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Alone and feeling bereft

(17 Posts)
NorthLDNgal Sun 07-Dec-14 19:44:50

About 1 month ago my partner of nearly 5 years decided to leave, stating that he didn't want marriage and children but knows that I will eventually. We never had a proper conversation about it so I feel like he has made the decision for both of us.

He went to stay with a friend that night (has a wife and 2 kids) and he said that he talked to him about this and came to the conclusion it was the right thing to do. I've only had two emails from him since he went, one to say he was picking some more things up and another to say he was collecting the rest of his things to fully move out. This was about 2-3 weeks ago. He's now living in shared accommodation and I'm staying in the flat we shared.

I'd started yoga and began to feel a bit better, even went on a date with a nice man, but still can't seem to stop the tears, which seem to appear unexpectedly. I know it's normal but it really is a horrible time, just before Christmas. His mum was really upset about it too. I've not been in contact with him other than the emails about his moving out.

Just feel like I've lost an arm or something and wondering if things will ever feel better.

ocelot7 Sun 07-Dec-14 19:49:23

I know that bereft feeling & it does eventually get better but it can take some time flowers
Keep at the yoga & other activities that make you feel good. Meanwhile I hope yr RL friends will rally round & that you have some Xmas things to do that didn't include him

elsabelle Sun 07-Dec-14 19:53:07

Going through this too at the moment, sending my love, sympathies & a huge hug. After several months alone i am still crying but my advice to you would be:

- no contact (the more contact ive had, the worst i have felt)
- dont cry and beg him to come back. I've done this a lot and it hasnt made the slightest bit of difference and has just made me feel ive lost all my dignity.
- dont blame yourself. He made this choice, its about him not you.

People keep telling me it'll get easier and im sure it ultimately will. Hang in there. You'll meet somebody else fabulous who will want all the things you do and will make you much happier.

Lots of love xxxx

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 07-Dec-14 19:53:45

Yes, they will feel better. Honestly, they will. You've probably had a very nasty shock and these things do take time to accept and get over. But over it you will get. I've been where you are now, so know what it's like.

Do all the stuff you wanted to but couldn't while you had this man in tow. Special treats. Pamper and comfort yourself because you deserve it.

DrSethHazlittMD Sun 07-Dec-14 19:59:29

Not sure going on a date within a month of splitting with a partner of some years is necessarily the best move. You need to "grieve" to some extent and get yourself in the right place before dating anyone. To be fair to them as well as yourself.

ocelot7 Sun 07-Dec-14 20:03:17

Yes Elsa all those's very hard to go NCIS & then maintain it - I did so much backsliding sad - but it really does work! smile

ocelot7 Sun 07-Dec-14 20:04:13

NC not NCIS! blush

LiDLrichardsPistachioSack Sun 07-Dec-14 20:22:28

Ahhh my sympathies to you! It's not fun is it...I've been there and I promise you you will feel soooo much better. I'm into yoga as well, along with a bit of Buddhism, and what helped me was the idea that in order to heal and move forwards you really should allow yourself to feel all your feelings, really get stuck in to the messiness of it all--the tears, the snot, the rage, all of it. Just feel it and accept it and it somehow gets easier to move past it than if you were repressing or trying to pretend everything's ok, IYSWIM?
Also, you never know what lovely things life has in store for you next--one door closes, another one opens and all that--It might just turn out that this is a blessing in disguise?

NorthLDNgal Sun 07-Dec-14 20:29:10

Thanks for all the kind words!

Yes, it's a roller-coaster alright, have days when I feel ok, usually during the week when I'm at work and doing things like yoga in the evening. The weekends are quite hard as I feel his absence very strongly then. Even if I go out with friends, there's a point in the evening when I start crying and feel like I can't get out of bed the next day. I haven't been to the supermarket for a month. It makes me feel quite pathetic. But, as most of you have said, I've heard it's meant to get better eventually. I think if we were in contact it would be harder and neither of us would move on in the way we need to.

The date was probably too soon and a bit selfish but it did make me realise that there are other men out there. We had a nice time but of course I am not ready to even be in that headspace.

Even though things weren't perfect (are they ever?) he was my best friend as well as my DP and I just miss him terribly.

HumblePieMonster Sun 07-Dec-14 20:29:40

Yes, they'll get better but not yet. Don't expect too much of yourself. Join in any 'enjoyable' activities going on and eventually you'll realise you haven't thought of him for ages.

elsabelle Sun 07-Dec-14 21:19:54

Oh NorthLDNgal, i feel like i could be reading about myself. I havent been to Tescos once since the split - we always enjoyed shopping together and its just too upsetting! I have changed to Sainsburys ;-)

I miss exP so so much too, even though i shouldn't because i am worth more. Weekend mornings are a killer for me too, if i have plans then its usually for later in the day / evening but i hate being in the house alone - i just drift around drinking coffee and sobbing. I've actually started doing some voluntary work now to recreate that weekday morning routine and give me some new things to focus on. Maybe that's something you could consider?

Well done for at least trying a date. Like you said, good to remind yourself that there are other people out there, and when you are ready you can try dating properly.


NorthLDNgal Sun 07-Dec-14 21:27:46

Elsabelle - same here too, cooking and our allotment was a big thing in our home life and I miss both. It was Aldi's for us so I am changing to Asda ;-)

I find that I go out on Friday evenings because that is the worst night to go home and be alone, and then by Saturday I don't have any mental or physical energy to do anything constructive even driving to see family. I'm part of the WI so will try to keep up with that and make time for my family.The weather doesn't help but I am making excuses of course.

Thanks for the kind words Elsabelle. I hope things will feel a bit cheerier for you too eventually. You said it was several months ago - do you feel like you are making some progress? The volunteering sounds like a very positive thing to do.


elsabelle Sun 07-Dec-14 22:17:10

Yes the weather makes it worse i'm sure. Cold, dark evenings are depressing and make you feel like snuggling sad

To be honest I dont feel like its getting any easier but think thats because i've suffered a bereavement at the same time and also me and exP work in the same place which is definitely delaying the healing.

Try to stay positive and strong if you can. Good you are seeing people and socialising even if your heart's not always in it. My friends are really getting me through it, there are still days when i think i just cant cope anymore but i am still here! xx

NorthLDNgal Sun 07-Dec-14 22:57:53

Oh dear, that's tough I'm so sorry. flowers
Life really throws some lessons doesn't it? I really hope you can find a way of distancing yourself from the situation. Is a transfer or new job possible?

Good friends are everything. Big hugs and thank you for your support.


Dowser Mon 08-Dec-14 09:54:46

Can you get a few days abroad in some sunshine. Tenerife just 4.5 hours away and still lovely this time of year.

I'd rather have a few days on my own than with a man treating me badly/ making me feel miserable.

I had a few of those type of holidays.

Dowser Mon 08-Dec-14 09:57:40

Btw..for anyone going through grief of anykind homeopathic ignatia 30 for grief ( that's what feeling bereft is ) is a great pick me up.

Google it and it's sold in h and b just pop one when you feel like that.

It really does help.

NorthLDNgal Wed 10-Dec-14 23:01:59

Hi Dowser, I am looking in to holidays in January. Tenerife is a good suggestion. Thanks for the tip on the Ignatia 30 too.

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