Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Is it possible to forgive and forget?-Long one(35 Posts)
So, I've been married to my dh just under a year, been with him for 3 and we have a lovely 3month dd. A few weeks ago I was up in the living room doing the early morning feed and his phone went off-he'd put it under the arm of the chair. I checked it-he's police and often gets called in and it was a what's app message from a woman saying 'where you gonna do it tonight'. I scrolled back through the messages and it contained explicit messages and photos of the both of them, asking each other to masturbate ect and then sending photos. He'd done this all after I'd gone to bed with dd, shattered because the day before had been his birthday so I'd had her all day, baked him a cake, had obligatory birthday sex. I confronted him of course because this is the 2nd time its happened and he said he didn't know why he did it, was in tears because I threatened to leave. I love him so we decided to give counselling a go, well last night was our last session before January and I don't feel any better about the whole situation. I think about it nearly all the time and feel like I've hit rock bottom, my dd is the only thing keeping me going at the moment. To top it all off his mother has been sending him horrible messages about me on Facebook and he's not said one word in my defence. I guess what I'm asking is what would you do? Stay because you love him and he makes you happy when he's not pulling stunts like this, or leave because it's destroying you?
Sorry, but leave he is clearly destroying you. How dare his other send messages about you, what is she saying? Does she know what her previous solider has been up to.
The sooner he goes, which he should not you the better.
And never again have obligatory sex with anyone.
For you and such a young child.
Why is his mother being horrible about you?!
Have you raised in counselling his mother's messages and his lack of support for you regarding them? I think it's pretty crucial.
He sounds as if he needs a lot more personal therapy.
God the problems with his mother started as soon as we announced the engagement, I'm a bitch for taking him away from her, I'm just with him for the money, my daughters a bastard as we weren't married when she was conceived and I deliberately got pregnant to trap him, he put a picture on Facebook the other day of dd and she messaged him telling me to get off my fat arse and tidy up cuz the place was a pigsty-only a nappy in the background as I'd just changed her.....The list goes on. It was raised in counselling and I made it clear he needs to put his foot down,she'll always be his mother but he made his wedding vows to me ect but so far that hasn't happened, he's still yes mummy no mummy -.-
Well it looks lime you forgave and forgot once.
He decided you were a mug and did it again.
He has zero respect for you.
You won't be able to forgive and forget again.
You can stay with him in the knowledge he will do this again.
Or throw in his shitty mother and lack of supporting you carve a decent life alone for yourslef and DC.
If she calls your DD a bastard and he doesn't pull her up on this alone, let alienated other nasty stuff, you have a major problem right there.
That, and the lies and the nature of the online cheating, suggest a very flawed man, and I wouldn't want to be tied to life with him.
It sounds, frankly, horrible.
Is it possible to forgive and forget?
Yes but why should you? He's clearly not treating you as you deserve.
Wwid? LTB! In a heart beat.
Had obligatory birthday sex? You're three years in. That's a bad sign. No sex should be obligatory ever. And three years in I think you should still be enjoying sex.
He's not good for you or your DD.
'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me'
If you keep letting him get away with this, he's not going to see it as you repairing the relationship, forgiving and forgetting, he's going to treat it as carte blanche to keep screwing around.
Don't be a fool.
I think it is possible to forgive and forget after a lot of hard work on both sides. I think it takes a lot longer than you think to do this and it does require huge commitment from both sides but possibly more from the wronged side (you can't just stop feeling hurt)
However you can't forgive and forget several times. You're just faking then.
Even if you could...he obviously can't stop it.
The issue with his mother is a whole separate horror. He obviously does not treasure you enough.
Leave him and be happy.
nothing is going to change unless you make it so.
tell him to get out. today.
the obligatory sex line jarred with me too
it's not supposed to be like this, not at all.
hhis dm is a disgrace, and he is a wanker. literally.
what's in this relationship for you?
get him to leave, send him home to mummy and tell him to enjoy wanking off to randoms, cos with him like that, a mother like his, he should be kissing the ground you walk on, as no other fucking idiot would have put up with this shit.
stay strong, HE needs to buck his ideas up and see what he's going to lose if he doesn't get his dick out of his hands and his dm in check.
"Obligatory birthday sex" with a man who you've given the "obligatory forgiveness and second chance"?
Some of the messages on here are unnecessarily cruel. You aren't a mug, or a fool, you are someone with a very young baby who is feeling their life is spiralling out of control. Many would try and cling on their marriage in those circumstances.
However he has done nothing to show you he will remain faithful, and everything to show you he won't. He doesn't support you emotionally. He doesn't back you up against his DM's insults. He expects you to have sex even when you might not feel like it
You are worth more than this. The very best thing you can do for yourself, your dd and your long term happiness is kick him out. It'll be a weight off your mind, and you will in time look back and compare how free you feel without him to the sinking miserable feeling you are feeling with him.
What hissy said!
My exh used to watch porn when I'd gone to bed similar to yours, I still hate him for it today - literally, what a wanker. I'd have to move on.sorry.xxx
I apologise, obligatory was the wrong word to use, I meant it as birthday sex is just a thing everyone seems to do-until all this came out we had a good sex life. I do think he can change and this is the first time we've done something proactive about it, last time I just told him it was out of line and left it there as I was pregnant at the time and terrified of being a single mum(still am tbh). His mummy issues are deep rooted, she's manipulative and abusive and he will be starting therapy for that in the new year. It's really difficult, on one hand I love him to bits and day to day he's great and he's an amazing dad but on the other hand he does shit like this. I'm completely dependant on him financially, I left my job and family to move with him on this posting so that's playing on my mind aswell. I'm terrified of being on my own, pathetic as that is
It's not pathetic to be worried about life as a lone parent, especially when you're financially dependent on someone and far from family. But the answer is not to cling onto a bad husband. You need support... moral, physical, financial... and you need information rather than making assumptions that the opposite of what you have now is to be out in the cold.
Ask him to leave while you get that information. Talk to your family. See a lawyer. Take your time.
I don't think anyone was getting at you for the "obligatory" comment, but challenging the fact that you think you should have to have sex with anyone for any reason.
This one is not a keeper. Your MIL is never going to change. Get out of there now and be happy.
OP - All the reasons you list to justify staying are in fact the reasons you need to leave.
Your absolute twat of a partner knows those reasons too. He is relying on your dependence on him to get away with treating you like shit. As long as those circumstances keep you bound to him, he has no reason to change. It doesn't sound like he will ever change to be honest.
Please get in touch with a solicitor - many do 30 minutes free consultations. Get in touch with your family. Make plans.
You have two options: The option of knowing your future. And knowing it's not great. With a husband who will cheat on you, a MIL who will disrespect you with no defense from anyone, and setting up your child with the idea of this is how relationships should be.
Or you have the option of the unknown. But at least it's a future that you have a say in, and control over. Where you get to call the shots, and not be undermined, betrayed, bitched about. The unknown is always scary - especially when you've been totally dependent on someone else. But scary doesn't mean it will be bad.
What would I do?
Launch him right out of my life. You deserve better than this indequate cheater.
he has demonstrated to you that he will never stop, simply try to hide it better but he didn't even have enough respect for you to attempt that
I think the word obligatory was telling, perhaps more so than you intended it to be.
You certainly don't seem to have any joy/bliss in your relationship and the word seemed to sum it all up succinctly.
I do think he can change Hmm... but you have told him clearly that he is not to contact other women and wank over them.... why did he not get the hint the last time?
My love, imagine you were him. He told you that he really objected to something you were perfectly within your power to stop/control, that you know IS a deal breaker for him.
Would you stop it? for fear of losing your relationship/family etc?
You bet your ARSE you would.
he has betrayed/cheated on you with his wanking off before, the snot and tears routine is to throw you off his tail, so you back off and don't sling his revolting arse out right this second.
My love, you have been together a VERY short amount of time considering, it is a mere blip in your lives thus far and in the greater scheme of things. I can promise you that if he has no comprehension of the ways in which this wanking behaviour is totally unacceptable , despite it being the 2nd time (that you have found out) then it's not misadventure, it is out and out disrespect/contempt and lack of care/concern.
Think about what kind of man would do this to a woman. think about what you would say to your DD if she were to say to you that this was happening to her?
THEN there is his mother...
No person has any right whatsoever to speak about another in that way.
No person who chooses to do this should remain unchallenged.
Your H has not even told his DM that talking about you like this is beyond unacceptable, and he is doing NOTHING to stop this.
You MUST make a stand love, you really must. He has done this to you in a couple of years, imagine how utterly broken your soul will be by the time your DD is old enough to notice.
Stand up now, tell him to leave and not to come back until YOU say you are ready.
Bugger the plans for anything, you have to set your stall out.
basically, you WILL be defended and respected in your relationship or you won't be in that relationship.
Let me let you into a secret.... you think you are powerless right? you are not. the fact that he immediately went to the snot and tears method of deflection means that he is very much in fear of being rejected. You need to use this inside info to pull him back onside.
show him he better get used to living back at home, at best - an every other weekend father and that will be his life from now on, as no-one in their right mind would put up with a wanker who lives with a vile insulting mother. Remind him that the LAST kind of people you would ever want in your DD's life are people who think this is in anyway acceptable so if he CBA to have contact, that would suit you perfectly, and would be doing your DD a favour. Really.
You need to go in HARD here. If you opt for the don't leave me, begging him to stay stance, nothing will ever change for the better.
You have a chance to make this work, but you have to show him that there is NO negotiation.
Join the discussion
Please login first.