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Rape? Or am I just an idiot? Or both? (may be graphic)

(365 Posts)
bringoutyourdead Sun 07-Dec-14 13:40:35

NC. Hope it works. Apologies for typos etc haven't slept, probably still under the influence and freezing cold fingers.

I probably haven't posted in the right place but I post quite a bit in relationships and know people are straight forward and/or supportive if necessary.

I went out for my work Xmas do last night. I drank quite a lot. I was supposed to stay at a friends but didn't. I went with a strange man (boy? Man? He was probably younger than me). I dont remember how I got talking to him or where or why. I just remember being in a taxi with him, and a friend calling and me explaining I wouldn't be going to the other friends with them. Anyway we ended up at a house (not his by what he said?) and having sex. It was not the drunk casual sex I had planned or like. Basically we had anal sex. I am agreeable to it sometimes but it's the sort of thing I "reserve" for LTRs when there's trust etc. I remember hitting him quite a few times for hurting me (like hits to the body) and saying "ow" etc. He was asking questions like is that good (in the "sexy" not caring way)....and I was saying no. But I never said "dont have sex with me" i dont think.

I stayed and was sick a lot in the night. I left a few things there (because they were covered in my sick anyway) and snuck out in the morning. I didn't have any cash with me so couldn't get home. I knew roughly where I was and after walking for about an hour found a cash machine and a bus stop.

I'm home now and safe but in some pain. I noticed after that he had used baby oil as a lube (pretty sure that affects condoms?) so pain wise it could be worse. I have burns on my knees presumably from carpet. I was sort of led face down on it in a living room.

I dont even know why I'm posting now that I've told "the story". I feel really confused about what happened. I think he took advantage a bit and that's making me angry. I'm so angry at myself, though. Is what happened rape, or me being an idiot? A work friend text to check I was ok. I didn't know what to say, can't exactly explain.

I don't know what I want. Someone to tell me I haven't done anything wrong and I'll forget about it soon enough. But I know I've been a dick and it's going to play on my mind sad

Shadow1986 Sun 07-Dec-14 14:04:09

Glad you're home safe and sound OP.

Jesus, I don't really know.
Only you can say if it was rape or not as we only have small details but from the sounds of it, no you probably weren't raped but yes he probably has taken advantage. Was he drunk? Were you sick before or after sex (so he knew how drunk you were?) from the sounds of it you were conscious and able to talk and not so drunk you were barely conscious. Do you remember kissing him?

It's a similar situation I've been in myself, which is why I stopped drinking. I hated not having my full memory of what had happened the night before. But with my experience I definitely know I was willing but just stupid stupid drunk and didn't know what I was doing.

I think if you were raped you would categorically know you had been. Just because you feel sore etc you are maybe questioning it more but that's pretty normal after drunk sex in my opinion.

Hope you're ok OP. Don't have a bath or anything till you've really thought about all this.

dontcallmehon22 Sun 07-Dec-14 14:04:10

I don't know what to advise - it's difficult to say but it sounds as if you were too drunk to consent in any case. It sounds traumatic for you. Could your drink have been spiked? Thinking of you and someone more helpful will be along soon x

MuttonCadet Sun 07-Dec-14 14:09:38

Certainly abused, you must feel shocking (and shocked), look after yourself. If you don't know the guys name or where he lives I don't think contacting the police would be fruitful, but there must be support for people in your situation.

Twinklestein Sun 07-Dec-14 14:15:54

It sounds like an awful experience, but from what you describe it was drunken ill-advised regrettable horrible sex, rather than rape.

I think a lot of women have experience of getting into a situation when drunk they would never have done sober, and doing stuff they regret in retrospect.

Judgement and reactions are not good when you're drunk, so you need to protect yourself.

CogitOIOIO Sun 07-Dec-14 14:23:23

Certainly sounds like a horrible experience and I'm pretty sure it was a sexual assault given the injuries sustained and his insistence in carrying on even though you must have been clearly in pain. You probably had enough alcohol to severely impair your judgement even if it wasn't enough to render you incapable of consent. You were abused. I would suggest you see a doctor pretty urgently and consider reporting it to the police.

bringoutyourdead Sun 07-Dec-14 14:24:35

I don't know if he was drunk. Probably. I was sick after and thinking about it no I don't think he would have known how drunk I was. I don't think I had my drink spiked- I don't drink that often and generally not more than a couple but if I drink more than that I am prone to black outs so I think it was just the alcohol causing memory problems. It is possible that my drink was spiked logistically but really I think I was just drunk.

