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absent brother contact after 12years.(long)

(18 Posts)
annielostit Tue 09-Dec-14 08:04:07

My brother has text me after years of absence.
18 years before I got divorced as my ex had a relationship with my sister ( still on). My brother obviously flipped.
Years on he adopted a child but had an issue that he believed my parents didn't love his child like the biological ones.
He and his family walked out and I only saw him once since.
He's been in contact with a family member and has now txted saying his son wants to meet me & my son.
I feel hurt that's its all about them. His wife has blanked me more than once in passing and each time it throws up all the sadness.
There's always 2 constants in my life him and my dad - I feel lost and it would be unfair to my parents to contact him. They supported me through everything.
I don't see how things can be happy families all of a sudden.
Sorry its long.x

Lostriver Tue 09-Dec-14 08:11:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl Tue 09-Dec-14 08:24:46

Why did he stop contact with you?

Did he have a point about your parents & his child?

Beangarda Tue 09-Dec-14 08:32:30

Do you actually want to see him?

I'd be very surprised if he thought everyone could revert to 'playing happy families', but there's no indication he thinks anything other than that it would be good for his son to meet his cousin, is there?

As regards your feelings of disloyalty to your parents should you meet him - do you honestly think they would prefer the family remain so fractured? And is there any truth to his accusation that his son was treated differently to biological grandchildren?

diddl Tue 09-Dec-14 08:38:10

So did he force you to choose your parents or him?

Quitelikely Tue 09-Dec-14 09:05:37

Sorry I can't understand your post!

Your brother fell out with you because your ex husband started dating your sister. Is that right?

CogitOIOIO Tue 09-Dec-14 09:16:19

His relationship with your parents is his business. Would meeting him really be so disloyal to your parents? I don't quite understand the remark that it's 'all about them' to ask to meet up. There is such a thing as an olive branch and, ten years on, he's hardly been pestering you for contact

Is the real problem that your brother and his wife are unpleasant people that you don't want to be around?

LittleRedRidingHoodie Tue 09-Dec-14 09:21:42

I don't understand the original post either - can't work out the reason for the rift. If you don't want to see him, don't. End of angst.

Lostriver Tue 09-Dec-14 09:32:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

annielostit Tue 09-Dec-14 09:34:33

Quitelikely - he couldn't believe that my sister had the relationship with my ex, so didn't speak with her, then the family/adopted child issue caused another argument.

Diddi ,- there wasn't any issue with preferring one child to another, my parents welcomed any child step,adopted whatever into the family.

I think his wife is 'stuck up' she always was. I can't see how we all fit into the picture.
He didn't force a choice between parents or him, just stopped all contact.
I do think if he is ready to move on he should do it with everyone, not just pick and choose which.
Lostriver- I know what you mean about it might be an excuse,, why can't people just say what they mean. I'm too honest with my feelings and have to say what I feel.

Miggsie Tue 09-Dec-14 09:41:44

Perhaps speaking to you is the best option for him to start renewing ties with his family?
If you were previously close he may want your advice. He may have blanked the family because his wife did and now he feels this is wrong and he feels you might be the most welcoming?

Sounds like a lot was left unresolved and maybe you should meet him somewhere neutral and see what he has to say.

diddl Tue 09-Dec-14 09:44:02

So he stopped contact & presumably didn't respond when you made contact?

I don't agree that it would be disrespectful to your parents.

Although you think that his child was treated the same, he doesn't.

If you would like the cousins to meet, could you agree to that & make sure that it is just that?

Are you interested in meeting your brother again?

bouncinbean Tue 09-Dec-14 09:49:43

In your position I would want to have a conversation with him before agreeing to any meeting of the children with each other - to understand exactly what has changed and prompted this change of heart and what his expectations are regarding such a meeting. I'd make it clear that I wouldn't be making a decision on that phone call but that based on that you will need some time to have a think about it before you can decide what you want to do in the best interests of your own family.
This gives an opening if he genuinely wants to build bridges and repair the connection but equally if you feel that its not that kind of situation you can keep the door closed.

misskangaandroo2014 Tue 09-Dec-14 10:11:39

Arranging to meet only him, or having a conversation by email about what has happened and what (he feels) has changed might be a step to take. It shows willing but gives him a chance to recognise that his actions make you wary.

Italiangreyhound Tue 09-Dec-14 10:37:04

annielostit you've asked for advice so here is what I would do....

(assuming there is no other issue not mentioned in your post)

rush to make friends again with my brother, to put the past behind us and to move on. I would want my child to know their cousin and I would make efforts to build the bridges between us, regardless of the last few years.

This is because life is too short and your original reasons for falling out don't seem particularly huge (IMHO).

If your brother wishes to build bridges with his parents or further family members he will but if not, let it be. It is not disloyal to see your brother and nephew and to let your child/ren know their cousin.

You say

...there wasn't any issue with preferring one child to another, my parents welcomed any child step,adopted whatever into the family.

Maybe they did but that is an issue between your brother and his/your parents. I am not sure how you can know for sure that they did because you can't know all that was said and done. I have an adopted son and maybe as an adopter I am quite sensitive about how people will treat him. But, as I also have a birth child too, dd. I know that my friends and family treat ds exactly like dd. If I only had an adopted child, I might not be able to be so sure! Just guessing.

Also, when an adopted child joins a family, as anything other than a very young baby they come in as a new 'person' trying to make relationships etc where as the existing children in the family already have ongoing relationships with granddad and grandma etc. A new baby is not expected to have quite the same 'relationship' with people IFSWIM! So whether the boy was a toddler or older it may have been a bit harder (for him, your brother and his wife) than than you realise.

You also say I think his wife is 'stuck up' she always was.

So you have views about your brother's wife which are negative, which he may or may not know about, which may or may not be true. Maybe you need to lay aside the thoughts about your brother's chosen life partner and just focus on your relationship with your brother.

What does I can't see how we all fit into the picture. mean? I am just confused?

You also said I do think if he is ready to move on he should do it with everyone, not just pick and choose which.

How can he do this, hold a big family meeting, have a big meal together? That sounds incredibly daunting after so long away from family. Maybe he will get back with everyone but he is starting with you, or maybe he just wants to be friendly with you. Either way that suggests he feels closes to you or that he feels you will be the most sympathetic to him.

And why can't people just say what they mean. I'm too honest with my feelings and have to say what I feel.

Not everyone can be honest and maybe they should not have to lay out in the open all their thoughts, especially if they feel the relationship between family members is as close as they would like it to be. Just maybe he does not know what he thinks or wants. Maybe someone close to him has been ill or died and he had realised that life is too short to hold a grudge for many years.

If you want to see him, see him.

Do not worry about the rest of the family.

If you all end up great friends you will have helped to make that happen, and if not you will have tried. Surely it is worth that.

And if not, then do not get back in touch (but that seems to me a wasted opportunity to me).

Best wishes.

Italiangreyhound Tue 09-Dec-14 10:40:38

Oh agree with bouncinbean and misskangaandroo2014 talk first before allowing kids to meet up. I would speak in person (ideally) or by phone before getting the kids involved.

Can I also ask, He and his family walked out and I only saw him once since. Did you try and make contact after the walking out and when you saw him the once were things OK between you. You do not need to answer if you do not wish to. Just trying to understand.

annielostit Tue 09-Dec-14 14:37:07

He moved house after we met up - his sons birthday. It was like he didn't want to be found.

Italiangreyhound Tue 09-Dec-14 20:14:23

Is it possible there is more to this that you do not know about annielostit? I would absolutely want to talk to him again if he were my brother, but not with kids in tow just yet.

Good luck.

Please do let us know what you decide, if you wish to.


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