Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Too many red flags.. I ended it, handhold please

(13 Posts)
Catbadger Tue 09-Dec-14 16:17:26

I separated last year, had a lovely time single and reconnecting with frienfs, met someone 5 months ago. It was good but there were some issues dealing with my ex and factoring dc's into things. The last 6 weeks argument after argument, I realised he was jealous of my friends and getting very moody and I'be been walking on eggshells around his moods.

A quick Google and I realised he met all these from an abusive list:

Question relationships with partners who:
•Abuse alcohol or other drugs (cannabis in his case)
•Blame you for how they treat you, or for anything bad that happens.
•Are always angry at someone or something.
•Try to isolate you and control whom you see or where you go.
•Don’t listen to you or show interest in your opinions or feelings. . .things always have to be done their way.
•Blame all arguments and problems on you.
•Experience extreme mood swings. . .tell you you’re the greatest one minute and rip you apart the next minute.

Some other cues that might indicate an abusive relationship might include:
•You feel afraid to break up with them.
•You feel afraid to make decisions or bring up certain subjects so that the other person won’t get mad.
•You tell yourself that if you just try harder and love your partner enough that everything will be just fine.
•You find yourself crying a lot, being depressed or unhappy.
•You find yourself worrying and obsessing about how to please your partner and keep them happy.

So I ended it at the weekend. I miss the good bits but mainly feel relived.... But it's dark and cold, Xmas is round the corner and my dc's are just about to up their time at ex H's as he's finally sorted long term accommodation. I'm feeling a little scared and alone right now.

Would dearly welcome any reassurance I did the right thing (and tips for how to avoid the 'can't live without you' and 'I'm all alone in the world now' attempts at hoovering).

pictish Tue 09-Dec-14 16:22:21

Personally, I'd find the 'can't live without you' meeping a massive turn off. Self sufficiency is attractive, whilst neediness is most definitely not.

You've done the right thing.

AmserGwin Tue 09-Dec-14 16:24:23

Yes you did the right thing, imagine having to spend Xmas with him! Now you don't, your free!

AdoraBell Tue 09-Dec-14 16:30:17

Yep, free to spend Christmas how you want to, be that seeing friends, watching your choice of TV/films, duvet days because you feel like it or doing something new and exciting.

Absolutely, definitely, without a shadow of doubt, you did the right thing.

Well done.

AdoraBell Tue 09-Dec-14 16:37:05

And if he's all alone in the world then he needs to change his behaviour because it was his behaviour that was the problem with your relationship.

Also, it takes years to change that behaviour and it will only happen if he decides to make it happen. So if he tells he you has or is going to change it makes no difference, because it takes years and will probably never happen. And because the damage is done. His behaviour destroyed your relationship regardless of what he will tell you.

Quitelikely Tue 09-Dec-14 16:43:24

Well done for showing you have some common sense when it comes to men!

Please don't go contacting him. He's bad news and it will never end well. You can't change him, he is who he is and he likes to put you in your place if he even sees a hint of loveliness about you. He wants you all for himself but to do that he has to use a range of complex techniques (like you described above) so stay well away!

Join online dating or arrange meet ups with friends to pass the time.

Catbadger Tue 09-Dec-14 17:09:34

Thanks all I just told my DP's and my sister who have said 'what a relief' and voiced concerns they had.... And had gently raised but I'd been too blinkered to see/hear. My lovely best mate has also pointed out she's been patiently bidding her time and waiting for the crash, she had flagged up some points but just kept asking 'do you think it's worth it'.... She's turning up with lunch on Sat to break up the weekend.

Thanks all.

Meerka Tue 09-Dec-14 17:15:24

You did. You really did.

You dodged a bullet.

You listened to that little voice that was telling you things were wrong and acted on it. This Christmas is going to be a good one because you did the right thing. Much better hugging a teddy than a jailor.

Catbadger Tue 09-Dec-14 17:26:46

You are all lovely but am sat here in tears, feeling sad I picked a bad 'un (altho to be fair he pursued me) and feeling so sad at n out seeing my dc's an extra night a week from next week.

HumblePieMonster Tue 09-Dec-14 17:28:37

Really, well done.

Lioninthesun Tue 09-Dec-14 17:38:25

I think you were in a vulnerable position - having just had a lovely half a year single and getting stronger you thought you were in a good place to re-try a relationship. I think if you had had another 6 months or more you would probably have seen through him sooner. I am very glad you got out when you did though, it can take years for some people! You should be proud that you spotted the signs and acted before he could hurt you or your children with his behaviour! I still look back at ex and shudder, but feel glad I got rid and am now happily single and much stronger for it smile Forgive yourself, learn from it and get on with having an amazing Christmas with your kids grin

something2say Tue 09-Dec-14 17:50:23

I think it is sad when things end, so being in tears is normal.

But it would have been worse had you carried on.

Best thing to do is have that cry and then get up and get busy with something else.

RaspberryBeret34 Tue 09-Dec-14 18:00:21

You definitely did the right thing but you have every right to feel sad about it (especially with it being Christmas and your DC spending more time with their Dad).

I've ended 2 relationships since the end of my marriage and know it was the right thing to do but felt very very sad at the time. I found it helped to make a list of the things they had done that lead to that point or ways we were incompatible to read when I was having a wavering moment over whether I'd done the right thing. And a list of things I wanted in the future which reinforced why I could never have been with them, neither would have contributed positively to my ambitions, dreams, desires for the future.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: