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Utterly confounded & confused by husband

(28 Posts)
Picnicineden Mon 08-Dec-14 22:11:23

Today he is being perfectly pleasant and normal, if a bit needy and suffering flu, and it makes me doubt my strong feeling that we should separate, and whether that would be the best thing for my children. I know it would be the best thing for me, but the children adore their daddy and my 6 year old DS especially looks to him as a role model.

To quickly condense numerous incidents over the years, he has called me 'stupid woman' because the baby was being sick on me, 'stupid fucking woman' when the baby was crying in the night, obtuse because I said we'd watched a programme before (we had) and he said we hadn't, I dress like an oap, and a sixth former and look like an old harridan, I speak too loudly, pronounce things too northernly, have no aptitude for business and am a bad writer. He throws glasses and crockery and breaks them. He ruined Christmas 2013 because I didn't know the post office opening hours. Last NY's day night he broke glass and let my son dance bare foot in it, getting glass stuck in his foot, and told my son he would take him away and find him a new mummy...I could keep going but the above will give you an idea. Most of this is drink fuelled but he's capable of making nasty comments sober too.

Last night over dinner he said he was so frustrated with me because I am so clever and talented and should be a best selling novelist by now but I don't try. He said that the courses I've done recently are a waste and a distraction and my parents are negative and don't encourage me. He was in tears, apparently, but i just kept looking at him thinking 'is it real?', because if he really wanted me to write he could look after the children while I do it but he never does.

If I try to defend myself against any accusation he says that I always make excuses and I never take responsibility. For years I have soul searched as to whether this is true of me, but now I think it's probably his way of stopping me arguing back.

I really need help to see things clearly. I know I dream of being free of him, but I worry about my children, especially my son.

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 08-Dec-14 22:14:26

Yeah he sounds like a cunt. Get rid.

Bluestocking Mon 08-Dec-14 22:15:11

The thing that leaps out is that he is a HORRIBLE role model for your son.

BiscuitMillionaire Mon 08-Dec-14 22:16:21

He told your son he would take him away and find him a new mummy? That alone is a horrible thing to say to your son, never mind you. He is NOT a good father. And it's very obvious he takes every opportunity to put you down. Let me be the first to say LTB. Your son is learning about how to relate to people from watching your H and you. Is that what you want?

You deserve better. flowers

JontyDoggle37 Mon 08-Dec-14 22:18:55

Here's the problem - if he's that good at making a woman feel rubbish, and your son idolises him, what kind of example is your son getting? And he criticises you for not progressing while being unsupportive and obstructive - sounds like someone who doesn't want you to succeed and likes you just where you are - lacking in confidence.....either you need to do some serious talking, with outside help, or leave as planned. The status quo is not making you happy and is potentially a damaging environment for your son to grow up in.

Quitelikely Mon 08-Dec-14 22:19:00


You are actually letting your son be exposed to what I would call a very serious case of Emotional Abuse. Your son will end up abusive, believe me. why is your dh so abusive? Don't tell me because I already know the answer.

What a nasty, vile man. I hate him on your behalf.

scallopsrgreat Mon 08-Dec-14 22:23:19

Tell him to fuck off OP. In fact what would he do if you did in one of his diatribes?

He is abusive. He is unlikely to change. Don't doubt yourself. Start writing down the incidents when they happen, so you can refer to them and see how often they happen.

If you leave your son will learn that women don't have to put up with this shit. He's probably learning bad lessons already. Your husband isn't a role model for him. And it's worrying that he could be. Do you want him to follow in his father's footsteps and treat his partners like this?

Oh and find a solicitor.

innerstrength100 Mon 08-Dec-14 22:24:22

Picnic my love. I am so so sorry you are going through this.

You do deserve better; you are NOT all the bad things he tells you are.

Please have hope. A healthy relationship is not like this.

How much have you considered moving on from this relationship? And where would you start? xxx

CogitOIOIO Mon 08-Dec-14 22:25:05

If you're worried about your children, please rescue them from this man. They may share his genes but they shouldn't be subjected to his behaviour.

tipsytrifle Mon 08-Dec-14 22:27:37

he broke glass and let my son dance bare foot in it, getting glass stuck in his foot, and told my son he would take him away and find him a new mummy

This sounds like something out of a horror film, never mind any novel you could dream up. So when do your plans begin - to remove this abusive man and change this dreadful situation?

You ARE seeing things clearly and it IS time to make your dream of freedom from him real. ASAP. This man is dangerous in my opinion.

Picnicineden Mon 08-Dec-14 22:27:47

Thank you, everyone. This is what I think, but what I struggle to get my head around is that he will always be part of my life, because he is my children's father, and if they spend time with him without me how do I know what he's doing/saying? But I know I have to get the strength to ask for help, tell my parents what he's like..I also just dread telling my son, and all the upheaval of probably having to sell the house and rent..but I think it has to be done and I can see a better future on the other side. I just hope my lovely boy isn't too messed up already.

cestlavielife Mon 08-Dec-14 22:28:33

Your dc have no other reference and would adore him if he was a a role model he is crap, you can see that surely ?
Get practical and make plans to separate.

bluejelly Mon 08-Dec-14 22:30:44

Jesus I got to the bit where he called you a "stupid woman" and thought LTB! How dare he speak to the mother of his children, or indeed anyone like that. And the rest is even worse.
You poor thing! No-one should be treated like that, no-one.

