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Confused by fucked up family & Christmas visit.(19 Posts)
I hope this isnt triggering for anyone out there as I will not be giving details, but the subject is CSA and the fall out it has had on me & my family.
Very very very long and complex story short.
I began having flashbacks to my abuse when I was pregnant with DS1, seven years ago.
I had (almost?) completely blocked this out of my memory, although my life has been pretty fucked up. I'm the classic 'faliure to thrive' survivour.
I shared with my husband and we struggeled on supporting each other as best we could. But all the emotions
of our beautiful new baby were wrapped up in these new/old revelations about my past. There were some very
unhappy and dark times for us during the early days of both our kids lives.
When DS1 was about 18months I felt the need to tell my mum. Thought it would help, thought she might be able to help me peice some things together & hopefully start to feel better.
(I cant begin to even start at how bad my mums response to my disclosure was. It did not make me feel better.
Just how badly wrong she got it would require a whole forum of its own. So I'll stick to the one that is relevant to my current dilema.)
I think I need to do this bit in chronilogical list order for it to make sence...
As I aws disclosing to my mum she did not want to "hear anymore about it" (and many other fucked up things)
I didnt talk about it.
I became more and more ill as it ate me apart.
My mum tells my brother, my dad & a cousin, without asking me first.
My brother has not looked me in the eye since, or met our 2nd son.
Still, my folks play happy families as if nothing is wrong.I keep my mouth shut.
Christmas 2012 (DS2 1st christmas) Parents come to our house and bring my brother.
I lose the plot, freaking out screaming at them all to fuck off out of our house.
I get very very ill, dissociating almost daily. I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD. I spend 12 month in therapy and unravel not only the sexual abuse I suffered but the twistedness of my controlling mother, enabelling father and the fact, that what
happened in my house when I was growing up was far from 'normal'
I have zero contact with parents for 6months. Husband facilitates visits with kids. Explain I have PTSD to my parents. But I dont think they ever listened.
I disclose to a few people close to me, all with wonderful, loving and caring responses*
Through therapy and support, I get well.( I'm still working on it, daily, but I'm healing well)
Just as we are about to move from the uk,I find out through a very dear cousin who I had also confided in, that my mum had told all of the rest of my extended family about what had happen to me. The abuse bit, not the PTSD bit. And that I was punishing them for what happened to me.
I see my mum & dad once, after giving them chance to explain. She told me it was her story to tell...and that she had every right to do so. Errm? No, wrong answer mum!
Then we leave the country to live in europe (long planned)
Having little contact with my folks has been easy. Sweet justice. They know that if they even try any of
their shit, the minimal (i really put no effort in) skype sessions will end. And they wont see the kids at all at christmas. Or possibly ever again.
They will never admit they were wrong. They will never be able to get under my skin again. they will never have as close a relationship with our boys as they would like, but tough shit. They wont get get chance to
get under thier skin either.
18months we've been in europe now. And the set up is suiting us fine. We're back in the uk this christmas,
Most of our time is filled visiting friends with new babies
We have arranged a lunch with my parents at a cavery with playzone. So far they are not rocking the boat of preasuring for more time with the kids.
Now, when I was very ill I disclosed to one of my aunts. See* above. She had been mythering me via facebook and one low morning I blurted it all out.
She was great & said all the right things.
Now, something is bugging me.
My aunt has asked via facebook message last week if we will get chance to see her at Christmas.
I didnt get chance to really talk with her properly before we left, but when I asked her if she and my other auntys knew from my mum, she said yes, but that my mum had told them not to say anything. I was cross that she was unable to say that she knew to me and made me feel weird that I'd been, brave, yes, brave enough to disclose to her. She apologised. But Its still made me feel a bit weird and have not really made the effort to stay in contact . a couple of facebook likes etc.
I scrolled up through some old messages from aunty and my mind got ticking...
(if you are still here, thank you...)
I have cross referenced from the message from my cousin (the one who wasnt too chicken shit to tell me the fambo were gossiping, love you cuz x) And from the dates, I think I've figured out that my Aunty already knew when I disclosed to her.
Now I cant be sure without asking her.
But if she knew all along and let me pour it all out to her, thats just wrong & weird issnt it.
Why did she not say something...?
How do I get to the bottom of this? I think I need to ask her, but dont know how to phrase that question.
Or if any responce will actually make me feel better?
As far as the rest of the family who know, not ONE of them contactted me while I ws ill, or has bothered to do so since. They are almost definatley in the 'you're punishing you parents camp'. I couldnt give a crap
about them. But I dont want to completly write off my aunty just yet.
How to proceed?
Since being ill I've become somewhat phone-phobic, so I'll have to email/facebook.
Sorry its so long, and happy to fill in some details or clarify.
god, that really long & unspellchecked due to toddler wranggling, sorry.
Maybe she felt she could help you more by listening to you than by cutting you off with an 'I know'. Also she didn't want to hurt you?
Maybe she felt you needed to get it off your chest to her in your own way, rather than her upsetting you by saying "Oh I already know all about that".
I would give her the benefit of the doubt.
So sorry you are struggling.
Agreed. It sounds like the dynamics are still fucked but what else could she say - if she said 'let me stop you there, I already know' that would have completely thrown you.
She cares. That is good reason to keep in touch. Remember that, before you do anything.
