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does marriage guidance work? if so what type/system is best?

(11 Posts)
bickering Tue 09-Dec-14 21:44:59

DH and I are looking for some help but I can't help thinking that the psychoanalysis route (looking at lots of negative things in the past) could do more harm than good.....

Can you share any thoughts or experience please?

Quitelikely Tue 09-Dec-14 21:54:26

But what if one or both of you are having difficulties over something that one of you did in the past?

Significant events that cause resentment or seething arguments need discussing surely?

Quitelikely Tue 09-Dec-14 21:55:27

And discussing the past is not necessarily a psychoanalytical approach, well IMO anyway

bickering Tue 09-Dec-14 22:01:39

Thanks. In our case there is no big hidden problem. DH has a short fuse. Mine isn't much longer! We basically 'sweat the small stuff' and cannot communicate well enough to reach a compromise in a calm, sensible fashion.

I would imagine that some history would be relevant but I can see that (for us) re-living previous traumas might not be completely positive.

Meerka Tue 09-Dec-14 22:27:40

Yes, sometimes looking into the past is unhelpful. It can turn small sores into sodding great festering ulcers sometimes (Other times, its actually very useful; but working out which times is the key. Are there traumatic events or slow-poison relationships in the past? If so, sit up. If not, then the past may not be relevant).

Would CBT help? looking at how you handle things here and now, less at the past. I think there is a professional body for CBTherapy, you could find someone through them. here, I think

Meerka Tue 09-Dec-14 22:28:22

Also mindfulness training maybe. I get the impression it gives a sense of proportion so it's easier to sweat the small stuff

notespeller Wed 10-Dec-14 03:41:47

I think Satir trained therapists would be helpful and yes the CBT route would also be good. Although you are right about constantly rehashing the past being unhelpful it can be helpful to some degree because if you don't clear that stuff it will be difficult to move on from. Good luck

gatewalker Wed 10-Dec-14 11:13:06

How about trying Imago Therapy? It does mean going into the past. I don't believe we operate independently from it; it is nearly always present. That doesn't mean a therapy has to fixate on it, but it is worth working with a therapist who holds this dynamic consciously.

bickering Thu 08-Jan-15 13:34:10

Thanks for all of the suggestions. DH and I have decided we are looking for a 'coaching' approach rather than the therapy as it seems to yield better results. We have also agreed to avoid criticising each other as this seems to be the start of many disagreements. Not easy to do in practice but it does seem to be helping. Now we just need to find a coach - there don't seem to be many around....

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 08-Jan-15 13:43:20

I think you should approach the regular marriage guidance services on offer but simply be clear about what problem it is you particular want assistance with. If you don't think you want to delve into certain areas then state as much at the outset. A good counsellor should work with you, not impose anything.

Deckthehallswithdesperation Thu 08-Jan-15 16:01:31

There are some really good videos on YouTube by john gottman of the gottman insitute about why marriages get into trouble & I found them useful. What he says is true. There are also videos of couples having counselling & you start learning the whys & hows. Not a total cure on it's own but quite instructive. You'll find yourself recognising stuff.

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