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So angry after ea. How to calm down?

(14 Posts)
iloverunning36 Mon 08-Dec-14 17:34:31

Previous thread

<http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2187264-emotional-abuse-How-to-make-final-leap-to-leave-if-so>

I left him over ea and due to move into rental on Friday. I thought I was fine but now that the weepy stage is over I find myself getting furious over how he has got away with his behaviour. He is still in our lovely big house (looking into selling it tomorrow), he has a new £20k car and is likely to be dating again. He is acting all hard done by and bleating about spending Christmas on his own. I meanwhile have no job, will have to rent for the rest of my life and his family will think I'm the wicked witch of the west. I have seen a solicitor and the prenup is binding so I will only get half of the small amount of equity in the house. The main thing is that he is still trying to pretend he is a reasonable human and won't admit to what he is despite me texting the following 2 texts. He just says I'm letting a few bad months colour an otherwise good relationship. I have spoken to his ex and he did all the same stuff to her. She described him as abusive also.

Text 1
You were verbally and emotionally abusive, it's only now I'm out of it I can see it for what it was and how bad it was. That's not love, it's manipulation. I am so angry about how you behaved towards me. I have recordings of the horrible horrible things you said to me and no one should ever speak to another human being like that ever. This isn't depression or stress, it's abuse and now you'll just go and do the same to another woman. The only way we could have a good relationship would be if you admit your issues and seek counselling but you seem to go through life blaming everyone else for your mental issues repeating the same patterns over and over again and messing up other peoples lives and homes in the process.

Reply:
We have spoken about the above umpteen times and most of it simply isn't true on my opinion. I just want to focus on Baby and getting things sorted out, not holding a post mortem every other day.

My reply:
It is true. Why would I leave you with such a young baby and no job?! It's not something anyone would do on a whim and I clearly don't have anyone else (nor will I likely be able to trust anyone for a very long time if at all) I have recordings and a diary and it's on record with the doctor and health visitor. If you have had training on domestic abuse and can be honest with yourself then you know very well that you are abusive. You will have done this before and you should not be allowed to do it again. I do not want my son growing up witnessing domestic abuse. You must get this sorted out. The counselling I am receiving is for the abuse but I don't want him going through it.

I am tempted to go to the police. His ex did one of the times he made a suicide threat and he got counselling. I think I would be unlikely to get anywhere though would I? I would probably just look bitter.

dadwood Mon 08-Dec-14 17:56:00

Here's the main thing: Well done for escaping your abusive husband.

iloverunning36 Mon 08-Dec-14 17:58:54

Thanks. But what if weekly contact makes my son turn out like him? It is unlikely that he'll have another strong male model.

dadwood Mon 08-Dec-14 18:01:50

In the biggest picture, you have the chance for a healthy fulfilled relationship with another person in the future if you wish, and a good relationship with your DC.

I don't suppose your STBXH will ever have a good relationship unless he addresses his issues.

I'd rather be you than him! He hasn't "won"

dadwood Mon 08-Dec-14 18:05:43

x post.

I don't expect weekly contact will make your son like him. I know children of abusive parents who are just fine when they are no longer exposed on a daily basis.

There will be loads of good role models around unless you are moving to an uninhabited island.

iloverunning36 Mon 08-Dec-14 18:08:56

Uninhibited island sounds very appealing at the moment smile thanks

dadwood Mon 08-Dec-14 18:15:20

smile The dry sense of humour is operational then!

iloverunning36 Mon 08-Dec-14 18:24:13

I meant uninhabited not uninhibited blush

dadwood Mon 08-Dec-14 18:28:03

What were you thinking about going to the police over in particular? Is there a suicide threat?

Holdthepage Mon 08-Dec-14 18:30:33

I know you want him to see himself for what he is, but guess what, he never will. Stop communicating with him unless it is vital, be businesslike but nothing more. I have read many threads on here from women in your position & the advice always strongly advises NC.

Paddlingduck Mon 08-Dec-14 18:37:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iloverunning36 Mon 08-Dec-14 18:49:58

There have been suicide threats but not one at the moment. Who knows what Christmas will bring, I had said he could spend Christmas with us but have now said he cannot. I just thought under this Claire's law thing so that something was on record if a partner decided to check out his record. Highly unlikely though seeing as how he is so charming initially. I'll just have to watch it all play out in front of my son now sad

CogitOIOIO Mon 08-Dec-14 20:28:52

You're never going to get apologies out of someone like this. They will never acknowledge they were wrong. I fully understand your frustration and anger but it's only stressing you, not him. There's a saying 'the best revenge is to live well' and I would add..... 'and get a really good lawyer'.

iloverunning36 Mon 08-Dec-14 21:01:09

thanks, I will pull myself together and do exactly this in time. I almost want him to get someone new so that I am totally free but it just seems so unfair that he will get to go and turn someone elses life upside down while badmouthing me - he has already called me bitter sad

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