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DP being really off with me, cold and impossible to talk to. Am I just being needy?

(53 Posts)
SleepDeprivedAnnie Wed 10-Dec-14 06:10:17

Past few days he's been rather volatile, blowing up at me over the slightest thing. A couple of nights ago he was awful, really argumentative, saying he couldn't be arsed to talk to me when I tried to make up with him (even though it really want my fault we were arguining, he'd just blown up over something trivial) and basically just acting like he hated me, like I was a mate he'd fallen out with.

Last night I felt really ill, I told him I felt a bit shit and he completely blanked me. I tried making conversation with him and he answered me but acted like he really couldn't be arsed and his tone was quite off. My headache began turning into a migraine, I took some tablets and said to him "wow my head feels like it's going to explode". Absolutely no reply.

Fast forward half an hour and it got that bad I felt quite tearful. I was also becoming quite upset at his lack of concern. I said "you know, I'm feeling really shit here, could do with a hug". He replied "you didn't want to know me earlier so bollocks to you". He was referring the point where he came in from work and I hugged and kissed him whilst serving up his dinner. He decided I hadn't bothered with him at that point which was untrue. I said "I was serving up your dinner!" And he replied "so? I'm not going to kiss your arse for it" shock.

Much of the same all night. Eventually I said "I'm going to bed, you're being off with me again and I don't know why and on top of that I feel really ill". He kicked off saying I was trying to start an argument and he couldn't be arsed with me. I said "all I wanted was a hug". He reluctantly shoved the tv remote out of the way and snapped "come here then!". I felt more awful at that point, forcing my partner to show a bit of affection? He then said "well I'm not going to come pandering to you".

Later in the night I told him his behaviour was making me feel insecure and I could do with a bit of reassurance. His reply was "yes master! Immediately master!" confused.

I was crying and it didn't bother him in the slightest.

Wtf is going on? Am I needy?

JapaneseMargaret Wed 10-Dec-14 06:20:07

Wow, he sounds like quite an arsehole.

Anything changed at all recently, that you've noticed?

And no, you're not being needy.

GoldfishSpy Wed 10-Dec-14 06:22:23

He sounds like a horrible person. Sorry.
You might be feeling insecure as he likes it that way.

LineRunner Wed 10-Dec-14 06:25:20

That is really sustained nasty behaviour from him. It's unacceptable.

What was the trivial thing he blew up over, out of interest?

Springheeled Wed 10-Dec-14 06:57:51

That 'yes master' is just sheer horribleness! He is behaving like a child.

XmasTimeMammariesandWine Wed 10-Dec-14 07:01:37

Is he usually like this? If not he could be depressed. It can cause behaviour like this. If he has always been like this then yes, it's not acceptable behaviour and doesn't show him in a good light.

XmasTimeMammariesandWine Wed 10-Dec-14 07:03:50

I think we need to look a bit deeper at it than just judging someone and advising LTB in basis of how they act in an argument. Everyone is an arsehole in an argument. So depends how he is usually. If he has suddenly been volatile sounds like stress / depression. Not an excuse but maybe an explanation.

SirRaymondClench Wed 10-Dec-14 07:18:37

Not suggesting that this is the cause but my XH used to do this sort of thing when he was seeing OW. Being an arsehole justified (to him) his shagging an OW, based on the fact that I was so unreasonable hmm
Anything else changed recently OP?

Hissy Wed 10-Dec-14 07:35:53

yeah, sudden outbbreaks of wankerishness usually indicates OW.

how long have you been with him?

tell him to go elsewhere if he's going to speak to you like that.

none of what you describe is an acceptable way for a supposed DP to treat another.

sit him down, ask him to spill the beans on why he suddenly thinks it ok to treat you like this. if he refuses, tell him to go until he does.

Littleturkish Wed 10-Dec-14 07:40:46

I hate to say it but I agree with PP.

Is there somethibg going on to make him so stressed out? If it isn't an OW or wanting to exit the relationship, are there other issues the two of you have that you haven't mentioned?

If you can't think of anything I would make myself scarce in the evenings- let him enjoy his own miserable company for a week, get myself involved in other more interesting things and then see how he behaves after that. If he questions you on why you aren't home- just simply say you wanted to get out, you weren't enjoying the tense atmosphere. If he pushes and you push back, it will just make him push more. Make him realise that by pushing you away, you will go!

wallaby73 Wed 10-Dec-14 10:29:39

He's treating you with contempt, and unfirtunately if you respond with any sort of pleading or pandering and trying to "please him" out of his wankerish mood, you just earn even more contempt. He's treating you with no respect; so hurtful. Reject it out of hand, stand up to him, don't try to reason....xx

VitalStollenFix Wed 10-Dec-14 10:39:54

He is being horrible.

Please take a moment to look at how he is treating you.

Is this what you want a lifetime of? Is this what you want for any children you might have now or in the future?

