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How do you sort out parenting differences - Aibu?

(77 Posts)
superstarheartbreaker Mon 08-Dec-14 13:04:26

Dd is an only child and does find it hard to share. My own stance is that it is lovely to share but a child cannot be forced to share something precious to them and that actually it is human nature to be possessive over certain things.

Thus sounds so petty but the other day I bought dd some Christmas ear muffs. My friend came round with her dd and her dd wanted to try them on. My dd didn't want to let her and said she would get cold ears if she took them off! Now we all know that this was an excuse but my friend got very cross and said to her dd" xxxx is being mean." I was angry that she said that in front of my child...passive aggressive.

My friend told me that if her dd won't share she confiscates the item so no one can have it. I think that this is a great idea when it comes to toys but when it comes to something that someone is actually wearing it is inappropriate. I don't think children should be forced to share new items of clothing or accessories and I didn't want to confiscate them as there would gave been a big tantrum but also i knew how proud dd is of her new ear muffs.

Apparently I should have told dd off for saying that her ears will get cold as this was a lie. She just wanted an excuse not to share IMO. Apparently I do t do enough to encourage sharing when the truth us when the girls bicker I tend to switch off and let them get on with it whereas my friend is much more involved.

I did encourage dd to let her friend try on her head gear and she leg her have a go in the end.

Today I feel like a shit mum who dosnt encourage her dd to share. My friend and her mum said that my dd dosnt like to share and I feel like it's my fault. Am I doing enough? Should I have confiscated the head gear?

Also our parents go out so the are kind of family. I would like them to play together nicely but our girls compete and wind each other up which makes it tense. I do feel like I'm getting the blame surreptitiously for this when IMO the competition between them is natural albeit not desirable. I do try to encourage my dd to play nicely but tbh I feel out of my depth with the dynamics here.

Quitelikely Mon 08-Dec-14 13:14:28

I do think children should be encouraged to share. I don't agree with you saying certain things should be kept back.

In this instance, if the girls were outside and it was freezing cold then I don't think your dd should have been expected to take her ear muffs off.

superstarheartbreaker Mon 08-Dec-14 13:17:58

She was I doors... Maybe it's me then? I did encourage her to share but I didn't agree with confiscating them. I believe in sharing things but I do think that healthy boundaries are important.

superstarheartbreaker Mon 08-Dec-14 13:18:21

Indoors I mean so it was an excuse.

BirdintheWings Mon 08-Dec-14 13:21:19

Share toys, sure, as that tends to be the point of playdates. But share headwear? Weird! and let's hope neither of them have nits

stargirl1701 Mon 08-Dec-14 13:21:39

No, I would not ask DD1 to share her most precious things. She has a comforter muslin and a cuddly cat. These are hers and I would never ask her to share them. Other toys with no emotional value attached, yes I would expect her to share. Clothes/accessories, I don't know. I wouldn't expect more from DD1 than an adult. I wouldn't share my car or my clothes with a friend. I would offer them a lift in my car and tell them where I bought an item of clothes.

So, I don't know! grin Helpful grin

TarkaTheOtter Mon 08-Dec-14 13:24:18

I think the parent was passive aggressive because you didn't step in and tell your dd to share. It was mean of her to not let her friend try them on. Not a big deal. I do agree that I wouldn't expect my child to share an item of clothing but unless you are outdoors I would treat the earmuffs like a toy, the same as other fancy dress.

Quitelikely Mon 08-Dec-14 13:29:21

If indoors whats the harm in letting someone have a go of the ear muffs?

If you persistently don't encourage your daughter to share with this girl but this girl shares with your child then IMO there is a clear imbalance going on.

It really is good practice to teach your child to share. It's a kind, healthy thing to do. And a lesson that can be carried well into adulthood. Something beneficial for all concerned.

superstarheartbreaker Mon 08-Dec-14 13:47:56

I agree that dd was being mean but should I have confiscated them? That didn't feel right. In the end I gently encouraged her to lend them.

stargirl1701 Mon 08-Dec-14 13:54:58

Ideas for teaching appropriate sharing.

TarkaTheOtter Mon 08-Dec-14 13:55:50

I think confiscating is effective but it doesn't really matter so long as she did share them. Ultimately I do remove toys if dc don't play nicely with them and that includes not sharing. V v rare I have to actually follow through with it, normally threat us enough. Depends on your parenting "style" really - how much negotiating you are willing to do first.

Otoh I am happy to put away special toys before friends come over. It's the playing with a toy in front of someone else and not sharing that's not ok in my book.

superstarheartbreaker Mon 08-Dec-14 13:58:05

But earmuffs are not toys. Confused.

JohnFarleysRuskin Mon 08-Dec-14 13:59:14

I don't think children should be pushed to share their most precious things.

Why should the other kid just have whatever she fancies/feels like?
Some children need to learn that not everything gets shared.

superstarheartbreaker Mon 08-Dec-14 13:59:37

I think I'm panicking a bit as I know dd 6 is quite selfish but I was very laissez faire when she was a toddler. Have I left it too late to teach kindness?

Footlight Mon 08-Dec-14 14:01:51

Your friend wbu, and rude! She should have either left the girls to it or told her daughter to stop asking for the ear muffs.

Sounds like socialising with this family is too stressful all round, maybe give them a wide berth for a bit.