I am feeling a bit more sober now and tend to agree shadow I think he just took advantage of the situation a bit. There's no way he thought I was enjoying the sex, I wasn't doing any...encouraging...but I didn't tell him to stop I don't think. I assume he wasn't a mind reader.
I was obviously quite drunk- if I'd been more sober I would have protested more, but I wasn't completely obliterated. I could walk and talk.

I don't remember kissing him, no. If we did kiss... we definitely didn't once we started having sex as he was behind me and I was led flat down face on floor so it was just the anal sex. Maybe he would have stopped if he had known how I was feeling, I was almost crying, but I think because I was drunk for some reason I wasn't able or didn't communicate it very well and he couldn't see my face so wouldn't have known. We probably kissed before but I can't remember. I remember some of the sex and putting my clothes on immediately after because I was pissed off.

Thanks for your replies.

bringoutyourdead Sun 07-Dec-14 14:30:39

I am listening to the "be careful" messages by the way. Something similiar happened about 6 years ago (except I was barely conscious so it was more serious) and I have only got "properly" drunk a few times since then as a consequence so I think I shall look at my drinking again more seriously.

Shadow1986 Sun 07-Dec-14 14:32:16

OP said 'it was not the drunk casual sex I had planned or like' so saying that, in addition to you willingly going with him rather than your friends as planned, sounds like you went there expecting sex. However, the grey area really is how it ended up being anal sex and not normal sex. Because you may have been agreeable to normal sex but not anal sex. I don't think any of us can categorically say yes or no whether you were abused. Drunk sex, particularly anal sex is very fumbly and can result in hurting the next day, as horrible as it sounds. OP did you have normal sex first, then switched to anal? Sorry but just trying to figure out exactly what happened.

Shadow1986 Sun 07-Dec-14 14:35:15

We posted at same time. I really don't know OP :-( why don't you try and write down everything you CAN remember in like a chain of events...it might help become clearer? Things also might come back to you.

CogitOIOIO Sun 07-Dec-14 14:35:28

You know it wasn't your fault that this person chose to degrade and abuse you. That you didn't clearly say 'no' is not the be all and end all. A decent person would not have treated you that way in the first place. You say he was a stranger. Did any of your friends see who he was?

GarlicGiftsAndGlitter Sun 07-Dec-14 14:37:22

It was not the sex I had planned ... I remember hitting him quite a few times for hurting me and saying "ow" etc. He was asking questions like is that good ....and I was saying no.

It was rape. Even if you weren't too drunk to consent, which you might have been. Poor you, what a horrible experience. flowers

Should you report him? Up to you. I don't think I would in this particular situation, although he sounds like an absolute cunt who's watched too much porn. Glad you got home okay (in the end!) and do see a doctor if you find you have any injuries.

Be very nice to yourself today!

bringoutyourdead Sun 07-Dec-14 14:37:38

I think we must have had "normal" sex first but not for very long. The anal seemed to go on forever. I dont really remember normal sex but that's probably because it wasn't painful or anything to be worried about so the memory isn't there. I remember the anal sex more vividly because I didn't like it.

Yes I went to relatively willingly (actually I got out the taxi part way through the journey because I didn't know where we were going, but obviously I got back in). Having sex with someone I don't really know is the sort of thing I would do sober, it's only really the fact we had anal sex and that it was painful which is the issue.
I think the lesson is don't drink so much.

ImperialBlether Sun 07-Dec-14 14:39:12

I think it was rape and I think you should call the police. I think your drink was spiked and you didn't know what you were doing. It seems quite clear, reading your opening post.

I am so sorry. It's really important you do something about this now.

It's not possible for you to be so drunk that you don't even remember how you met him and for him not to know that.

Please, call the non-emergency number for the police now and let them deal with it. It's appalling what's happened to you.

ImperialBlether Sun 07-Dec-14 14:39:56

Were there others in the room while he had sex with you?

