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Help me try to understand what he is saying

(22 Posts)
Homepride1 Sun 07-Dec-14 20:19:28

Will try and keep back story brief! Been with bf 3 years and have 4 month old dd! When I got pregnant he didn't want baby was quite nasty and I made choice to continue with or without him! After I made my choice he then came around to the idea after a brief split at 3 months! So whole way through the pregnancy he refused to have sex with me and all intimacy basically stopped, I felt like he found me repulsive and that he was only with me because I was pregnant he promised this wasn't true and that he lived me etc! Since dd has arrived things have still been tough and the intimacy isn't back at all despite my best efforts, he actually can't get it up for me (I only gained minimal weight and I'm back in pre pregnancy clothes etc)

So along with the sex has just been lack of general effort, continually promising date nights etc and when the day comes backing out, sleeping on sofa all the time, still not kiss cuddles etc!

I have spent pretty much the last year beating myself up over it!

So it all came to a head last week and I ended the relationship as I believe he doesn't love me, wants no intimacy with me and despite knowing how upset I was has made no effort whatsoever to put it right! he has been pretty nasty and texts going back and forth but it seems like he is trying to just go back on everything he says and trying to put blame on me by saying I got want I wanted by ending it etc!

So he texts thing like the following, when I say he didn't love me, or make effort (words where all there just no actions)

"Ok I'm out of order but I did try because I wanted dd to have a mum and dad"

"I do love you but your right it doesn't work"

"I didn't want you to feel like that so it's better this way you can start afresh"

"My feelings didn't change the relationship changed, lives changed"

Then he kind of backtracks saying it was what I wanted not him etc and getting nasty and trying to turn everything into my fault!

He is just confusing the hell out of me, to me these texts are saying he tried but doesn't really want it.... What would you make of it?

Vitalstatistix Sun 07-Dec-14 20:24:50

I would make of it that he's an arse and he has consistently treated you like shit.

I would also make of it that actually, his heart was not in it.

In all honesty, painful as it might be right now, you're flogging a dead horse and would be better off getting on with your life with him as your ex.

Sounds like he wants to cast you in the role of bad guy so he doesn't have to be the one who behaved badly.

HumblePieMonster Sun 07-Dec-14 20:28:04

Its over, you said so and you were right. He's making sure that from his point of view the blame is on you because he tried, he loves you (when did he show it?), lives changed (ie he takes no responsibility).

Get on with your life. You knew what to do and you did it. Well done. Don't let him mess with your head.

TinyWishes Sun 07-Dec-14 20:31:54

I think you both know that the relationship ended a long time ago and you have both been putting on a show.

Has he gone back home to mum and dad. If so, he's ego must be sore!

Well done for ending it. You've shown maturity. Stop texting and when you do speak keep it neutral and tell him that you still want him and DD to have a relationship.

Sounds like he is trying to make sense of it all. You've had the time to reflect and think about how your life will be, maybe he just pushed it to the back of his mind accepting his fate was with you albeit an unhappy one.

EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh Sun 07-Dec-14 20:34:13

He means he never really wanted a committed relationship or a child with you, he made a half arsed, passive aggressive and resentful attempt to have one but as soon as you gave him an out he has taken it with bells on.
Soon enough you will feel relieved, trust me.

MrsMerrywinkle Sun 07-Dec-14 20:35:05

He's saying he doesn't want to be in relationship with you - you know this. You can go on having him back, splitting up, having him back etc for years so you might as well make a clean break from him now as he's a tosser who's of no use to you. Stop texting him and get some advice about benefits, child support etc.

Start creating a life for you and DD that doesn't include him living with you.

Do you have some RL support with DD?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 07-Dec-14 20:42:12

Stop trying to analyse this tosser and move on with your life, ust you and your dc

Wasting brain bandwidth on him takes mental energy away from the people who really matter...you and your child

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 07-Dec-14 20:42:22

*just

AndTheBandPlayedOn Sun 07-Dec-14 21:12:46

I agree with Ehric and AF (and everyone else)
Imho, I would guess that he is practiced in the art of bullshit. Vague, many shades of...(Well not that grey) but Gray, or maybe Brown?
Humor at some point might help you realize that at the end of the day it just doesn't matter what he means. He doesn't want to be obviously rude and blank you so he speaks in your general direction with general words that have a some what general meaning. Perhaps from a script he read somewhere?

You have established that he does not care for you (sorry). I would also guess that this communication (if you can call it that) is solely to soothe his own soul and really has nothing to do with you. If he were to say those things to a card board photo cut out of you, well, there wouldn't be much difference, would there? He requires no response because it is a monologue performance.

Maybe he wants the last word? Let him have it. Contact only regards dd and just don't do the relationship obituary dance any more.

Arven Sun 07-Dec-14 21:19:36

He doesnt want to be with you. He tried but he's not happy so he wants out. That's what he's saying.

Id listen and cut your losses.

Homepride1 Sun 07-Dec-14 21:24:57

Your all right, I have texted him now telling him I don't wish to hear from him unless it to make arrangements for dd!

The relationship has been over since the day I got pregnant but because he had all the words I kept trying!

Yeah it hurts knowing everything I thought about him not wanting me or wanting sex with me is in fact true and it really has dented my self esteem but I will get over it!

And your all totally right, he ripped my arm off for it when I offered the split but wants to make me look like the bad one, guess it looked better than him leaving his pregnant gf

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 07-Dec-14 21:27:03

Good for you thanks

gottafindaman4yagirl Sun 07-Dec-14 21:28:40

What a terrible situation, if he ever cared for you he would of been excited about the life growing inside of you and your future together as a family. I got Pregnant 4 months into relationship with exh, he was into me and totally supportive. Its often the men who cant wait to start up intimacy again.
He sounds like a spineless, selfish uncaring man, you have a beautiful child who needs your love and attention. Its a horrible situation you are in but the man is a total waste of your time and sounds weird, men love their women pregnant and after.
He's messages are mixed and childish, if you can be rid of him and go forward with your life then you should. You and your child should have security and contentment, you deserve a man who loves you and understands responsibility.

gottafindaman4yagirl Sun 07-Dec-14 21:31:54

home you are obviously a strong and smart women. Good luck and good riddance.

Homepride1 Sun 07-Dec-14 21:57:52

God the contact texts have now started demanding that I do the 4 hour journey each week to drop and collect her! And when I say no says "I'm being unreasonable and showing my true colours, don't worry about it, take care"

Guessing that means he doesn't want contact hmm

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 07-Dec-14 22:02:43

Ignore, ignore, ignore

flatbellyfella Sun 07-Dec-14 22:11:34

He does not deserve contact acting the way he has,.As for a four hour trip to visit him..... No way!!

Homepride1 Sun 07-Dec-14 22:13:23

Anyfucker your good grin

I'm crap at knowing what to do in situations like this, I hate being horrible so usually end up having to froward the whole convo to friend for advice!

I have ignored and leaving it at that, sure if he is bothered about his dd he will get in touch

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 07-Dec-14 22:14:47

If he was bothered about his dd he would find a way to get to her....public transport is quite good in this country, I have found

TinyWishes Sun 07-Dec-14 22:15:05

What a prat. No contact for a few days. Let the dust settle. thanks

Homepride1 Sun 07-Dec-14 22:24:48

Oh no he drives, just doesn't like to go out his way for anything that doesn't involve a pint grin

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 07-Dec-14 22:27:02

Ah, I see. He won't be making any trips then, will he ?

Don't you dare do it for him. I will hunt you down if you do !

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