He needs to change. It is unacceptable to treat someone like this.

You do not treat someone you love like shit. You just don't.

Before these last couple of days what was he like? I mean, is this how he normally is, even a bit? did he have a complete personality transplant 48 hours ago or is it that things have slowly been heading down this road, drip drip drip until now he's started with this?

Even if he is normally a lovely guy, and he is being like this with you because he is stressed over something, then what he is telling you is that in his opinion, it is ok to shit all over someone you love when you are stressed. It's ok to take it out on them. So is this what he is going to do every time something is not going well for him? Make your life hell?

He needs to understand that that isn't ok. We all have stresses in life. We don't all use that as an excuse to turn round and treat people we love like shit on our shoes. Normally people share how they are feeling. Tell you what's up. Ask for support. Ask for space even. They don't attack you. And if they do, you shouldn't accept it.

Phalenopsis Wed 10-Dec-14 12:29:01

Cherchez la femme OP.

I'd be giving him a good grilling about his recent attitude and then I'd be doing some snooping if I were you. Hope I'm wrong.

GoodKingQuintless Wed 10-Dec-14 12:31:51

And the nastier he is, the more insecure you feel, and start begging for reassurance, begging for attention, affection, and he will know he has you just where he wants you....

Do you have children together?

nicenewdusters Wed 10-Dec-14 12:53:12

My first thought, in the absence of any further information, was possibly OW.

If he's generally like this he sounds nasty, childish and argumentative.

MillliChristmas Wed 10-Dec-14 13:02:19

I have to agree with pp's. It sounds like his affections are being focused somewhere else. sad

Petal02 Wed 10-Dec-14 13:08:11

My DH can be like a bear with a sore head if he's stressed out about work. He never actually tells me at the time if, for example, he's got a problem with a supplier etc, I tend to find out that "god last week was awful, you would't believe the situation that Joe Bloggs Ltd put me in with their late deliveries" - men can be really bad at communicating.

Tyzer85 Wed 10-Dec-14 13:11:22

Is there something going on that could be causing him stress e.g. something going on at work? It could be stress or depression, I'm not going to project like others and jump to the conclusion that he's cheating.

worldgonecrazy Wed 10-Dec-14 13:21:51

Did he have a night out in the week prior to this? Been hiding his phone? Text messages at odd hours?

It could be stress/depression but I'd put money on him either feeling guilty about some behaviour or hoping to force you away so that he doesn't have to feel like the bad party.

Hissy Wed 10-Dec-14 13:48:21

It could be stress or depression, I'm not going to project like others and jump to the conclusion that he's cheating

No, Tyzer85 but you can excuse his treating her like shit....

there isn't a reason at all to speak to the person we are supposed to be partners with like this. none.

men can be really bad at communicating

No... Petal people who are bad at communicating are bad at communicating. Don't tar all men with this. please.

Stress or depression is NOT a valid excuse for treating others badly.

the OP has every right to pull him up on it and tell him to sort himself the fuck out. now.

Tyzer85 Wed 10-Dec-14 13:52:35

I'm not excusing him but telling someone that could be depressed or stressed to sort themselves the fuck out is not really the right way to about things.

XmasTimeMammariesandWine Wed 10-Dec-14 17:13:58

It's a massive assumption to make that because he is a bit grumpy he has an OW. I don't think we should be planting that idea in OPs head if she trusts him.

XmasTimeMammariesandWine Wed 10-Dec-14 17:14:15

And i agree with Tyzer

misanthropologist Wed 10-Dec-14 18:47:08

"Later in the night I told him his behaviour was making me feel insecure and I could do with a bit of reassurance. His reply was "yes master! Immediately master!" confused.

I was crying and it didn't bother him in the slightest."

What. A. Wank-badger.

Even if you HAD been "needy" which I doubt you were, that bit was utterly out of order. brew, cake and flowers for you, OP, and could we please get a [crowbar] face so the arsemarmot could stop being quite so up himself already?

SinglePringle Wed 10-Dec-14 19:00:23

Christ on a bike but that sounds like my ex. 'You gave me attention but not enough attention and now I'm going to punish you till you dance to my tune. But I'm never going to play the tune to you so you'll always be guessing how it sounds'.

I once (because I wanted to) opened the door to his arrival dressed in lingerie. He acted like I was in a kagol and wellies - no reaction. When I questioned him about it later he replied 'why do I have to make the first move?' Seriously. I once surprised him with a birthday present of a holiday. He went batshit that I didn't have time to cook him a boiled egg (doing so would have made me late for work). Seriously batshit; 'you're a selfish bitch, you don't care about me etc etc'.

You will never win as the goal posts are changed every single time you meet 'expectations' (the outline of which you will have to guess / will never understand).

My ex was unfaithful (always told me) but this behaviour was separate to this.

He was an abusive wanker I've never really recovered from 20 years later.

You are worth more.

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