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Getting over an intense relationship/friendship.

(11 Posts)
ImaginaryPoster Tue 09-Dec-14 11:51:01

Towards the end of summer I rekindled a friendship with a guy I knew in my teens.

He has always been the whirlwind type personality that completely consumes your life. I was weary of this and when the friendship turned into dating I tried to be careful of this.
He still managed to get to the point of being the first and last person I spoke to and though out the day. He was a constant presence in my life even though due to my DCs our contact was mainly through text/phone and rarely physically with each other. I always felt compelled to respond to him, even when not convenient for me to.

Any time away from DC (I have respite care for DS) he managed to take control of and always be with me. This conbined with the realisation that he was using the FB chat to check when I was home and/or online, I decided to cut contact.

I emailed to explain the intensity had made me realise I want to be alone and focus on DC, so I was stepping back from him. The intensity cooled briefly but started to increase again so I messaged him to say this still wasn't working for me and I deleted him from FB and blocked his calls and text. This was the only way I could see working, a clean break. He's so likable he would have slowly worked his way back in. He hasn't contacted me since the weekend when I did it.

Even without the intensity I wasn't looking for a relationship and cant see one with my life as it is at the moment. But I've found myself regretting the desision, even though it could never have worked out and I dont want that type of person in my life. I've gone from everyday having contact with him to nothing, which was intentional but it still leaves me feeling empty. I find myself feeling lost.

mrscumberbatch Tue 09-Dec-14 11:56:03

Sorry, did you mean to cut contact for a reason or just because you felt he was taking up too much of your time?

Do you enjoy his company or not?

HumblePieMonster Tue 09-Dec-14 11:59:44

You made a sensible decision. Stick to it.

CogitOIOIO Tue 09-Dec-14 12:07:31

If you're lonely, that's the thing to correct. Full-on people do tend to monopolise your time and make it difficult to do anything else, but they instant companionship.... albeit suffocating in the end. So the gap left behind when you give them the sack is just something you have to make a big effort to fill. And that takes time so be realistic, hold out on the NC and good luck

ImaginaryPoster Tue 09-Dec-14 12:08:54

I cut contact because although I did enjoy his company I found his approach overwhelming.

He would steamroller my plans in favour of his as soon as I was without DCs. If I told him I wouldn't be free to chat this evening he would wait for the second I logged on to FB to ring the house line etc. I felt smothered by him.

collett Tue 09-Dec-14 12:15:29

I've name-changed for this.

Earlier this year I became embroiled in an emotional whirlwind of a relationship in circumstances similar to yours. I also (finally) broke it off in September and have been no-contact since, or at least absolute minimal contact - unfortunately I have to see him every day but I exchange minimial civilities and there is now zero texting/phone calls. I'm lucky in that he has respected me enough to stick to this.

Initially I felt relieved that it was all over (the relationship was wrong on many levels which I won't go into here) and felt glad to get my life back. Once the inital relief wore off, however, I found myself feeling terribly empty and lonely. I missed being desired and wanted and I missed the all-day, every-day conversations and, if I'm honest with myself, the excitement of an intense relationship and the intoxicating nature of it all.

I've realised however that it would ultimately have been fatal for my mental health, emotional wellbeing and self-respect to have continued to be involved in such a full-on, fraught and intense relationship. I've thrown myself into other things (work, friends, socialising, hobbies) in an effort to move on. It's been bloody hard and I'm not there yet, but it is definitely the only way to go for my sanity.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I totally understand how you feel, and it feels awful right now. But if you stick with the decision you've made (which is undoubtedly the right one for you and your kids) you'll come out the other side and feel nothing but relief. That's what I'm ultimately hoping to feel anyway, and I'm getting there.

GarlicGiftsAndGlitter Tue 09-Dec-14 13:47:51

Yes, you're both right, collett and IP. Space invaders aren't capable of light, easy-going friendship, and don't recognise other people's boundaries. It does leave you feeling bereft for a while - much like the way your house feels all empty & bland after you've taken the Christmas decorations down!

It might help to consciously explore all the corners of your own life, which you lost sight of while the invader was blocking your view. Do more of the things you really love doing. Keep an eye open for new opportunities you might enjoy, which might bring you into contact with new people. Spread yourself out fsmile

Languidstine Tue 09-Dec-14 20:31:31

Garlick

Don't be harsh on the guy, OP contacted him. Why, if not to experience the whirlwind excitement? Happened to me once and I was more than happy when the woman involved realised the escalation and put a stop to it.

Meerka Tue 09-Dec-14 20:37:38

sometimes you walk into the sea to enjoy the feeling of the slight current tugging at you. You don't expect to be swept off by a riptide.

Contacting someone is usually cue for a catch up and nice chat and maybe a laid back re-estabilished friendship. It sounds like this was more like her being completely drowns - he was the first thing in the morning, last thing at night and all the free time in between.

And his plans came above hers, regularly from the sound of it.

there was no sense of proportion.

GarlicGiftsAndGlitter Wed 10-Dec-14 10:33:13

What a lovely metaphor, Meerka.

Catbadger Wed 10-Dec-14 19:26:35

This has been a timely thread for me to read as I am feeling sad and glum having ended.... But not wholly managed to kill off... A smothering intense relationship. I am contacting all my friends and striving to fill my calendar as much as poss and planning some solo treats. It is hard though.

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