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Crap at relationships! And this one I want to work!!! poss trigger ........

(7 Posts)
cornishpasty89 Wed 10-Dec-14 10:52:31

I'm with a really lovely guy.. been with some not so nice ones in the past, but now with him and recently moved in together.

He is so so nice, but I cannot except that someone can be and I am having huge struggles coming to terms with it and I am either putting up huge defensive walls or trying to constantly find problems with him/us.

When I met him I had just started seeing a counsellor about childhood abuse, which I never had when I was younger and felt I really wanted to try and 'get on' with my life and feel more normal, I find commiting very hard and always want to run at the first sign of problems, whether this is part of my childhood I don't know, I wish I did.

So I started counselling but £40 every week go so expensive that I struggled financially and had to stop after about 6 sessions, I feel like I am desperate for someone to talk to, just so I can understand why I feel like I do sometimes, and why I just don't feel normal. Its always like I'm outside a window looking in at everyone having a lovely time, and I cant quite get there!

I am so scared I am going to destruct my relationship, I haven't spoke to dp about this, he knows the very basic and that I was seeing a counsellor but thats all.

GoatsDoRoam Wed 10-Dec-14 10:59:40

It sounds like you really want and need counselling, and are ready for it.

How could you budget differently in order to afford the £40 per week?
Have you spoken to your GP to see what options are open for you on the NHS?

Resist the urge to use your DP as a therapist (sounds like you have so far). But you are clearly bursting to speak to someone, and it really needs to be a professional, and not one of your personal relationships.

There is no guarantee that any relationship will work out, of course, but there's no need to panic about this one either: you have made the commitment of moving in together, he is good and kind to you... Don't worry that you will destroy the relationship: you are you, and he has accepted you as you are so far. Relax.

But do look into getting counselling again.

CogitOIOIO Wed 10-Dec-14 11:24:59

I think it's time to tell your DP rather more of your story. Not all the gory details if you're not ready, and he certainly shouldn't be treated as a therapist, but he needs to understand you more fully as a person. Otherwise all he's going to see is someone putting up walls or pushing him away or whatever else it is you are doing and he will have no frame of reference and no context for the behaviour.

In the meantime, also be conscious of your own actions. However bad your past and however troubled your mind it doesn't give you the right to treat others unkindly. So, if you want the relationship to work, take the responsibility, think before you speak or act, and apologise if you get it wrong. Counselling aside ... are you in receipt of treatment from your GP? The description of looking through a window could be indicative of clinical depression.

cornishpasty89 Wed 10-Dec-14 13:30:32

Thanks so much for your replies.

I went to the doctors a couple of months ago, I explained things were all getting on top of me and she gave me anti-depressants, but I am still to start them, I am really wary of taking them ,, I said counselling was so expensive , and she gave me a card for NHS services, but they are all helplines nothing more.

CogitOIOIO Wed 10-Dec-14 16:47:18

If you're wary of taking any prescribed medication please go back to your GP, explain your concerns and ask them more questions. If you say nothing they will think a) you are taking the medication and b) you no longer have the symptoms. If you have a chemical imbalance - such as might be a factor in clinical depression - then counselling really isn't going to correct it.

Please go back to your GP.

Tobyjugg Wed 10-Dec-14 18:11:07

As well as talking to your GP, you need to talk to your dp. He needs to understand exactly what you are facing emotionally.

dirtybadger Wed 10-Dec-14 18:23:25

Also worth talking to your pharmacist about the likely side effects of the AD's, how long you should expect before side effects get better (they usually get better so they can tell you what is a problem and what is likely to go away after a week or whatever).

Could you maybe see the counsellor once a fortnight? That halves the cost. I don't know anything about counselling so perhaps it's not advisable to leave that gap but worth checking out.

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