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Tell me i'm doing the right thing

(29 Posts)
fairgame Sun 07-Dec-14 18:13:13

Cut a very long story short.
DP and I have had a very on/off relationship since 2003. I mean gaps of a few years where we have been NC then got back together then NC etc etc.

Anyway August 2013 i had to get in touch with him due to a CSA issue (we have one child) after being NC since March 2010. After the CSA issue was resolved he began texting me which then led to us meeting up and we got on really well.
We decided that things seemed to be going well and we would give it another go. He wouldn't commit fully to us being a relationship but would stay a few nights a week until May when he decided to move to the other end of the country with work. We continued to see each other, him coming to mine and sometimes me going to his and it was all going ok.

Then he came to stay in October. He was a bit off with me and made me feel a bit uncomfortable. Then last month i didn't hear from him for about 2 weeks but then when i kind of gave up on him he came back into my life full force, constantly texting me etc. Until last week. He got angry on Tuesday because i have just gone back to work after being on benefits for the past year. He is upset because i earn more than him because i get tax credits - not my fault, i am claiming legitimately. After his little strop he apologised i thought everything was back on track. But i haven't heard from him since until tonight. He has messaged me on Skype to say that he has nothing more to say to me. He doesn't feel anything for me and doesn't want to be with me and never will.
This is has really upset me but now i'm getting really angry. He has said this a few times before when he has thrown a strop then changed his mind 2 weeks later. This time i'm not taking his shit. I've deleted his number out of my phone, deleted him off Skype and blocked him on Whatsapp. I've told him that i hope he is happy and i won't ever contact him again and have deleted his number and he replied with 'lol ok'.

I do love him and i really want to be with him but he treats me like shit because i have always let him get away with it. He is never going to commit to me or treat me decently is he? Going NC again is definitely the right thing to do isn't it?
I feel like i won't ever love anybody like i love him but he clearly doesn't feel the same about me does he. I feel like removing him from my life is very final and i'm doubting myself.

P.s. He doesn't have any contact with DS because he can't cope with him (DS has SN) so he won't be able to worm his way back in my life by using DS.

AnyFucker Sun 07-Dec-14 18:18:57

Yes, you should have done it a long time ago

I am struggling to comprehend why anyone would piss on such a person even if they were burning

AnyFucker Sun 07-Dec-14 18:20:10

The thing with your son ? That should have been a dealbreaker

iwasyoungonce Sun 07-Dec-14 18:22:36

Good god. Run for the hills and don't ever look back. Ever.

fairgame Sun 07-Dec-14 18:26:53

I've tried before but he always worms his way back in. I don't know how he does it. My Dad says he has some sort of hold over me, nobody can understand it. Part of it is probably me wanting to have a proper family unit and there is only him that can give me that. I find it so hard to let go of him.
God i sound so pathetic. I know it's wrong i really do and i know he is a complete twat but yet i haven't been able to let go. Until now.

fairgame Sun 07-Dec-14 18:27:21

I've tried before but he always worms his way back in. I don't know how he does it. My Dad says he has some sort of hold over me, nobody can understand it. Part of it is probably me wanting to have a proper family unit and there is only him that can give me that. I find it so hard to let go of him.
God i sound so pathetic. I know it's wrong i really do and i know he is a complete twat but yet i haven't been able to let go. Until now.

Bogeyface Sun 07-Dec-14 18:27:45

Blimey, I would have kicked him into touch a long time ago.

Do you know why you "love" him so much? Because he is emotionally unavailable. Could you imagine having someone so stroppy and childish in your life full time? Someone who wont care for his own son?

Can you just imagine how awful your life would be if he really did commit to you?

This is the classic case of "treat her mean and keep her keen" and sadly its worked. You want him because you cant have him, as soon as you had him properly I guarantee you would be wondering why you fought all those years for such a "prize".

You were his fall back. I would bet the mortgage money on him only coming back to you each his latest GF has kicked him into touch, not because he wanted you per se. Sorry but the fact that he would cheerfully go years without seeing you points to you being the stop gap between his legitimate relationships. I very much doubt that any of his exes even know that you or his son exist. I really am sorry to say all of this but I think you need to realise this in order to be able to move on.

May I suggest some counselling to look into why you allowed yourself to be taken in by this lothario and why you allowed yourself to be treated so badly?

AnyFucker Sun 07-Dec-14 18:29:44

No, you are fooling yourself

You already said he "can't deal" with his son, so how could you possibly be a "family unit" ?

I suggest you seek individual counselling to find out why you accept so little in a relationship and make a start on the Freedom Programme ASAP

Bogeyface Sun 07-Dec-14 18:29:57

Part of it is probably me wanting to have a proper family unit and there is only him that can give me that

Why only him? You could find a nice man who treats you and your son with the love and respect you deserve and have a perfectly happy and "proper" family with him. You could even have more children if you so wished.

I can tell you one thing without fear of contradiction though, if there is one man on the whole of this earth that CANNOT give you a proper family unit, it is your ex.

Meerka Sun 07-Dec-14 18:35:08

He is upset because i earn more than him because i get tax credits - not my fault, i am claiming legitimately

good god, has he got issues or what?

so ... he picks you up and puts you down when he wants.

He ignores his own son special needs or not.

Would you want your son to grow up to treat women as this man treats you?

You are quite right. Going NC is not only the right thing to do, it's essential.

There are much, much, much better men out there, fairgame. Is your MN name by any chance because you feel like fair game for anyone who says nice things to you? You're not. You're worth much much more.

