Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Relationship ended tonight

(13 Posts)
Itsallovernowtheend Mon 08-Dec-14 00:48:42

I can't quite believe it. After five years and what could have been so good. I largely did my grieving over the relationship last week when a huge disagreement over a situation came to a head and I thought that unless he changed his thinking on the matter, I couldn't let things go on.

He has put me in a terrible position, but my protests were 'whingeing, moaning and complaining'. Gee thanks. I actually think he felt guilty and was deflecting it. If not, well I don't know what that makes him.

He finally asked me what was wrong this evening as things have been civil, but strained, and I told him the way he had treated me and the things he had said had really hurt and upset me and that I'd stuck my neck out to tell him something he didn't want to hear, but which he needed to pay heed to.

Apparently telling him how I feel is badgering him about the situation. I make it all about me and I'm making things intolerable for him.

He's blaming me - I've driven him away and it's all my fault.

This is rubbish btw and I've told him he needs to look at himself and it takes two to mess things up.

But the thing that is really getting to me is that, because of my age, I've wasted time on this relationship because there was also some excuse for not starting a family and now I'm never going to have a child of my own. I feel so empty and I'm scared about how things are going to pan out.

badbaldingballerina123 Mon 08-Dec-14 00:52:31

Was your disagreement about a woman ?

IsItTeaYoureLookingFor Mon 08-Dec-14 00:54:51

Oh OP. I'm sorry you're going through this. Try to take each day as it comes. Do you have some RL support.

Itsallovernowtheend Mon 08-Dec-14 00:55:19

No - not at all.

NorthLDNgal Mon 08-Dec-14 00:55:38

Hi itsallovernow, i'm sorry to hear this. I have just been through this. 5 years and break up was because he doesn't want to marry and have children. It hurts because of the time we had been together, and on my part, thinking it would one day happen for us.

Do you live together?


30somethingm Mon 08-Dec-14 01:01:34

I'm sorry you're hurting. How old are you if you don't mind me asking? Was the disagreement over not having / having children?

Itsallovernowtheend Mon 08-Dec-14 01:12:54

I do have some RL support, but I've been putting a brave face on things for so long I'm dreading telling people. He works away a lot so I think that has strung things out in some ways.

I think he's been emotionally abusive towards to me over a number of things, but the disagreement has shown me it's not me, it's him.

When someone is only home at the weekends and all they do is sleep until lunchtime unless there is something they specifically want to do, and sit on the sofa with their laptop on in front of the TV the rest of the time, never pulling their weight it grates and I have been critical on occasion. He has boundless energy for his hobby.

I feel I am in my prime, but we haven't had sex for months and he's rejected me every time I've tried to initiate it.

He told me last weekend he was depressed and it was my fault. Depression would explain some things, but I've asked him to see the doctor about his tiredness several times and he just hasn't done it. In fact there have been a number of different things over time I've suggested he see the doctor about and he has never prioritised and actually gone to the doctors.

Ultimately I think I made it clear what I wanted from the relationship, but he didn't want the same as me. He went along with things because he loved me, but because it wasn't what he wanted things started to unravel.

Itsallovernowtheend Mon 08-Dec-14 01:17:37

I'm in my early forties. He knew from our first date that I wanted a family! We got on so well I felt comfortable telling him this.

The disagreement wasn't about children. I'm sorry, but I don't want to say more about the subject of that disagreement, but it has been a real eye opener for me. My feelings over the situation have been totally dismissed by him.

We do live together - when he is here, which I don't think will be ever again after tonight.

NorthLDNgal Mon 08-Dec-14 01:19:25

Do you think he may suffer from work-related stress and struggles to find time for himself and that's had a negative effect on his relationship with you? It can be frustrating but I can see how that happens. I was under a lot of work stress and found myself spending nights sleeping in the other room just because I wanted a bit of space which was not well received for obvious reasons. It had nothing to do with my levels of attraction for my exDP but I needed him to recognise the space I needed when I had supported him through a lot of things. Instead he made me feel guilty about it. We never communicated about it properly either which led to further resentment.

It sounds like you are very angry and likely with good reason, but if you think there's any hope in saving the relationship maybe talking calmly about both of your needs and how you can both meet them might help?

Itsallovernowtheend Mon 08-Dec-14 01:23:10

Do you know, I am not angry at all! I was last weekend, now I'm just resigned to childless singledom.

He absolutely thrives on work - it's really important to him. I do think he gives too much of himself to it though. He gave it up a few years ago and lived off substantial savings and investments he cashed in. Looks like he could be repeating a pattern.

NorthLDNgal Mon 08-Dec-14 01:24:15

I didn't read your previous message before I posted mine, that is a hard situation and I'm sorry this has happened.

Itsallovernowtheend Mon 08-Dec-14 01:27:08

I was hoping we could sit down and talk things through, but I don't think that's very likely now.

He told me I've pushed things too far and he was ending it because I was like a child trying to get my own way.

I'm upset he just refuses to even try to see things from my perspective, because he's just digging his heels in and then lashing out at me verbally.

MrsMerrywinkle Mon 08-Dec-14 04:27:11

Start creating a new life for yourself. The life you had with him doesn't seem to be meeting your needs. Move on.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now