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Realised I no longer want to marry passive aggressive, gaslighting, cold DP

(78 Posts)
Bogwasher Tue 09-Dec-14 14:22:30

Last night he said to me, calmly and thoughtfully -

"we're not a family so I don't think you should think of us as one. We're a couple, you have your kids, I have mine so we're a unit - but we're not a family and never will be."

Reflecting back, this has hurt me more than I thought it did at the time. So him and his ex and his kids were a family then and he'll never regard me in the same light?

We're engaged to be married. What kind of a marriage is without family?

It's got me thinking about the way he is in general. He never gives a thought to me - never buys me anything, never suprises me with anything, never suggests a quick jolly down to the pub or an evening out at the cinema - never takes me for a meal unless I instigate it. I'm even having to plan my own birthday. For christmas I've bought him a present which I think he'll like. He's since told me that he'll buy a load of computer parts and that can be his present from me. My present from him is a coat, which I desperately needed now - picked out and bought myself and as far as he's concerned that's him done with my present now. No effort whatsoever.

Apart from this his attitude towards everything is wearing me down. He accuses me of not being interesting in his work (I always show an interest) or his kids (difficult when he insists on keeping everything to do with them deadly private). His gaslighting is driving me insane. The other night we argued because I suggested something and he insisted that I meant something entirely different. Even though I told him over and over again that he'd got it wrong he rehashed the same point over and over again about something that I didn't say nor mean. He's not stupid, he MUST have known what I meant but he specifically chose NOT to understand. At one point he stopped and said "oh, so you meant X, Y and Z?" hooray I thought! "yes! that's exactly what I meant!!" I reply. He said "oh well in that case I agree with you" confused but that's what I'd been saying all along! ... anyway a few more things were said and then he started going on and on about the thing that I DIDN'T say again and when I pointed out that a minute ago he understood and agreed with me he got more angry and denied it had ever happened! To this present he STILL insists that it never happened and is continuing to purposely misunderstand what I said.

He has now decided that I have been trying to stop him speaking to his kids and gave a scenario to prove it. I said "that never happened!!" - for a while he insisted that it did but then said "I know it didn't happen, I'm just giving a hypothetical scenario ... " ????? wtf??? he then went back to saying that it HAD happened.

He blames other people for EVERYTHING. He agrees to do stuff for people (me, his mum, his kids whatever) and then throws it back in their face (well no, he throws all of it in MY face as he wouldn't risk upsetting his mum or kids) saying that he's always expected to run around after everyone.

He makes a big point of saying "right that's it, I'm not listening to you anymore, if I want to go to my kids' college events and see how they're getting on I will do." - I have NEVER stopped him doing stuff like this, he just doesn't bother and then either blames me or his ex.

A few months ago he told me that he thought his 18 year old should at least try and get a saturday job. I agreed with him. Last night he spouted out "I'm sick of you slagging off my son! what's it got to do with you if he works or not??" confused I reminded him that it was HIM who said those things ... he outright denies this and says it was me and he just agreed with me as I've brainwashed him against his own kids.

It's mentally crumbling me.

notapizzaeater Tue 09-Dec-14 14:25:45

When are yiu getting married ? Do you want to get married ?

GoatsDoRoam Tue 09-Dec-14 14:25:58

Congratulations on your realisation!

And congratulations on not already having married the gaslighting man. May your future without him be bright.

You can indeed end a relationship whenever you want, for any reason you want. You do not need his or anyone else's blessing.

Bogwasher Tue 09-Dec-14 14:27:11

We are getting married in 2016 (plenty of time to call it off and anyway, he's put zero effort into that either so it's not as if anything is actually planned.

I do want to get married. But not to him sad

ptumbi Tue 09-Dec-14 14:28:32

Well I bet that felt better!

Well done. Agree wholeheartedly. Don't marry him, or anyone like him.

Do you live together?

Quitelikely Tue 09-Dec-14 14:29:05

Please please do not marry this man. He seems like a nasty piece of work and he's dragging you down.

I'm not saying LTB because I know that it takes time to come to terms with when you realise it's all going wrong.

Stay strong, detach and plan your escape route. Don't let him such you back in either. He is who he is and he will always have his nasty streak. And that nastiness will be ready and waiting for you any time you need putting back in your place.

I would like to see his face when you tell him you're leaving!

Horror of a man.

Why was he divorced?

LegoAdventCalendar Tue 09-Dec-14 14:29:39

Jesus wept! Get RID of this abusive twat. Do you live together? This person is a dick.

