Horrible PA MIL

[furcoatbigknickers]

Yes, it is a MIL thread i'm afraid.

My Pil just visited for the weekend. Mil is very nice on the surface but makes loads of barbed comments at me. Constantly tries to make sure dcs favour her and don' t give me any attention while she is around... The more she does this, the more dcs cling to me.

I was sitting look at toys in argos book with dd 5, dd said, i don't like that anymore about monster high dolls. Mil turned round and said, does she not like me either.

I don't know why Im postung just fed up if her passive aggressive snd controlling ways.

[momb]

Tinkly laugh 'Oh DD, we don't say mean things to each other do we? I think that Granny has forgotten the rules in our house! hahaha!'

You can let it wash over you but it will come to a head eventually, best to pull her up every time: if you can do it before you lose your temper you will come out of it the better person.

She's horrid. You are in the right.

[furcoatbigknickers]

Thanks momb I do pull her up often but then feel like I look like the baddy and feel terribly guilty afterwards. Also some things are hard to actually challenge, like come here fur no3, sit between nan and pap... Glares at me ad if to say ive got her. Old bag.

[hissingcat]

She sounds horrible. sounds like your dc don't like her behaviour much either.

[Meerka]

Is your husband aware of what's going on? This kind of subtle stuff is very hard to detect for men, sometimes, or for women who aren't actually the one being aimed at.

Best way to deal with it? Talk to him and get him on your side. Tackle this together.

What would happen if you started making nasty comments back? "does she not like me either" reply "only when you're being mean" said with a smile

[furcoatbigknickers]

Yes dh knows, is sometimes supportive and sometimes stands up to her. Other times he says oh she didn't mean it like that.

[furcoatbigknickers]

Tbh i've had this shit for 15 years and when we had dd1 was about a year old (12 years ago) we split up twice because of her and his enabling dad. Since then dh is alot better.

He said mil had the huff because dh wouldn't let her take dd1 to school cos she leaves at 7.30 and I wouldn't be able to get rid of then. They are worse when dh not thete.

[Hissy]

I like momb's approach.

i'd be direct. dead pan and honest.

how rude. were manners rationed in your day, or was it a rubbish upbringing?

then don't go back there again, and don't foster any form of relationship betweeen her and the children.

if anything is said, state clearly that you'd prefer positive role models in their lives, and would prefer they weren't exposed to such dysfunction.

ultimately stop giving a shit about her feelings, she patently doesn't care about yours, OR the children's

[Meerka]

hissy's right, they don't care about your feelings or your children's. They're playing games.

keep working on your husband to get him backing you. Let him know what she's like when you are not there. If you're at this stage, even consider recording her.

[furcoatbigknickers]

ultimately stop giving a shit about her feelings, she patently doesn't care about yours, OR the children's


You are so right but I guess for a lot people including me it doesn't come easily. I would be giving same afvice to someone else. I just want her to play
Nicely.

[Hissy]

playing nice is not what's ever going to happen here love.

the definition of madness is to repeat the same things over and over and expect different outcomes.

this woman isn't nice. she's never going to be nice, so stop waiting for her to be something she is not.

take the gloves off and look her in the eye and tell her that she has no right to be so rude to you and to your children.

you hold the cards here, your H has to back you and your children.

[Hissy]

oh and don't have here there when your H isn't there, and tell him and her why.

[Hissy]

her not here

[Meerka]

It isn't easy no.

But the damage she is doing is not only to your marriage but to your childen. You are adult and can feel the pinpricks of what she is doing. Your children are too young to have their protection in place and she's playing mind games with them. it's mean stuff.

[furcoatbigknickers]

Cheers Hissy and Meerka I do need straight talking, its been to long in this cycle of her treating me, sometimes dh and dcs like crap, her then being all nicey, nicey and not seeing her for a bit, me expecting better behaviour to be let down again. Needs to stop.

[furcoatbigknickers]

I've just spoken to dh about the situation. I've told him I will be dealing with her directly from now on, no more pussy footing, He seemed in agreement. Usually when I say she hates me, he disagrees no this time.

[Hissy]

this will be good.

it's a result of her conditioning of him that he's terrified of her. so to support you in standing up foryourself will help you, and help him in the long term grow and recover from what she's put him through in her upbringing

[Hissy]

yes, this stuff's hard.

you and dh are nice people, so standing up for yourself/family etc WILL be a struggle.

but the alternative is to allow your chikldren to be hearing that shit, undermining you as a parent etc.

[furcoatbigknickers]

Tbh Hissy i've thought he is so used to her from childhood that he founds it so hard. About 6 months ago they wantec to visit and it was not convient but dh was actually sunking into depression as he could'nt face telling them. hea such a nice bloke.

[furcoatbigknickers]

From now on Im not going to take it.

[furcoatbigknickers]

Ive never really got over her trying to take my dd1 when she was a baby 13 years ago.

[nicenewdusters]

Go for it OP. It's either the path you're about to go down or non contact to save your sanity. You have the golden ticket - your dh's support. He'll waver from time to time, he's got a lifetime of conditioning to overcome there. But if you have agreed an approach, and stick together, you can do it.

As others have said these people don't change. They can't be reasoned with, there's no better side of their nature to appeal to. Call her on all her little remarks, looks and asides. She won't know what's hit her. She'll no doubt play the victim and it'll all be about her and your dreadful behaviour. Well that's fine, let her live in her own little world. As long as she is prevented from damaging the one occupied by you, your dh and dc who cares.

[Meerka]

She tried to take the baby? yeesh.

Your husband will need support here, as nice said he's got a lifetime of conditioning to fight. But the big thing is that he's mainly on your side.

Might it help to change how often and where you see her? More out for a coffee and less in the homes? Not all the time, but if you could move some meetings to neutral ground it's far easier to control and make short.

Agreed, call her on all the little nasty comments, as far as you can. It is hard, with some of the more subtle stuff.

[furcoatbigknickers]

What I usually do is take my fustration about mil out on dh, not fair. I'm not going to do that anymore. The gloves are off.

I'd love to not see her see her just for a coffee etc but they live too far away. We see them about once a month for an intense weekend.

[Meerka]

Do they stay with you? If they do then is there any possibility of them going to a hotel?

Good luck - hopefully things will be a lot easier between you and your husband once you've both altered the status quo

[furcoatbigknickers]

Meerka they stay in a hotel but arrive here at 7.30 leave at 9/10.