This is pretty needy is'nt it? Is it a red flag?(77 Posts)
I've been dating a guy for a few months. The other day we were in his kitchen when someone mentioned the Brownies/Girl Guides on the radio and I said "Oh I loved being in the Brownies! It was one of the happiest times of my life".
My boyfriend then said, "What do you mean? Happier than now we are together?" and he seemed quite cross about it. I was abit by this outburst and asked if he was being serious. He was. I felt really uncomfortable and thought what a dickish thing to say.
What do others think?
Red flag! He is clearly not secure in your relationship. I see jealousy issues (on his part) cropping up.
You were just a child in Brownies! How is that comparable to your life now in an adult relationship?
It sounds like he's a bit insecure and wants you to feel like this time, right now, is the happiest you've ever been, and is angry at you for not saying that. Dickish.
Welcome to MN, dettol.
No, I don't think it's a red flag. Unless there's something else going on that you haven't posted about ?
We probably need a bit more insight into your relationship as it's hard to find context here.
You say 'been dating a guy a few months' then you refer to him as your boyfriend. How often do you see each other, any talk of the future etc?
I said it was one of the happiest times of my life. I think it was, I was a child, and I have really fond memories of my childhood in general at that time. I meant it more lightheartedly I suppose but its not far off the truth. Obviously it is not comparable with the birth of my DC but I did say it was 'one' of the happiest times of my life.
Hi..hmm, would make me quite any other red flags or similar comments?
It was just whimsical, off the cuff comment. I didn't expect him to get huffy about it. If someone else said something like that about their childhood - a seaside holiday perhaps - I wouldn't think anything of it tbh.
We've been going out a few months, had the conversation about calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend etc. I do have some reservations though, he does seem a bit needy in other areas like getting annoyed if I miss his call (he'll accuse me of ignoring him). He also has a thing about waking me up when he does which drives me a bit mad.
Hi yellowdettol .
I think it's fine that brownies was one of the happiest time of your life!
Why on earth does the man have to compete with that? Yes, it looks like a red flag. He wants to own your happiest moment.
You had a life with various life experiences before you met him which he has no claim over.
You have a right to reminisce about happy times in your past without him wanting to be the very best thing that ever happened to you. Sounds needy to me, and demanding. Keep your eyes open for any more of this.
Needy, probably a jelous man, likely to turn controlling. LTB.
Sounds a bit needy to me, but not enough to end it based on this incident alone.
If someone says that a time when they were a child was one of the happiest times of their life, then I always assume that they just mean they were happy and carefree and joyful in the way only kids can be. That's all! Perfectly normal thing to say.
He, on the other hand, does not sound good. People tend to sneer if you say "Well he said this. And this. And this" and explain away all individual occurrences, but it's the cumulative effect of these remarks (and logically, the type of person who would make ALL of them) that fuels the decision to split.
I'd assume he was a twat tbh. Maybe get a bit more evidence for the decision if you're feeling kind. Alternatively, for fun, try saying to him "You hurt my feelings a bit the other day, when you said that about Brownies. Just because I was happy at other times in my life doesn't necessarily mean that I'm not happy now, you know. Are you always this insecure?"
Then stand back and watch. A decent guy would look surprised and apologise, whilst a twat would either get defensive and angry or (BIG twat give-away here!) start crying and say it's just because he luffs you so much.
If he starts crying, run the fuck away!
brokenhearted55 what on earth is your problem??
Why the sneering? How bizarre!
OP - yup red flag imo. Note it. It might indicate him being jealous of anything that you enjoy other than being with him...which is scary.
Ahh, I think I would bin this one...
Exactly what folk say above about cumulative effect.
He accuses you of ignoring him if you miss his calls? Unfair. Nasty.
He likes to wake you up if he's up? Don't like that either - something very mean-minded as well as controlling about it.
I wouldn't have thought anything of the Brownies comment either! It was your childhood, you're lucky to have had a happy one.