RandomMess Tue 09-Dec-14 14:29:42

Run for the hills, how quickly can you start living separately?

badbaldingballerina123 Tue 09-Dec-14 14:30:17

I'm not surprised , he sounds really abusive.

Regardless of what happens in the meantime I wouldn't react to his stupid gaslighting under any circumstances. He knows who said what and when. Defending yourself to him is a reward in his eyes and the prize he wants.

MatildaTheRedNosedReinCat Tue 09-Dec-14 14:30:21

I can't really imagine why you would even consider marrying him. He sounds awful.

Run,run and run some more. Honestly, the relief of not dealing with this crap will be wonderful.

strongandlong Tue 09-Dec-14 14:30:34

He sounds horrible. Well done for realising what's going on before it's too late.

Do you have a plan for getting away from him?


FishWithABicycle Tue 09-Dec-14 14:31:47

Well done for realising this.

Don't get married to him. Life is too short to spend it tied to someone who makes you miserable.

Bogwasher Tue 09-Dec-14 14:32:01

His ex wife divorced him for emotional, verbal and financial abuse along with being controlling and one incidence of domestic violence (in which he kicked her off the bed).

He admits to the violence bit saying she was going on and on at him and had hit him and he lost it and shoved her off the bed with his foot.

He denies the rest of it but I believe her.

worldgonecrazy Tue 09-Dec-14 14:32:24

Well done for realising this before you got married, and for not thinking that marriage will fix all the problems in your relationship.

Good luck for the future - there is someone out there worthy of you.

ptumbi Tue 09-Dec-14 14:34:34

His ex wife divorced him for emotional, verbal and financial abuse along with being controlling and one incidence of domestic violence (in which he kicked her off the bed). Hmm. What a catch.

Time to chuck him back in the slimepit you found him in.

Bogwasher Tue 09-Dec-14 14:34:35

I have a small amount of money saved and could in theory leave now but it would be a financial and practical nightmare and could well mess up my career (as I'm studying for a degree and am already on my last chance so moving out now would push me over the edge). I start a new job in September next year. If I left then, it would be so easy.

Longdistance Tue 09-Dec-14 14:34:39

Gosh, he sounds exhausting to be with.

I'd call it a day completely if I were you. Everything is about him. What he wants/needs. Me, me,me, me, me...

PlumpingUpPartridge Tue 09-Dec-14 14:35:10

I read the first 6 lines of your op. That'll do.

Please get rid.

I broke up with a partner 6 months before we were due to get married; I can guarantee you that every day it will get harder to call off as you get closer and closer to that fateful day. Do it sooner rather than later.

And FWIW, I have never regretted the decision.

CarbeDiem Tue 09-Dec-14 14:36:01

Congratulations for seeing the light.
You can and will do so much better.

Levantine Tue 09-Dec-14 14:36:35

Brilliant that you realised! Now you need to make your plan

ouryve Tue 09-Dec-14 14:37:06

Good grief, you'd be well rid. Even before you get anywhere near the headfuckery and gaslighting, his habit of always blaming people for things is a massive red flag with twinkly red lights. You can guarantee that when he's not doing that to you, he's doing it about you.

ouryve Tue 09-Dec-14 14:39:48

His ex wife divorced him for emotional, verbal and financial abuse along with being controlling and one incidence of domestic violence (in which he kicked her off the bed).

Oh, he gets better. sad

Be thankful that he's shown you how this is all him and not her long before you were planning to get hitched.

FreakinScaryCaaw Tue 09-Dec-14 14:41:24

My goodness he sounds awful.

How did he propose? I'm amazed you said yes!

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 09-Dec-14 14:42:05

Where on earth did you find this man?. I daresay he deliberately targeted you as well by being Mr Charm Personified and lovebombed you in the early days.

He needs to be gone from your life as of now, certainly not next September. Waiting until next September just gives him more time and opportunity to abuse you and by turn your children; your already low self esteem and worth will be that much lower by the time that month comes around. And you may well find an excuse then not to leave.

I would also suggest that you now look at Womens Aid Freedom Programme as such men like this one do take a lot of time and effort to recover from.

ouryve Tue 09-Dec-14 14:42:26

I don't think you should spend another 10 months with him, though. That's long enough for him to get cocky enough to push you off a bed, or down the stairs, or through a window - which he's likely to do as soon as he's noticed that you've detached.

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