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DH and his superiority complex(44 Posts)
I had a thread going in Aibu where this originally stemmed from. Basic back story is that we live in a 4 bed house, my kids live with us full time and his kids USED to visit ever Saturday night but now at 19 years old, his eldest has understandably knocked this on the head and now visits once in every two months or so. Because of the old arrangement his kids occupied the biggest bedroom whilst my youngest had the smallest but as I'm buying space saving furniture for my youngest ... It's starting to seem silly to me that a big bedroom is stood empty most of the time and then is only usually occupied by one child (17) most Saturday nights. So I made a simple suggestion to dh that we consider swapping bedrooms.
As predicted he went nuts, saying I'm trying to wipe his kids out, I'm out of order, terrible selfish suggestion and he has less respect for me for even thinking about it!! . I reminded him that as 50/50 partners we should discuss issues, not just have one person making all the decisions and the other person shot down in flames every time they dare to suggest something. He reminded me that we're not 50/50 as regards the finance of the house as he has a much higher financial share in it. I was like "what the fuck?? How is that even relevant here??" And he turned THAT into an argument deciding I didn't respect his "journey" through life, didn't respect the fact that he'd worked since he was 16 and had been paying mortgages for 20 years. Ultimately, he said I should respect the fact that he "has money ". What the fuvk does that even mean??
He makes me out to be some kind of gold digger. I've never once asked for a penny of his precious money and would gladly sign anything that entitled him to shove his money quite firmly up his own arse if that's what it took.
All that because I dared make a suggestion about our living arrangements. I'm so fucking angry and hurt. I'm all for disagreeing with someone but with him everything is a huge argument. Constant egg shells and constant reminders of "I've worked hard to have what I have" - well congratulations ... Perhaps go and find someone more materialistic who cares as much about money as you do??!!!
He acts like he dislikes me and has no respect for me whatsoever.
Yep, you are right, he's an utter git of the first order. He doesn't appreciate the meaning of marriage and is effectively breaking his marriage vows unless you chose to avoid anything reflecting the traditional line of "all my worldly goods I thee endow" e.g. "all that I have I share with you" or whatever.
Personally I would not be staying married to someone with that attitude. He sees you as a chattel he has financial contol over, not as a life partner.
Has he always been like this with you? I couldn't stay in a relationship with someone I couldn't discuss things with.
So you've rubbed off a bit of the silver paper and discovered that you've got a big old lump of resentful, suspicious coal underneath..... If he acts like he doesn't like you, it's probably because he doesn't like you.
How long have you been together?
Not right at the beginning, he was fun, kind hearted and approachable. Unless I was just blinded back then and missed the signs. He's so bitter and twisted about his ex getting half of his "precious" and the fact that she kept the kids that he just takes anything to do with them out on me.
A classic from a couple if days ago ... Me - "oh no I think I've missed ds1's college open night!" He replied "so, I never get to go to my kids stuff". ??? For fucks sake.
walk away - nothing is worth teaching your kids, you and by inference them are not worth consideration and are only in 'his' house on sufferance
He sounds awful. Has his anger over the room swap anything to do with how he feels about not seeing much of his eldest anymore, them growing away from him etc? (Looking for excuses for him being such a dick)
Pettiness is not a good attribute in anyone, certainly not a partner. Badmouthing the ex is always a bad sign - he's already talking about you the same way, you notice. Taking frustrations out on other people is just bullying, pure and simple.
Please stand up for yourself and maybe start imagining a future life as an independent person. I can't see this going the distance.
I keep daydreaming about being with someone who actually genuinely wants and loves me. Someone I can talk to about anything with fear of kicking off world war 3. Someone with no money would be bonus at this point.
He's totally frustrated that he doesn't get to see his kids as much as he wants to but I'm sick of taking the blame for that.
I was never the OW by the way. She divorced him before I came on the scene as he was controlling and constantly told her how lucky she was to have him "keeping" her. I saw the divorce papers. He said it's all shit ... I'd believe him if I didn't see the same traits after just 3 years.
