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Lightbulb moment

(14 Posts)
Ohreallyisthat Sun 07-Dec-14 14:43:42

I've been married for just over 5 years and have two kids with my husband. We've pretty much had nonstop issues since we became parents with me not really being happy with his lack of enthusiasm about anything to do with kids, feeling like a single parent and being told it was 'my job' at one point. Well it's taken me this long to realise that he's just not interested in family life in general. He wants to do what he wants to do when he wants to. Sure he will do stuff with the kids but really only when it's instigated by the kids themselves. One of my kids hardly speaks to him, now that's not intentional since he's only young but I know it's because his dad doesn't say anything to him. It's weird. Totally weird. I've given up on everything relating to him and took a step back and it's almost like I've had my blinkers removed. Anyone else experienced same thing?

Ohreallyisthat Sun 07-Dec-14 14:44:27

I may add all he wants is regular sex! What a catch

daisychainmail Sun 07-Dec-14 14:50:23

Are you a stay at home mum? Does he have regular things he does with the kids? I know someone whose ex wife was like your husband (without the regular sex bit -- well she did want it, but from ahem people outside the marriage). He said he really started to hate her after they had kids because of her attitude to them and family life in general.

Drumdrum60 Sun 07-Dec-14 14:53:24

Yes. It's because he is immature and selfish. I know been there worn the t shirt. Much more common than we think maybe. The really frustrating part is they seem to think they're right which ends up becoming a breeding ground of frustration and resentment.
If you want to continue you may have to lower your expectations. Remember he probably has the emotional age of a teenager or make it clear and set boundries but be prepared to follow through.
Why is his mind elsewhere have you considered that?

Ohreallyisthat Sun 07-Dec-14 15:12:12

Yes I know he's immature and yes he does think he is right all the time I've realised only recently how totally rigid he is. Sex is an issue between us. He wants it I'm not bothered. But today I just looked at him and thought yes you may pay the bulk of the bills ... I work part time ... But I all other respects he's like a dead beat dad. Sickening when the penny finally drops after all the ups and downs and scratching of head and gas lightening etc. I swear I've been blind all these years ... But how come ? I'm pretty intelligent I think!

CogitOIOIO Sun 07-Dec-14 15:29:23

How come? Probably because, like a lot of people, you thought marriage and kids was what you both wanted when really he liked the idea of a family but not the actual effort involved. So you overlooked the obvious faults, ploughed on with the plan regardless having more children etc and thought he'd magically grow up somewhere along the way. Instead you find you've grown apart.

Trills Sun 07-Dec-14 15:43:36

One of my kids hardly speaks to him

Do you notice that you say they are "my" kids, not "our" kids?

Ohreallyisthat Sun 07-Dec-14 15:48:34

Yeah that's normal for me unless I'm talking to someone in real life or I post on facebook I will use our ...

Ohreallyisthat Sun 07-Dec-14 15:50:55

It's kind of scary but you don't reLly know how someone will be as a father until you have children with them ... Then you're attached to some degree for life ... We don't live near family so I never got to see interaction with cousins off spring etc. though tbh I wasn't even thinking along those lines back then I was too in love to think deeply ... Does anyone analyse that type of thing beforehand ... When dealing with a first marriage?

ImperialBlether Sun 07-Dec-14 16:07:57

So you don't have the problem of what to tell the children, if you do split up, do you?

What will you do now? You can't stay the same, can you? It's heartbreaking for us to read about a child who doesn't bother talking to their parent.

Meerka Sun 07-Dec-14 16:15:35

out of (maybe unjustified) curiosity ohreally - does he do his fair share of housework?

Ohreallyisthat Sun 07-Dec-14 16:35:48

It's not that he doesn't talk to his dad it's that his dad will sit there quiet doing his own thing and the boy won't start a conversation with him. Sorry if I gave the wrong impression. They do talk it's just that one child instigates the conversation yet the other doesn't whereas I think the adult should do the instigating! He works long hours so sees very little of them. I appreciate he ends his downtime but why save all your energy for bloody work! Housework yes and no he works very long hours so I pick up the slack in that regard. He will chip in but not regularly

I just wondered if it was common I chat with other mums and see other couples and so many husbands are like utter slobs with their wives doing all the running round. And the wives don't seem to mind. I just do t get the lack of interest or lack of enjoyment out of spending quality time with your kids since why put them on earth if you're not gonna nurture the?

Meerka Sun 07-Dec-14 16:58:14

If he has a choice about where to put his available hours and chooses to sink them into work, that's a bad sign.

I did actually weigh up if my husbnad would pull his weight and be a good father but I was pig-sick of clearing up after previous partners' mess blush. I'd apologise for being so practical but you know, I'm not going to.

Pretty sure that a lot of women do do all the childrearing and the housestuff but actually mind quite a bit on the quiet (with a minority who prefer it that way!) They just don't let it show. How many of your acquaintances knew you were fed up with his approach to the children?

TheLittleOneSaidRollOver Sun 07-Dec-14 17:10:33

Even if you have noticed that it is common that so many husbands are like utter slobs it doesn't mean you have to put up with it.

My DH goes out of his way to spend quality time with the DC. He works very long hours too.

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