The thing with relationships which turn bad is - usually, when the little alarm bells start ringing, they seem such trivial things. So you ignore them. You ignore them during the easy to get out phase, when actually you've invested very little, and it would be easy to go. The irony... because by the time the red flags are quite clear, usually when a nasty piece of work relaxes the good guy act and shows his true colours... well, it's a year down the line, you don't want to throw it all away, you've got a holiday booked... Much more difficult. And you end up rationalising and staying...
So, LTB. Really. The signs are not good. Moreover, they're signs you've noticed all by yourself. They really are there. But you aren't going to get 'proof' of the fact he's a bad un for a while yet, probably. It's a leap of faith - faith in keeping standards high and not settling for something which makes you uneasy - but if you get out now, the fact is you're probably saving yourself a whole heap of shit.
Just read about the missed phone calls and waking you up.
All very controlling.
I'd bin it off now.
Gets upset when you mention other times when you have been very happy (other than with him).
Gets upset if you miss his call.
Wakes you up if he wakes up.
The brownies thing is a bit weird but could be a one off.
But after what you posted after that - well, it is definitely weird that he's like that about phone calls. Now that's a red flag, it really is. The waking you up deliberately - I assume you've asked him not to? if you have and if he persists in waking you up, that's a bad sign too.
One thing is nothing. But this is looking like a pattern and that's bad news. I'd be keeping a bit of emotional distance and watching him very carefully. It would certainly be a very bad idea to entwine your life with his - living together, joined finances - that's when control issues would ramp up massively.
I also don't get the sneering from a pp. Why? It was a very unkind post and I can't think why anyone would make a point like that. Very odd.
I get what you meant by being happy at that time. I was also happy at that time - in the Brownies etc but for me that was 40 years ago! Whatever it was for you only a complete fuckwit would expect you to disregard however many intervening years to be happy ONLY about your current relationship. This behaviour would make me very uncomfortable.
It takes a particular sort of wanker to get sour and jealous about stuff that took place before you even met!
Holding happy childhood memories against you? Utter fanny.
Well charitably, he's really happy now and hoped you were too. He may also be someone who has limited memory of childhood, so finds others having strong memories surprising.
All in all, sounds very self-absorbed, needy and a big PITA though.
A bit different, but I was once walking along having a jokey conversation with an ex about whether we could put on a fake accent (which I can't) and having a go at a few of my crap regional accents. As you do. I then added that I often find myself slipping into other people's accents if I'm around them for long enough, because I had different family all over the country as a kid and would slip into geordie/scouse/etc depending on which cousins I was copying and it sort of happens now albeit to a lesser extent... Anyway... he turned to me really seriously and calmly stated that mimicking other people's accent is a sign of high insecurity
I have since found evidence that suggests otherwise Then he got right in my face and started in this mocking-tone "oooh... didn't mummy and daddy love you enough when you were little... didn't they give you the attention you needed... oooh... maybe that's where your issues stem from...?!?" and well he just went on and on and on and on about my "issues" (for a good 5-10 minutes in the middle of a car park) and I stood there open-mouthed and trying not to punch him
So I had also made an off-the-cuff comment that I felt like he massively overreacted to. And that was it really. Relationship over. Not immediately as I couldn't quite believe it/work it out at first, but it was definitely that moment when I realised we weren't 'meant to be'.
I also now realise that he was the insecure one, not me. Sounds like your boyfriend is too if he can jump on a comment about Brownies (regardless of whether or not others think Brownies is worthy of "best moment" status) in the way he did. If this feels like one of a few 'niggles' that are telling you something's not quite right, then I'd call it a day.
Beware of patterns of behaviour.
Any one of those things could be an irritant/mild nobbishness/quirk. So it's easy to try and ignore them.
But when several irritant/nobbish/quirky things keep happening, it's a pattern, and it's a pattern that shows you something about that person's attitudes or personality. And how life will be with them.
At best, he is very very needy. Are you going to be able to cope with that in a long term/lifelong relationship?
Hopefully people aren't so scathing about the things that make you happy, brokenhearted55a.
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