Joysmum Mon 08-Dec-14 14:02:30

It's never too late smile

You're doing your best, don't feel shit just do your best flowers

Footlight Mon 08-Dec-14 14:03:22

You can only really teach kindness by example so you've either been doing it or not. Not too late to start though.

TarkaTheOtter Mon 08-Dec-14 14:08:05

As I said up thread, I would treat the earmuffs like fancy dress if my dd was wearing them in the house with a friend round. I think it's rude to "play" with something in front of a friend and not share it. If it's too precious to share don't play with it in front of someone else. But I guess it's a grey area as I wouldn't necessarily expect her to share regular clothes.

RiverTam Mon 08-Dec-14 14:11:03

well, your friend was very rude, but I don't see why your DD couldn't have let her friend try on her ear muffs. I can understand that all children have certain very precious things but you can teach them to differentiate between them. DD (nearly 5, also an only child) will not allow anyone to touch her bunny blankie which is fine, we put it away if she has friends over. But anything else that is out is for sharing. I don't think I would confiscate but I wouldn't be happy with this situation. It's ear muffs, not underwear! Have you never asked a friend if you could try something on - I know I have.

TarkaTheOtter Mon 08-Dec-14 14:11:59

Ps don't panic. It's just a difference of opinion. Your friend was being rude to pick you up on it. I'd have just directed my dd to something else in your friends situation.

DuelingFanjo Mon 08-Dec-14 14:13:21

YANBU - imagine if this scenario had been played out by adults.

FelicityGubbins Mon 08-Dec-14 14:16:28

I think your friend was being daft, if something is being worn then it's not to be bandied round as a "share" item, would she let you try on her wedding ring? or shoes? I would have told her to grow up tbh ...

EilisCitron Mon 08-Dec-14 14:20:20

The New Yorker, 2008

"If adults were subjected to the same indignities as children . . .


Zoe: Dad, I’m throwing a party tonight, so you’ll have to stay in your room. Don’t worry, though—one of my friends brought over his father for you to play with. His name is Comptroller Brooks and he’s roughly your age, so I’m sure you’ll have lots in common. I’ll come check on you in a couple of hours. (Leaves.)

Comptroller Brooks: Hello.

Mr. Higgins: Hello.

Comptroller Brooks: So . . . um . . . do you follow city politics?

Mr. Higgins: Not really.

Comptroller Brooks: Oh.

(Long pause.)

(Zoe returns.)

Zoe: I forgot to tell you—I told my friends you two would perform for them after dinner. I’ll come get you when it’s time. (Leaves.)

Comptroller Brooks: Oh, God, what are we going to do?

Mr. Higgins: I know a dance . . . but it’s pretty humiliating.

Comptroller Brooks: Just teach it to me.


Lobbyist: If you fail to pass this proposition, it will lead to the deaths of thousands. Any questions?

Senator: Why are you wearing a sailor suit?

Lobbyist: My children decided to dress me this way, on a whim. I told them it was an important day for me, but they wouldn’t listen.

Senator: It’s adorable.

Lobbyist: O.K. . . . but do you agree with the proposition? About the war?

Senator: Put on the cap.


Lou Rosenblatt: Can I drive your car? I’ll give it back when I’m done.

Mrs. Herson: I’m sorry, do I know you?

Lou Rosenblatt: No, but we’re the same age and we use the same garage.

Mrs. Herson: No offense, sir, but I really don’t feel comfortable lending you my car. I mean, it’s by far my most important possession.

Brian Herson: Mom, I’m surprised at you! What did we learn about sharing?

Mrs. Herson: You’re right . . . I’m sorry. Take my Mercedes.

Lou Rosenblatt: Thank you. Can I come over to your house later? I’m lonely and I don’t have any friends.

Mrs. Herson: Well . . . actually . . . I kind of had plans tonight.

Brian Herson: Are you excluding him?

Mrs. Herson: No, of course not! (Sighs.) Here’s my address, sir. The party starts at eight.

Lou Rosenblatt: I’ll show up a little early.

Mrs. Herson: What’s that on your face?

Lou Rosenblatt: Mucus. I haven’t learned how to blow my nose yet, so I just go around like this all the time.

Mrs. Herson: Oh.

Lou Rosenblatt: I’ll see you soon, inside your house. ♦"

bonkersLFDT20 Mon 08-Dec-14 14:35:14

I agree that children should not be forced into sharing everything.

Before a friend comes over, apart from putting out of sight things I don't want them playing with, I will tell my son that I expect him to share his things when his friend comes over and so, if there's anything particularly precious that he doesn't want to share then we must put it away.

Anything that's left is fair game and I will intervene if my son isn't sharing. I won't jump right in an insist upon it, but with the ear muffs I'd say to my son that he should let his pal try them. If reluctant I'd say he needed to share in a few minutes and then tell the friend "mini-bonkers isn't ready to share just now, but in 5 minutes it will be your turn".

I don't get all this comparison with adults TBH. We're talking about children, who are still learning the art of sharing, and who don't have the same composure as adults. What's wrong with a child wanting to try some festive ear muffs?

bonkersLFDT20 Mon 08-Dec-14 14:36:03

But I do think it was wrong for your friend to tell her child that yours was being mean.

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