CogitOIOIO Mon 08-Dec-14 22:34:57

Please anticipate that you will be aiming for supervised contact after the split and start collating evidence if you can. Did your DS, for example, get hospital treatment for the cuts to his feet?

Children are thankfully resilient. Given the chance and the right help they can recover from being subjected to abuse. Please make the first move and give them the opportunity.

innerstrength100 Mon 08-Dec-14 22:37:33

Picnic I promise you, your boy will be ok and so will you. Children are very resilient. But yes, they do need positive role models, and I'm afraid your DP is NOT a positiive role model, even if he has some positive attributes.

Yes, true, he will always be part of their life. but I promise you this can be managed, and they can be introduced to other positive influences.

You do deserve better, and so does your child/children. This is very very not right.

Riverland Mon 08-Dec-14 22:40:49

So sorry you have had to deal with this, picnic. He sounds absolutely horrid and awful,awful,awful, even if today he is being 'normal'.

Get your son away from him. Get yourself away from him.

He's a mysogynist. Vile.

I don't say this sort of thing lightly. LTB

Picnicineden Mon 08-Dec-14 22:49:39

Thank you it means a lot to hear my feelings validated. I'm turning the internet off soon, but really appreciate your comments.
Also, Quitelikely, you are right in your guess sad

HumblePieMonster Mon 08-Dec-14 22:54:01

So, quite often, I tell women to ditch their partners. I extend the same invitation to you. But in your case, do it quickly. He's abusing you and your son. Get out or get him out. Quickly, but carefully.

TendonQueen Mon 08-Dec-14 22:55:55

He is no kind of role model for a child. Get your kids and yourself away from this horrible man. There are no excuses for his behaviour.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 08-Dec-14 23:11:42

I have rarely seen a clearer cut case of LTB than this one. And i have seen quite a few.

Hobbitwife001 Mon 08-Dec-14 23:57:56

He sounds like such a twunt! Get away as soon as you can lovely girl .x

Bogeyface Tue 09-Dec-14 00:20:45

Be careful.

Clear your internet history, including on your phone BUT (and this is important) only the bits that relate to what you have said here. Searches about abuse, this thread etc. To delete everything shows you are hiding something and if he gets a whiff of you taking back control then he will start looking.

Clear the option to auto log in on MN and change your password to something incomprehensible that he cant guess, nothing connected to you or him in anyway.

Then start getting your ducks in a row. Make sure you have as much paperwork as you can squirrel away without him noticing and keep it out of the house if you can. If you work then maybe there, or at a trusted friends house. Paperwork includes (but not limited to) birth certs, passports (especially the childrens), bank info, mortgage info, insurances, car ownership information.

Do you have savings? Do you have a job? What are you childcare arrangements?

I dont want to worry you but abusive men are unpredictable, more so if they are drinkers so you need to think about absolutely every single possibly outcome and try to protect yourself against it. I think it is clear that he wont leave, so you need to have an action plan. Can you afford to leave with your child and rent somewhere else? Do you have sympathetic family that could put you up for a while?

You may have to think about leaving with very little until any divorce settlement comes through, but it will be worth it. xxx

PS re access to your children. The fact that STBX stood back and watched as your child injured himself on glass that STBX had broken and didnt stop it when he could have done is reason enough to insist on supervised access at a centre. I bet if you think back, that wasnt the first time he has abused your child is it?

Bogeyface Tue 09-Dec-14 00:23:28

Oh and it goes without saying (or maybe it doesnt) that its ok to call the police if he starts ranting. All you need to say is that you are frightened for your and the DCs safety and he will be removed. Also, if DV is logged with the police then it makes it much easier to get non molestation orders if he harasses you, supervised contact for the children and legal aid for the divorce.

Picnicineden Tue 09-Dec-14 21:15:31

I hardly get time to be on here without children/husband around.
We didn't go to hospital for the glass stuck in my son's foot, we didn't realise until a day or two later because it was just a tiny bit, and my friend who is a first aider looked at it instead, although I didn't give her the full details of how it happened.
I don't work very often, as I have a casual contract and can only work when husband is free to look after the children. Unfortunately I don't earn more than the cost of child care and have no family near by. My family are lovely and would be supportive if they knew, but they live in another part of the country about 5 hours away. I've got good friends but don't get much time to talk without children listening. I'm also doing an evening course once a week and only have my husband to look after the children then.
I'm not sure what my first step needs to be. I visited the CAB for advice in the summer, when husband told me he wanted a divorce a few days before our 18m DD was due to go for a major operation in a London hospital. At the time I just wanted to focus on my daughter and my son and the hospital stay but CAB said when I was ready I could have half an hour with a Solicitor free through them. As it happened the op got delayed due to abnormal blood test results and only happened a few weeks ago. So I feel I've been putting the issue off all this time, and now of course, I'm thinking, wait until after Christmas!
Husband has seemingly forgotten about wanting to leave me. I think it's something he says from time to time to attention seek, or distract himself, but he won't actually follow through unless I take the initiative to make sure it happens.

Quitelikely Tue 09-Dec-14 21:51:28


Please tell your family what this man is like. Talk to them. Hear what they say.

Would you consider moving back near your family? You would be surprised how happy children feel once they are away from their abusive environment, even when that includes making sacrifices such as a new school etc

Don't stay. Keep talking to us. Lots of folk here have brilliant advice for someone in your situation.

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