You're entitled to be treated as a true partner and with respect, as well as treating others that way!

LineRunner Sun 07-Dec-14 18:36:33

He has shunned his/your son but you have been in a relationship with him?

Can you explain a little more? I think it will help you to lay it all out.

fairgame Sun 07-Dec-14 18:38:11

I would bet the mortgage money on him only coming back to you each his latest GF has kicked him into touch

This bit is actually completely true. He always comes back to me because apparently nobody else is quite like me and i have always fallen for it.
Part of me is wondering if he has met someone else and that's why he has decided to end things.
I'm completely not a door mat in any other aspect of my life except for him. I've always been feisty and very independent. I even took the council to tribunal this year over my son's school placement so i'm not a weak pathetic pushover. Nobody understands how he does it.

OhDearMuriel Sun 07-Dec-14 18:43:19

He's a user then, and you have just wasted nearly 12 years on the selfish piece of shit.
Let this be the last time.
Never short-change yourself again.
Good luck.

fairgame Sun 07-Dec-14 18:51:31

Honestly linerunner it would take pages to explain everything that has happened over the years.
DP used to have contact with DS when he was a toddler but it didn't last for very long, i will admit that i was very bitter when we first split and i made it very difficult for him. Not my finest moment but i can't change the past.

When he got in contact last year he came to see me and DS was obviously here as well. He last saw DS in 2010 when he was 6 but didn't take him on his own because he behaviour was really extreme, even i struggled to manage him. So he has been seeing DS for the past year or so when he has visited us and we have visited him but he won't take DS by himself. He can't cope with DS's behaviours, he doesn't have the patience. In a way i'm glad he admits it rather than him take DS and lose his temper. I have no problem being there if he wants contact but i know he won't ask for it.
I am very lucky that DS isn't bothered at all as to whether or not he sees his Dad as long as i am here he doesn't really care who else is in his life.

Twinklestein Sun 07-Dec-14 18:57:28

He does it because you let him. If you didn't nothing he tried would work.

Rather than thinking he's the one person you can have a family unit with, he's clearly the one person you can't.

If you want to make that dream a reality then you need to move on and invest in someone worthwhile who shares your goals.

AnyFucker Sun 07-Dec-14 18:58:35

I am glad your son is not bothered about his father but how sad is that ? Every boy should have some sort of positive relationship with his father, whether resident or not (excepting where there is abuse or safety issues, of course)

This is going to sound very harsh, but you are coming across as someone who puts a relationship with a man before the emotional well being of a child. I don't expect you to take that very well but why the hell would you continue to subject him to this useless character whom you know just picks you up when his current shag has fucked him off.

Please make this is the last time you do that.

Fontella Sun 07-Dec-14 19:03:02

It shows you what an immature wanker he is when he replied with 'lol ok'.

He obviously doesn't think you'll follow through OP - so this time show him he's wrong.

You say you love him, but read back what you've written here and all that's gone in your relationship over the years .. and honestly, what is there to love about the selfish piece of shit (I nicked that off OhDearMuriel but it does sum him up rather well).

I think perhaps you are in love with what you'd like him to be, the glimpses of the man he sometimes shows you, the family unit you long for (and that's never going to happen if he 'can't deal' with his own son ffs).

You are most definitely doing the right thing by kicking this fucker into touch once and for all.

lemisscared Sun 07-Dec-14 19:03:38

You seriously telling me you are giving this man the time of day? can't cope with his DS becauase he has SN???

Your poor son.

lemisscared Sun 07-Dec-14 19:06:35

oh and trust me, your DS very much is bothered by his father flitting in and out of his life, have you even considered that this may be responsible for some of his behaviours? SN aside.


LineRunner Sun 07-Dec-14 19:07:39

Such a sad story. Make it into a happy one.

You know how.

AnyFucker Sun 07-Dec-14 19:10:32

I agree that your son is very much bothered. If not now, he will be in a few years time. If your son can train himself to make his own father have the kind of lesser role in his life that his dickhead father deserves, then so can you. Take your son's lead.

fairgame Sun 07-Dec-14 19:11:04

I had to make a decision as to whether to give DP another chance with DS or not. He seemed to have changed when he first came back last year, saying all the right things and bringing toys for DS and seemed to be making an effort. I didn't want to stop DP from trying to form a relationship with DS. He really seemed to have a different attitude and was especially mature over the CSA cock up which he would have kicked off over a few years back.
I've given him a chance and it obviously hasn't worked out. I've tried to do the right thing, especially after i more or less prevented contact when we first split.
If DS had been distressed in anyway then i of course i would have stopped it all ages ago but he has been fine with it all.

AnyFucker Sun 07-Dec-14 19:12:10

Sorry to bang on, but this also needs pointing out

No decent bloke will come near while you are still entertaining this knobhead on any level whether on/off or not. You are sabotaging yourself.

lemisscared Sun 07-Dec-14 19:15:21

You feel shit about this arsewipe messing YOU around, how do you think your DS feels when he has no control over the situation whatsoever, the poor thing probably doesn't know which way is up and is going to feel very insecure in himself because of it.

CarbeDiem Sun 07-Dec-14 19:28:10

Nobody understands how he does it
Honestly, because he knows he can.
Maybe he can't cope with your ds but that's so selfish of him as there's been nothing stopping him having contact in your home or in your presence if he really wanted to.
Do yourself the biggest favour that you will ever do and get rid of him. You deserve much better.

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