I hope this isnt triggering for anyone out there as I will not be giving details, but the subject is CSA and the fall out it has had on me & my family.
Very very very long and complex story short.
I began having flashbacks to my abuse when I was pregnant with DS1, seven years ago.
I had (almost?) completely blocked this out of my memory, although my life has been pretty fucked up. I'm the classic 'faliure to thrive' survivour. :(
I shared with my husband and we struggeled on supporting each other as best we could. But all the emotions
of our beautiful new baby were wrapped up in these new/old revelations about my past. There were some very
unhappy and dark times for us during the early days of both our kids lives.
When DS1 was about 18months I felt the need to tell my mum. Thought it would help, thought she might be able to help me peice some things together & hopefully start to feel better.
(I cant begin to even start at how bad my mums response to my disclosure was. It did not make me feel better.
Just how badly wrong she got it would require a whole forum of its own. So I'll stick to the one that is relevant to my current dilema.)
I think I need to do this bit in chronilogical list order for it to make sence...
As I aws disclosing to my mum she did not want to "hear anymore about it" (and many other fucked up things)
I didnt talk about it.
Happy families?
I became more and more ill as it ate me apart.
My mum tells my brother, my dad & a cousin, without asking me first.
My brother has not looked me in the eye since, or met our 2nd son.
Still, my folks play happy families as if nothing is wrong.I keep my mouth shut.
Christmas 2012 (DS2 1st christmas) Parents come to our house and bring my brother.
I lose the plot, freaking out screaming at them all to fuck off out of our house.
I get very very ill, dissociating almost daily. I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD. I spend 12 month in therapy and unravel not only the sexual abuse I suffered but the twistedness of my controlling mother, enabelling father and the fact, that what
happened in my house when I was growing up was far from 'normal'
I have zero contact with parents for 6months. Husband facilitates visits with kids. Explain I have PTSD to my parents. But I dont think they ever listened.
I disclose to a few people close to me, all with wonderful, loving and caring responses*
Through therapy and support, I get well.( I'm still working on it, daily, but I'm healing well)
Just as we are about to move from the uk,I find out through a very dear cousin who I had also confided in, that my mum had told all of the rest of my extended family about what had happen to me. The abuse bit, not the PTSD bit. And that I was punishing them for what happened to me.
I see my mum & dad once, after giving them chance to explain. She told me it was her story to tell...and that she had every right to do so. Errm? No, wrong answer mum!
Then we leave the country to live in europe (long planned) :)
Having little contact with my folks has been easy. Sweet justice. They know that if they even try any of
their shit, the minimal (i really put no effort in) skype sessions will end. And they wont see the kids at all at christmas. Or possibly ever again.
They will never admit they were wrong. They will never be able to get under my skin again. they will never have as close a relationship with our boys as they would like, but tough shit. They wont get get chance to
get under thier skin either.
18months we've been in europe now. And the set up is suiting us fine. We're back in the uk this christmas,
Most of our time is filled visiting friends with new babies :)
We have arranged a lunch with my parents at a cavery with playzone. So far they are not rocking the boat of preasuring for more time with the kids.
Now, when I was very ill I disclosed to one of my aunts. See* above. She had been mythering me via facebook and one low morning I blurted it all out.
She was great & said all the right things.
Now, something is bugging me.
My aunt has asked via facebook message last week if we will get chance to see her at Christmas.
I didnt get chance to really talk with her properly before we left, but when I asked her if she and my other auntys knew from my mum, she said yes, but that my mum had told them not to say anything. I was cross that she was unable to say that she knew to me and made me feel weird that I'd been, brave, yes, brave enough to disclose to her. She apologised. But Its still made me feel a bit weird and have not really made the effort to stay in contact . a couple of facebook likes etc.
I scrolled up through some old messages from aunty and my mind got ticking...
(if you are still here, thank you...)
I have cross referenced from the message from my cousin (the one who wasnt too chicken shit to tell me the fambo were gossiping, love you cuz x) And from the dates, I think I've figured out that my Aunty already knew when I disclosed to her.
Now I cant be sure without asking her.
But if she knew all along and let me pour it all out to her, thats just wrong & weird issnt it.
Why did she not say something...?
How do I get to the bottom of this? I think I need to ask her, but dont know how to phrase that question.
Or if any responce will actually make me feel better?
As far as the rest of the family who know, not ONE of them contactted me while I ws ill, or has bothered to do so since. They are almost definatley in the 'you're punishing you parents camp'. I couldnt give a crap
about them. But I dont want to completly write off my aunty just yet.
How to proceed?
Since being ill I've become somewhat phone-phobic, so I'll have to email/facebook.
Sorry its so long, and happy to fill in some details or clarify.
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Confused by fucked up family & Christmas visit.
18 replies
SantanaBinLorry · 07/12/2014 16:06
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