Matildathecat Sun 07-Dec-14 14:39:57

Sorry this has happened to you. It sounds horrid. None of us can really decide if it was rape, only a jury can do that which of course entails informing the Police and so on. If you don't want to go down that route, please consider contacting Rape Crisis if you want support ( of course you can do that whatever you decide.)

What I would advise, though, is that if you know you are prone to getting drunk quite easily, do get a friend to look out for you. Going off to random properties with random men is really, really dangerous.

Take care of yourself and no long guilt trips, please. We have all done things we would prefer not to have done.

Only1scoop Sun 07-Dec-14 14:43:13

Please be careful....you and your friends need to have a pact to watch each others backs a little more.

I hope you are ok....what a horrid experience.

Shadow1986 Sun 07-Dec-14 14:47:16

I agree with PP who said he's obviously watched too much porn. He sounds like a right dick to be honest. He was obviously pushing his luck to see how far he could go...but when it hurt could you have just pulled away and changed positions or something? but if you say it went on for a while, it sounds like you stayed like that so maybe he thought you were enjoying it? I've had anal sex with my husband and I definitely remember saying ow etc as well when we were drunk.

OP I really feel for you I kind of know how you feel.

Ohreallyisthat Sun 07-Dec-14 14:48:10

Sorry to hear you went through this is there any chance you will bump into him again, does he have your number?

YouAreMyRain Sun 07-Dec-14 14:49:33

If you can't remember how you got talking to him or where or why, then you were not sober enough to give your consent to any form of sex.

I suspect your drink may have been spiked. In any case I would call it rape as you too out of it to consent. Hitting him and saying "ow" was clearly a protest too.

Do you feel up to calling rape crisis?

GarlicGiftsAndGlitter Sun 07-Dec-14 14:49:51

Your OP instantly made me think your drink was spiked, as well. It may just be the way it was written, though - you and your friend are likely to know whether you'd normally have been that drunk at that point.

Just so you know, it's still rape if you consented to one sort of sex but not the other. And you do not have to specifically say "No" - consent isn't presumed! Ringing Rape Crisis is a good idea, they can help you clarify things.

Primaryteach87 Sun 07-Dec-14 14:54:43

Hitting someone and saying "ow" or "no" would ensure any responsible person would stop what they were doing straightaway and ask you if you were okay. I think what other people are saying is that maybe he "didn't mean to" but actually that's only relevant for sentencing not whether you were raped. You have a right to say no at any point, so the fact you were willing to do some things is not the point. If you tell someone they can borrow a pound from your purse and they actually take £20 despite your protestations, it's still theft. I think you should find your nearest rape crisis centre and get support and advice.

msrisotto Sun 07-Dec-14 15:01:36

Only you can say whether you were raped but from my reading - you wouldn't usually consent to anal and were hitting him during the course of it. Doesn't sound very consenting to me.

firstposts Sun 07-Dec-14 15:07:19

So sorry this has happened to you, a decent man would not have behaved this way. You were vulnerable, so vulnerable and a decent man would have put you in a taxi or into bed alone.

Be careful not to 'turn the guns' on yourself. Yes, you drank to much, but that is not a greenlight for a man to do whatever he wants.

I expect you will be feeling a bit numb, and broken and will be churning through it all in your head. If you feel like you need some help to process it, go to your GP. They can refer you on for counselling.

If you have a good friend who you trust it can help to talk about it.

Please be kind and gentle with yourself, whatever label you put on it <and in my mind, you were raped> you have been through a very traumatic experience.

bringoutyourdead Sun 07-Dec-14 15:28:32

Thank you for all the replies. I really appreciate them. I had a power nap and a shower and am a bit shocked now and tearful.
Friends would normally look out for me but it was work friends who I dont go out with socially normally so a bit different.

I wasn't sure about showering but I stank and have work soon. I dont feel up to calling rape crisis but I'm a student so I might find someone to talk to tomorrow through university.

I dont know if anyone saw him. Again awkward because if it were "proper" friends I would feel comfortable asking but I think if I ask they might realise that's happened and I'd rather not make my life work gossip. I can't even remember what he looks like to be honest apart from he was Asian and handsome ish?

No I am pretty sure there was no one else in the room. It seemed like a shared flat (which he said was his friends?) but I didn't hear or see anyone else. The fire was on though so someone else must have been home. I remember thinking that because I was quite loud (saying no etc) that someone might come out but they didn't.

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