knows that it is not her fault and that she is in no way to blame whatsoever - that makes you a brilliant parent.

Unload here - lots of people much wiser than me will be sure to help.

Take care of your dd and yourself.

DozyDotes Wed 10-Dec-14 11:16:51

Both you and your DD are my heroes tonight. You're a wonderful mum who has created an environment where your DD has felt safe and supported enough to tell you what's been happening and to put a stop to it. Your DD's bravery means that she and probably another girl will not have to endure any more abuse. I'm so sorry you've both having to go through this but you couldn't have responded in a more caring and constructive way. flowers for both of you.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Wed 10-Dec-14 11:17:51

I'm so sorry this is happening to you & your DD. I'm sure there are many more MNers who will give you much better advice & help than I can, having been through similar things themselves.

I can hand-hold with the best of them though, and - FWIW - you sound like a brilliant mum, which is everything your little girl needs just now.

flowers

Celestria Wed 10-Dec-14 11:28:04

That's the thing cognito. I never in a million years thought I would say this, but I'm actually grateful for what happened to me now. Because if it hadn't of happened I can't guarantee I would have known exactly what to do and know the right things to say. If it hadn't of happened, I wouldn't have shared my story with my daughters and my dd could still be walking about carrying what's happened to her on her shoulders or worse. It could have carried on happening.

How sick is it to think that I finally find a way to make some peace with what happened to me. By it happening to my own daughter. Life really is cruel.

Celestria Wed 10-Dec-14 11:30:49

I have quit my job. I don't know what I will do finance wise but that means nothing to me now. All those weekends thinking bringing in money was more important than being with my children. Dd is away swimming at the moment. When she is not here I go into a zombie like state where I can't feel anything or care about anything. It's like having two personalities right now.

SlimJiminy Wed 10-Dec-14 11:50:48

Plenty of doting mums work weekends to provide for their kids op - none of them expect something as horrific as this to happen when they do. Have you organised professional support for yourself as well as your daughter? I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this flowers

isthisunfair1967 Wed 10-Dec-14 11:54:51

I have reported this to HQ - just because you've posted in your normal name, and you have tons of threads, and you might be identifiable.

thanks and {{hugs}} for what you are going through.

HumblePieMonster Wed 10-Dec-14 13:33:11

thanks I am so sorry this has happened to your daughter and to you. I hope you can feel strengthened by the support of MNers and that all the relevant agencies are able to fulfil their roles effectively. I'm sorry we can't take it away. I'm glad you are there for your daughter and hope there are people in real life who are there for you.

mix56 Wed 10-Dec-14 13:43:19

I am so very sorry for your abuse & lack of support. you are being wonderfully supportive of your DD, maybe the councilling you didn't get as a child will happen now for you.
Where was the father when this boy was raping your child repeatedly ?

yongnian Wed 10-Dec-14 13:45:21

Oh love I have no words of wisdom but could not read and run. flowers to you and your DD.
The only thing I can offer is that you are so right when you say your own experience will be of so much value and support to your DD because you've been there. I say this because my DD1 and I share a defining childhood issue too (unrelated to yours) and tho it has given me much sadness to see her tread a similar path, it has helped me key into her feelings and experiences better than I might have been able to. And by working with her on it, it has alleviated some of the pain of my own, because I could be there for her as no one else could
I'm so sorry to read your heartbreaking post and wish you all the love and strength in the world to go through this.
X

MonstrousRatbag Wed 10-Dec-14 13:48:41

You sound as though you are doing fantastically well with your daughter. Please look after yourself too.

Ohfourfoxache Wed 10-Dec-14 13:54:38

Oh sweetheart sad

Fall apart as much as you need to - we're here thanks

beeny Wed 10-Dec-14 14:00:11

You sound lovely and insightful. I prosecute many cases like this, am happy to give you any advice I can.

Namechangeyetagaintohide Wed 10-Dec-14 14:02:24

flowers do you. You are an amazing mother. She is lucky to have you.

I wouldn't think of it as finding peace because of what happened to your DD. It's more like you be found a way (due to awful circumstances) to help someone -your DD - based on your own experience. Which has brought something better from something awful IYWIM.

however Wed 10-Dec-14 14:08:59

Please don't torture yourself by thinking you've prioritised money over your children. You haven't. You've done what millions of parents around the world do every day. I'm so sorry this has happened.

NoRoomAtTheGin Wed 10-Dec-14 14:53:09

Oh Celestria, God, how awful for you and your family. My heart goes out to you all. Please look after yourself too, and I hope you can share with someone close to you in real life. Please reach out to someone - anyone if you need it

((((hugs))))

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