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Help. Seperation, baby and custody issues.

(10 Posts)
Tobleronester Mon 08-Dec-14 21:05:28


I'm just looking for abit of advice really.

Me and my partner are on the verge of splitting up and we have a 6 month old baby. A little background information is that the pregnancy was not planned, I was on the pill, never missed one or was ill but still got caught. I will admit I was not ready for a child and our relationship was incredibly rocky, however my partner was adament we had the baby. He was also the one who insisted we moved in together very early on in the relationship and I openly admit I was quite easily led and railroaded into the situation.

Throughout the pregnancy I struggled alot to come to terms with it and suffered with bad depression. Now that he is here I obviously do not regret having him for a second and love him more than anything but the damage to the relationship seems to be permanent. There is a lot of bitterness and resentment within the relationship that doesn't seem to be fixable. He is very very bad with money and keeps getting us into increasingly more debt and our financial situation is getting more out of control. This meant that I had to return to work full time after 12 weeks because I do not trust him to be the one to keep a roof over our heads.

Now it has come to a time where a decision needs to be made. I have thought about staying with him for our son's sake even though I don't love him or really have much respect for him and I will be honest I resent him a lot for the situation we are in. Does anyone on here have any experience of staying in a less than happy relationship for the sake of children?

If we were to split up I know that ultimately we will have to accept 50/50 joint custody as because I had to return to work full time and I do the same amount of hours he does then I am not classed as the primary carer. I have wanted to drop my hours down to part time for 4 months but financially it just doesn't seem like something I will be able to do. At the minute we juggle shift work and childcare and somehow muddle along with the help of my family. He has a very large, interfering family who will not take too kindly to me leaving him and I know they will make it very difficult for me. He has already threatened to use my depression when I was pregnant as a reason why our son should go to him full time and has threatened to tell him that I 'didnt want him' when he is old enough to understand. I am so terrified they will do whatever they can to lever him away from me. I am at a complete loss of what to do. I know he will never leave our house as he was declared bankrupt and would never get approved for anywhere to live, however he also wouldn't be able to afford the rent on the house we are currently in so he would have to move in with relatives but he is still determined to get the majority of the custody. I don't think I will cope being away from my baby for half the week let alone any more. I want my son to have a good relationship with his dad but not at the expense of his relationship with me.

Does anyone have any advice on where to go from here? Sorry for the long rambly post.


SolidGoldBrass Mon 08-Dec-14 21:26:41

Your life will improve as soon as you get rid of this useless cock. He is abusive. He railroaded you into a relationship you didn't much want and is actively engaged in keeping you as dependent on him as possible. He will not get 50-50 custody of a little baby just because he says so, particularly if you are breastfeeding. Please don't waste any more of your life, or your son's life, trying to fix a relationship with this inadequate, unpleasant wanker - you may well be able to get him removed from your home by the police and forbidden to return.
Contact Women's Aid for support and advice. YOu don't have to put up with this man.

EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh Mon 08-Dec-14 21:35:28

Why do you think your son will be better off if you stay with his father? He really, really won't.

Tobleronester Mon 08-Dec-14 21:41:48

Hi, thanks for the replies

Solidgoldbrass thank you for the support. It is just a little worrying as because I have to work at the minute we do share the child care.

Ehric I guess I just didn't like the idea of him being passed from pillar to post from such a young age, and also I know that he will be very bitter and when he is older I wouldn't be suprised if he didn't start bad mouthing me to him. All I want is what is best for my son, but I don't imagine he would thank me in 18 years to learn I only stayed with his dad for his sake.

cestlavielife Mon 08-Dec-14 22:04:15

Go get proper advice from a solicitor. You working does not mean you can't have fifty fifty, or different arrangement . Staying with him won't work or do your child a favour.

Lonecatwithkitten Mon 08-Dec-14 22:47:37

As other have said working does not mean 50:50. I work full time with out of hours on call at nights and weekends, but DD is with me (I have an au pair). Ex only works 3 days a week.
Make yourself child focused what is best for your DC, this will always put you in the best position.

badbaldingballerina123 Tue 09-Dec-14 03:26:47

He's abusive and this is a typical threat from these abusers. Personally I would call his bluff and willingly agree. They change their tune pretty quickly. It's simply a attempt to keep you in the relationship.

Besides how is he going to fund the lawyers he would need ? The fact is he would be in severe financial shit if it wasn't for you.

Coyoacan Tue 09-Dec-14 03:38:41

Besides how is he going to fund the lawyers he would need?

Love it, ballerina.

Wonc Tue 09-Dec-14 04:43:36

Oh dear. It sounds difficult.
Would it work for you to separate but live in the same house? Or would he make it difficult for you? That would make his debts his responsibility.

Patchworkqueen Tue 09-Dec-14 08:17:39

it is very common for abusive men to say they will get full custody and to threaten to use your depression against you. Empty threats. So please contact Women's Aid and solicitor and get him out of your life. Also could you have a chat with your Dr/HV. The more professional people who know about this the better. Can work in your favour in the long term.

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