Three years? Everyone is on best behaviour in the first few months... takes time to get to know someone warts and all. Sounds like things have not been good for some time & now you know the divorce paper contents weren't 'shit' I think you'd be silly if you stuck around for the same treatment. I feel very sorry for you but I also pity your DCs ..... seeing mum with a bully who subjects her to 'world war 3' for speaking up is a really horrible experience.
He sounds really spiteful.
My mum is a bully and growing up we all had to tread on egg shells. Her word was law in our house and my step dad was reduced to weak shell of a man. He left after 16 years and then died of cancer two years later.
Life is too short to waste time with people who see you as there personal verbal punchbag. Have you any rights in your home or are you just lodging there to help pay the bills?
The line of "well I don't get see my kds stuff" is beyond the pale. He is angry, bitter and jelous and resentful of you.
After the new year start looking fir a fresh happy life with your kids because this man won't be satisfied until your just the same as him.
Your children are precious. Don't ruin their teenage years by having this tool around.
If this was a one-off I'd say he may be upset at seeing less of his son, who is choosing to spend less time with you. He might feel that 'taking away' his son's room will make visits even rarer.
I think you are right about the rooms, btw. Makes sense!
Does he display this behaviour in front of your kids? Think about it this way. Your kids will be leaving home in a few years, why not give you and them the best time until they leave instead of this awful man take that away. If your kids are teens, they will pick up on it anyway. It's not right they have to feel this way. You don't have to dream of finding someone who appreciates you, you can make if happen.
So you need an exit plan. Do you have a job or any income in your own name? Do you co-own any major assets? Did he make you sign any kind of pre-nup? (nb pre-nups are often unenforceable anyway)
A 2-bed flat with freedom from this nasty spiteful man will be way happier than sharing a larger house with a bully.
This all sounds horrible (and I've read your other thread).
I wish people would read these sorts of threads before setting up home with someone with children - it so often ends in resentment/bitterness on both sides.
You say you 'daydream of being with someone who genuinely wants and loves me' but how about concentrating on loving yourself and your DC first - be happy in yourself rather than thinking happiness comes from 'a relationship'.
Start planning now to leave this bully and get your freedom and self respect back. Good luck.
OP did comment on your other thread.
My DH is similar in ways. 14 years after divorce from ex wife he is still upset about loosing "his assets" to her. I do feel for people in his situation.
Ex wife hardly worked at all, as she was depressed. He paid most of the mortgage, she then left him for family friend and took his kids aged 4 and 2 to live 6 hours drive away and she got 2/3 of the house sale and maintenance. She bought a house out right we will pay off our mortgage when he is 70 years old.
His experience has made him bitter. I would be too.
This attitude has rubbed into our relationship although I pay my way and work full time so certainly don't live off him. But I think I am tarred with same brush as his ex.
Personally, Id tell him you understand he wants his kids more and how hurt he is that he doesn't see them.
However, you've come to the conclusion that he's projecting his past onto you and that's not something your prepared to accept.
You either work through this or you separate. It's not fair.
I would see a solicitor if I were you.
See how things would pan out if you were to split, you don't have to make any decisions yet. I wouldn't give a toss what he said about me wanting to grab his precious money. You need to make sure you and DC are OK and let him carry on in his nasty little life.
His first divorce papers tell you everything you need to know here I think. You are just slowly heading down the same ugly path.
I am sure you would be far happier on your own than treading on eggshells around this twerp. Good luck.
I think on the room swapping thing, that's something that he would need to discuss with his child to see if they would be okay with it. I know everyone has different views on these things, but I would have been furious if my bedroom had been given away to a step sibling when I went away to university. So obviously he will want to avoid any arguments there.
But the way he has gone about this is awful. The arguments he is using (This is MY house as I earn more and blah blahblah), show the kind of person he is, and what his priorities are. "You don't respect me" is a very worrying thing for him to say when you put forward a suggestion like this.
