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ExH and w v me

(7 Posts)
Notcontent Sun 07-Dec-14 21:59:15

I will not bore you with all the sordid details but basically my exH left me a quite a few years ago with a small baby to be with his now wife. It was all a big ugly and I had a hellish time. He quickly established a new family and they have a lovely life - children, amazing house, etc.

But I feel that I am constantly made to feel like I am the one who did something wrong. I know that the wife hugely resents the fact that dd and I exist. I think we are a thorn in their lovely existence. I think exH used to stand up to the wife a bit more but not so much now. The reason I know a lot of things us because now that dd is eight she has started telling me things that happen when she is with her father - I don't ask, but she talks about things. Ther are often arguments about dd in front of dd. I am not sur what to do about it.

I feel like for the rest of my life I will, in some way, continue to pay the price for the fact that I dared to be married first to exH. And dd is paying that price too to an extent.

I know some people have great relationships with their exes, but do you think that when a relationship starts from such an ugly beginning, there is bound to be huge resentment? I am single and maybe that makes things worse, because I am an easy target.

Notcontent Sun 07-Dec-14 22:00:22

Sorry for all the typing mistakes.

Spellcheck Sun 07-Dec-14 22:16:38

What a horrible situation. And there's very little you can do about it. Your DD shouldn't see you retaliate, it can be very damaging.

My exH is still with the woman he had his long affair with. She was a friend and she worked in our company. In fact, she still does and I had to leave and retrain. So I guess you could say she won. Yet she really resents me -I am not allowed on their drive when I drop the DCs off, exH is not allowed to speak to me, and she is cold towards our DC. They often hear them arguing about me. ExH and I get on reasonably well in front of the kids - when he drops them here we chat on the doorstep but his phone always rings and I can hear her screeching down the phone at him. He runs around after her and her DC - bought her eldest a brand new car, pays for all the holidays etc, and still she is never happy despite the fact they have a gorgeous home and lots of money. He is now conducting little flings with girls in the office and flirts inappropriately with almost every female there.

So yes, perhaps you're right, maybe a relationship borne out of ugliness continues to be ugly and does breed resentment that will never go away. I think that I remind them of their ugly affair, and any guilt that they try to suppress. It can't be a nice feeling to live with. Ha!

Notcontent Sun 07-Dec-14 22:27:40

Thank you for posting spellcheck. Your situation sounds very similar to mine.

No, I have never said anything bad about him or his wife in front of dd. Quite the opposite, I have spent the last 8 years constantly saying good things about him - which makes it even more unfair!

Are your DC picking up on it? My dd is very sensitive and the arguments make her really upset. But I just have to bear it and reassure dd that she has done nothing wrong.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Sun 07-Dec-14 22:39:31

I think in reality, you serve to remind her, that your ex cheated on you, hes not beyond cheating on her, deep she knows that, and seeing you keeps on digging at that knowledge.

There may be a part of her that thinks "when" not "if"

Its nothing to do with you or DD, its her own insecurities born from having a fling with a married man and "winning" him, she probably knows he aint much of a prize.

Spellcheck Sun 07-Dec-14 22:48:19

Yes, the DC pick up on it and get quite upset. At first they stuck up for him. Now they are older, the eldest two (aged 14 and 16) are always finding reasons not to go there. I feel a bit sorry for exH sometimes as he is seeing them less and less. When they do go, they make sure her DC will be there first (she does 50/50 with her ex), as they spend the whole time with her DC anyway. It's sad, but totally normal to them so they don't really see it as a bad situation. All 3 often say how she is frosty towards them and they feel uncomfortable there. I wish it were different.

Notcontent Sun 07-Dec-14 23:25:42

Thank you both for posting. I am even thinking of going to get some counselling to help me deal with this. I think it's the hardest thing about being separated/divorced when you've had children with someone - you are tied to people who don't wish you well.

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