I agree. If she knew she probably realised, unlike your mum, that it was your story to tell. I don't really understand why you want to see any of your family at all. If you think it will be difficult and you're not looking forward to it - don't do it. I'm nc with my mum and it's been the best decision I've made.
check who will be there before meeting with the aunt. just in case.
I don't know, maybe she wanted to let you tell her, it wasn't her fault if she already knew. If she reacted "well" and has been kind to you maybe it doesn't matter?
But I really really think you should have nothing more to do with the rest of them ever again. No contact. What is there to gain from contact apart from pain hurt and fucking you up again?
So sorry your going through this
A few points
Your aunt knew, but she had your mums version of events
She might have wanted to support you for a while, but it's not a subject you can a outright ask about, she may have wanted to hear the true story from the horses mouth so to speak.
Just because your mum told people doesn't make everyone think she was right to tell or believe her version of events.
My sense is she might not want to frighten you in to no contact and is trying to be gentle approach wise, but to an abuse survivor can be misconstrued as a threat.
Your senses are on hyper alert and any sniff of smoke when you cannot see a fire will cast you straight back in that dark time.
Can I also recommend a charity called PODS positive outcomes for Dissasociative survivors. You will recognise everything they say on their website. They are a charity for sexual abuse survivors and train therapists for survivors such as yourself.
They also write a lot of publications that are free to access on their site, they are on Google Twitter and are legit.
All the best lovely
er.. WHY are you bothering to see any of them?
why on earth would you/dh take your children to see any of them?
they have utterly, utterly failed you.
worse still, they undermined you, and all of them have not been there for you when you were really hurting, because of shit that happened on their watch.
please go NC and live oyou life happy without them.
you don't have to have abusers/enablers/rock throwers in your life.
She probably preferred to hear it directly from you than rely on second hand info. I would probably do the same. I would want to hear directly from the person affected. I would not want to put them off by saying that I heard the story already. If your aunt had done so, would you have felt comfortable to re-tell your story?
Very sorry you have gone (and still are going) through a tough time.
I don't know what the 'mythering via Facebook' consisted of, but the thing to keep in mind is that whether she did or didn't know (and if I knew, there's no way I'd raise it with the victim outright), she left you to tell her in your own way, when you wanted and her response was, you say, appropriate.
Thanks for replies.
I get that she may not have wanted to stop me in my tracks. But there were plenty of further chats where she could have mentioned it...?
Its not clear for my OP, but it was over a period of 12 months of chatting with her, and most of that time she knew.
I'm not sure if her knowing from my disclosure or knowing beforehand from my mum makes a difference. She knew something for a long time and said nothing.
I just cant get my head around that.
Its the hush -hush secrecy bit of it all. This is part of the whole problem of how abuse is so rife and goes un-notice or unchallenged.
Its made it feel all like dirty secret again, a secret everyone else was in on but me.
I know she cares. And i know shed love to have a little bit of time with the boys.
Maybe I'm anxious about the whole visit and this is sticking with me, more than it should?
Hoodie- believe me, We have concidered NC, but realised we could do minimal contact and save ourselves an awful lot of grief from family who would get involved if we did the big FUCK YOU ;)
This christmas will be a big test, but I now know NO is a full sentence and NO INTERNET ACCESS is a brilliant and unquestionable excuse.
Its working for now, but NC is not completly off the cards if we have to.
and many cross posts...
thank you all.
They did fail me
Balls, this is more than bugging me isnt it. Shit.
I agree with PP, I think she wanted you to tell her your story yourself. If she had interjected with "oh by the way I know", it would have thrown you and possibly would have been more upsetting.
In regard to your parents, your mother sounds as though she wanted to make this 'all about her' by portraying 'them' as the unfortunate victims
ahem as if!. They are incredibly lucky that you are a bigger person in allowing them some contact with your children, personally after what they have done I would have walked away and not looked back.
I think you are incredibly brave and your sons will grow up to be proud of their strong mother.
The facebook mythering was every other day of "hiya, you ok" "not chatted for a while" 'Hows things" We wouldnt normally be in this much contact.
I was pretty fucked up at this stage, and can see now she was (might have been) fishing... I missed that at the time. And actually dont think I would have chosen to disclose to her. It was more of an angry NO IM NOT FUCKING OK disclosure, rather than, because I thought she would be a trusted confidant.
That last post sounds very ungrateful.She really was very kind.
I can totally see how she would have been/is coming from a good place. And understand now how difficult it may have been for her to tell me, and that others would have had the same difficulties and done the same.
Not sure if I would or could keep schtum if in the same position???
Thanks for the link Guilty. Think i need a little therapy top up.
Hissy - that is my Angry Day internal monolgue... I dont have too many of those these days thankfully.
Angel - thats exactly it with my parents/mum... and then some.
Maybe I need to reconsider NC? What I have posted here is a small amount, and by no means the worst of what my mum has done/said.
Thanks all. got some thinkin to do.
Op theremhave been occasions before when I've kept quiet about the fact that I already knew something, mainly cos I felt that I SHOULDNT know and wanted the person to tell me in their own time, rather than making them feel shite that someone had told me their personal stuff.
Ditto the others who say this was your story to tell and her wanting to let you talk.
In addition to that though, you need to talk about what happened, when the subject of your mother comes into this, that anger of her overshadows this and you don't get to talk through your historical abuse b
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