Had Enough Of In Laws!(15 Posts)
My in laws treat me and my family like non entities, including their son/my partner and I'm sick to the back teeth of it. I really saw their true colours after the birth of our first child. His mother used to call her by different names for the first twelve months of her life because she couldn't remember her name..no she doesn't have a mental illness to excuse this. I lost my older sister whilst I was 7 months pregnant as well as being extremely ill after I had my little girl, had a c section that went wrong..they offered no help whatsoever, in fact they stayed away and we didn't hear from them for months at a time. When it came to my dd first birthday I invited them to the party..it wasn't a kids, just a small family get together. They phoned two days before with a weak excuse as to why they couldn't come, my OH told them if they didn't come he would cut them off..I was furious as I didn't want them coming under duress. They came and brought my little girl a card that said 'to a friend' on the front..it was the type you get from the corner shop. Last year on her second birthday they sent her card 4 days late, and this year it was 2 days late..they said they'd put £10 in for her, but in fact they'd taken it out and never given her it.
When my little boy was born in June this year they never even came to see him, my OH dad didn't even congratulate him or ask how our little boy was doing when he phoned them to say I had given birth. It was two weeks before they saw him and that was only because my OH took him up to see them. They live approx 5 mile away from us and have their own transport so it's not as if they're house bound. I used to really try with them, inviting them down for meals, always bought all their birthday, xmas cards etc..despite them never buying me one in all the years we've been together.
The problem now is my little boys christening which we plan to have in the new year, I don't want them there..I've totally had enough of his family behaving like they do with us. These stories are only the tip of the iceberg on the stuff they've done to us..I'd be here all night typing out if I were to tell you everything! My OH knows they treat us all badly but his excuse is, he's used to it because they've always treated him that way...well I'm not having my kids being treated this way. They don't treat his brother and his kid like crap so why us. I'm at total breaking point, to the degree that I'm questioning my relationship with my OH. I was so angry when it was our little girls birthday a couple of weeks ago that I told him to pack his bags and go live with his scumbag family. Am I being unreasonable by not wanting them at our ds christening?
YANBU not at all. I cannot understand why you have kept contacting them to be honest.
Tell him you have very good reasons for not wanting them at the christening but if he wants to have a relationship with them himself, without you, he is welcome.
Don't tell them when it is, or anything any more. Win win.
Why are you falling out with your OH over this? They are being just as awful to him.
They're clearly not interested in behaving like family so I'd just leave them to it. Does your OH want them invited to the christening? Perhaps a compromise might be to invite them but treat them like any other acquaintance rather than guests of honour. Would it work if you tone down your expectations of them and don't treat them like family but distant acquaintances?
Wow. I can't believe these people. I also can't believe your dh thinks that they are normal!
I feel as though their actions toward you all are designed to cause hurt and upset. I really couldn't tolerate this.
If you can't ban them maybe you should think about challenging some of their behaviours towards you as and when they occur, like right on the spot.
I refuse to go to their houses anymore. I told the OH I didn't want them coming and he said ok but we don't tell them..what makes it awkward though is I get on really well with his nana and aunt who are lovely and really good to us and I do want them two to come, but they're his dads mum/sister. It's just his mum, dad, brother and sister in law that treat us this way..in fact, his sister in law at one point was also lovely and she used to stick up for us, but even she has changed..I know his brother had input on that score. If I had it my way, they would get it both barrels..I'm very fiery and speak my mind, but for my OH I've kept my mouth shut.
It's as if my OH is craving love and attention from people he is never going to receive it from, or ever has for that matter. His brother once asked their mother if she loved my OH...I think that speaks volumes really. I'm falling out with my OH because I feel like he's no loyalty to me or his children by allowing his family to treat them this way.
Invite the Nana and aunt to the christening. Don't invite anyone else from his family. Don't say anything to them, just don't invite.
If they ask, say "this is a get together for close friends only." Or don't bother picking up the phone.
Don't engage with them in the future.
He says we can't invite them and not the others as it'll cause too much trouble...looks like only his uncle will be coming, he doesn't speak to non of his family apart from my OH so all's good on that score. Can't say I'll miss them. When it was our dd christening they came to the service and then the venue after for 40 minutes to stuff their faces then went home..taking his nana and aunt with them as it was their only transport. His nan and aunt apologized to me after for going so early..they point blank said it was his mother and fathers doing, poor buggers were really embarrassed. I told them not to blame themselves for in laws disgusting behavior.