To be perfectly honest, I don't think he is taking out his feelings of his ex on you. I think this is exactly how he is, and from what you say of the divorce papers, it's EXACTLY the reason that his ex divorced him. The divorce is just a convenient excuse to justify his behaviour now.
I especially don't like him talking about HIS assets being taken by his ex. Obviously I don't know the circumstances of the divorce, but his attitude comes across as "This is all MINE. And you - wife - are allowed some of MY money".
That's a very controlling and arrogant attitude.
Funny how many men claim that the ex was deluded, told lies in the divorce, is a bitch..... and then treat the new wife with exactly the same shit that the ex divorced him for.
And I agree that his ex getting half of everything is not the reason for this, it is the excuse. She got what she was entitled to, presumably he wanted her to get nothing and fought every step of the way, and he will do the same with you
But I would still be calling a solicitor asap.
Sorry your DH is behaving like a tosser. I would contend that he is a tosser! I agree with kaykay - this is not an abberration - this is the real him. This is how he is and he doesn't respect you. He doesn't even like you and he seems to resent you very much. It is horrific to realise this. Give it time to sink in and everything that has been going on will add up. Plus you have the evidence of the last divorce - not a pack of lies at all.
Your story is very, very familiar to me. I had an H like this - he turned on me just after our first child was born and it went downhill from there. I divorced him after years of 'eggshells' and trying so, so hard to make life better for all of us. It didn't work. He didn't like me and he didn't care how upset I was when he behaved viciously. And he had ANGER just like your DH, to the point that I was afraid to bring up any issue, however small, because he would belittle me or get ridiculously angry and succeed in being totally unreasonable with the threat of his anger.
The World War Three thing is like living with an unexploded bomb in your living room - you don't know when it will go off but you are living with the threat and fear 24/7. It is a very unsafe and anxious-making feeling in your home where you should be at least secure. See a solicitor - and I say that with genuine sisterly care and best wishes, not because I am bitter and twisted! You will be happier without him. It is really difficult to see how you can make the marriage happier with this man happy and righteous in the role of bully. He doesn't see anything wrong with how he is, he will not change. The only survival mechanism for you and with it the chance of happiness is to get rid. No one deserves this kind of treatment.
I have personal experience of this but from a child/teenager's perspective. My mother moved in with her partner after our parents divorce. After uni, I moved in too, joining his son and eventually one of my younger brothers. Despite not living at home anymore his daughter had her own room, as did his son. My brothers had to share a room when the youngest visited ( he lived with my dad most of the time) meanwhile I slept on a sofa bed in at the end of the dining room. My mum's partner wouldn't allow her to put money into the house, and their money was never shared. At Christmas when we opened presents together my brothers and I would watch for hours as they opened presents long after we'd opened ours. We were constantly criticised by him and eventually we saved our money (my round the world fund) and left. Our rooms were immediately 'spare' rooms, funnily enough his children kept theirs. When my younger brother years later had a much needed back operation he was due to recuperate at their house, at the last minute the offer was rescinded by mum's partner. In fact, it was clear we weren't welcome to stay when we visited, so we never did. On the flip side my dad remarried and he and his wife are incredibly anal about fairness to their children. They have a present budget for birthdays and Christmas and if we get the odd gift for the grand children in the year they will spend the exact same on each one. My rather long winded point is, you are not being treated as equal and your child will pick up on this. None of the above was ever discussed with me or in front of me but I knew I was second best to his kids and he didn't give a shit about my mum. Incidentally she only left him last year after he became increasingly jealous about my mum's grandchildren. She evidently decided he was not going to damage her relationship with them too. My dad has since admitted the reason he fought so hard for custody (and won) is because my mum's partner once said to him he didn't give a shit about the kids, he just wanted my mum (he was the other man).
I just think, equality is paramount in a relationship. Otherwise it's damaging. I don't mean financial equality, I mean the knowledge that both of you are equal partners and equally respected.
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