"It's as if my OH is craving love and attention from people he is never going to receive it from, or ever has for that matter"
This is precisely the crux of it and he may well keep on going back for more. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and his assigned role here is scapegoat for all their inherent ills.
It is NOT his fault or yours that they are the ways they are; their own birth families did that lot of damage to them.
I can understand why you tried with them mainly because you likely come from an emotionally healthy family of origin. You have now seen all too clearly they are not emotionally healthy on any levels. I sincerely hope you do not send any of his family cards and stuff anymore because its not appreciated and they see all that as you crawling, are above yourself and or being a mug.
Your man is very much still in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) with regards to them and still seeks their approval even now. He may also hope on some level that they will still change. I would be giving him a copy of "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward to read.
Will he consider counselling?. He really needs to find someone who has no bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.
These people do not deserve to have any of you in your lives because they cannot behave at all decently. The "normal" rule book of familial interactions goes out the window when it comes to dysfunctional families because they never ever play by the rules. They also do not apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.
They sound utterly indifferent and agreed, you should treat them with utter indifference back. What's the point of this cruel charade of a 'family'?
I think you've put your finger on it It's as if my OH is craving love and attention from people he is never going to receive it from.
Have you spoken to your OH and told him that you feel he's putting them above you by this appeasement behaviour of his?
What would happen if you sent invites to the nan and aunt and not to everyone else? would he actually send them himself?
(In your shoes I might be tempted to send a last message to the used-to-be-lovely SIL explaining that you feel she saw things as they were, and you appreciate that. That you see she's in a difficult position and that you're not sure what's been said about you, but that you appreciated her neutrality and wish her well. Mind you, it might be a bad idea. But for someone to stick up against the prevailing current for a time is quite brave of them).
I don't see why you would question your relationship with your OH over this?
It looks like he has the attitude of ignoring them if they do something horrible, but not necessarily make a fuss out of cutting them off?
I.e. send them an invite to the christening, don't remind, don't chase, if they ring with excuses say "ok", don't make a fuss out of them not being there or not caring, concentrate on the people who do care.
Let your OH ignore them, he's not exactly defending them, and you equally ignore them. Who cares about late cards? Timely cards wouldn't matter, they are still clearly horrible people.
My family very much don't give a shit, and my OH's family are full on and a BIG family. We deal with mine (and my narc dad) with "if they bother with us, whatever, if they don't, whatever"
Yes, your OH has a dysfunctional relationship with his family. It will continue to cause you and your DC misery, and put a strain on your marriage, if he is unable to face up to it and address it.
I suggest that you read "Toxic In-Laws" by Susan Forward.
Not at all unreasonable not to invite them.
Attilla and Meerka have it spot on.
I personally would step away from these people. Don't enage with them. They seem to only turn up to things, send presents etc, as and when it suits them. As they appear to bring nothing to your life then choose to have a life without them. Your oh is clearly conflicted. He's given them an ultimatum once, but also says they're always the same so must just be tolerated.
You can't change them, you can't change your oh's relationship with them. However, you can change your relationship with them, and protect your dc at the same time. Leave all communication with them to your oh. Don't go anywhere you don't want to. Expect nothing from them and you won't be disappointed.Your oh can have whatever contact he wants with his parents, but it doesn't have to involve you.
I would tell your oh exactly how you feel. Try and stay calm and try not to make too many digs at his parents (very hard I know). Just say the bottom line is protecting your family unit, and that includes you not falling out with him over this. Stay in touch with the nanna and the aunt, they sound like they've got your in laws sussed. Try not to discuss the situation with them however, or else it just escalates into a big family "thing".
Also, limiting or going no contact in person also applies to doing the same thing in your mind. Every time you find yourself starting to think about these people, divert your attention to something else. It helps initially to talk it out of your system, but after a while it helps to reign it in. Sometimes when it's overwhelming just physically shrink them in your mind. I like to see mine as two tiny people shouting from the bottom of a well. I can't hear them and glide off................... .
I agree that they are not worth bothering about, especially as they do not seem all that bothered about you. The old saying is 'you can choose your friends not your family'. How true.
In similar circumstances, with different family members, we have always taken the stance of inviting them and letting them choose to come or not. We always are politely welcoming if they turned up at the events.
You may find it is held against you if you don't invite them. No easy answer, good luck.
Please DO push your DH to invite the nice relatives. You might as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb, as they say.
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