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Don't know what to do...

(41 Posts)
Mummyoftwobeautifulpoppets Sun 07-Dec-14 09:36:52

Hope you don't mind me posting this here, not much response yet in Pregnancy Choices (and I know what a straight talking helpful bunch you are, and I need some straight talking right now..)

6 weeks pregnant, found out 2 weeks ago when my period was a little late.

Have 2 wonderful DC at school and preschool, but am a single mum.

Started a relationship a few months ago, my first 'healthy' relationship in many years, with a lovely man. It's been moving at a lovely slow pace (well obviously not that slow!!) in many respects and we're enjoying getting to know each other. Thought we had been careful, I have always been very fertile though, but no excuse; it was irresponsible. He hasn't met the children yet (I had planned on about a year/18 months or so in, if we are still together).
He reacted amazing, told me he would support whatever I decided to do and had been very concerned about how I'm feeling (stark contrast to previous relationships), but I've known him 3 months!

Decided after talking it through with him that a termination was the right option.

So it was decided. I just don't know if I can do it. Physically.

The only other time I was in this position (and got as far as having the tablets in my hand) was five years ago. Beautiful and amazing DD is now standing in front of me with a blanket on her head making ghost noises! Best decision of my life.

Oh god, I don't know what to do.

WildBillfemale Sun 07-Dec-14 10:00:13

Maybe review your contraception choices, they are clearly not working.

TheCowThatLaughs Sun 07-Dec-14 10:05:14

Sorry to hear you've got to make this decision, what are the pros and cons?
Sorry about wildbill's post too hmm

gottachangethename1 Sun 07-Dec-14 10:09:31

That's a helpful answer wild bill hmm.
I'm so sorry that you are in this difficult situation mummyoftwo. It is of course a decision only you can make. The father if your baby sounds supportive, but I can understand you don't feel you've known him long enough to know where to go from here. Do you have a supportive family nearby? Could you manage if you had to ?

planetrees Sun 07-Dec-14 10:13:21

If you feel this way now, then you probably won't go through with a termination. Time for some very in depth discussions I think. Does the prospective father have children already?

Mummyoftwobeautifulpoppets Sun 07-Dec-14 10:18:58

erm unplanned pregnancy has only happened twice and I'm in my late thirties then clearly it does usually work eh Bill.

Thanks very much for the other replies. I do have family close by and good support network. I could manage.

Pros and cons (if this isn't too clinical..)
DC would love another sibling. Lovely extended family, some very close by and help with school runs etc already.

Feels irresponsible. Had bad experiences in previous abusive relationships, this has made me very wary. Promised myself if I had another child it would be in a stable, happy relationship or a marriage, for the other DCs sake.

Mummyoftwobeautifulpoppets Sun 07-Dec-14 10:20:23

That's what I'm thinking Plane. But I feel I have to . No, he's the same age but no children. I think he would like them but we both feel it's very soon

listed Sun 07-Dec-14 10:26:30

I see the cunts are out again. It's like fastest finger first.

Dowser Sun 07-Dec-14 10:31:26

I had an unplanned pregnancy. I was married but knew it was going to be hard. I wasn't very well. It was hard and did get support although no one wanted me to have the baby.

It was actually harder than I thought.

But he grew to be a lovely lad and has given me two fantastic grand children

Personally I would never have forgiven myself. That's my story and thats me. You might think differently.

You can't make a decision while you're in shock either.

Dowser Sun 07-Dec-14 10:35:08

You clearly love children.

Reading between the lines I can't see you being happy to terminate what I think you already see as a living breathing cute toddler.

Have the baby for you and if the man tags along too, it's win/ win.

Mummyoftwobeautifulpoppets Sun 07-Dec-14 10:35:51

Thanks for sharing your experience Dowser, you son and grandchildren sound lovely.
I don't think I will forgive myself, but I don't know how I can have the baby either. I am in shock I think, I've already waited two weeks, but I can safely wait one more., though that might make it worse. I make my mind up to make an appointment with BPAS but then start crying, I'm so pathetic at the moment.

Mummyoftwobeautifulpoppets Sun 07-Dec-14 10:38:33

I do see it already as a cute toddler (how did you know?!!), you're right, I can't. And I know that I'm capable of doing it on my own so you're right - if he tags along then great, but if not, still great.. Thank you, more thinking but at least being more honest with myself!

BlackDaisies Sun 07-Dec-14 10:41:49

What a difficult decision. I think you have to factor in your children. You sensibly decided to wait to introduce your children to your partner. Really he's an unknown. After 3 months you don't know him and your children deserve your knowledge of him to be secure before he becomes part of your family.
If you do decide to keep the baby, even though it seems really difficult as it's his baby too, I would still treat your relationship with him as a new one, I would still hold fire on your children meeting him, and I would talk to him about taking things really slowly despite the new baby.
If that sounds too difficult I would think that perhaps it's not the right time. Your existing children need to come first in all this. Really tough for you though flowers

daisychain01 Sun 07-Dec-14 10:43:55

In view of what you have said, there are a number of factors to consider

1. Your DP is very supportive, a positive
2. Your DP doesn't have children but it sounds like he may want them in future
3. Your relationship sounds like it has good potential
4. Your age and the implications of declining fertility
5. The fact it is just a timing thing makes me think, supposing it's only a matter of a few more months or maybe a year and you and DP would want to start having DC together anyway....

These factors would make me feel strongly towards having the baby, with your DPs support, because if it's something that has been brought forward simply because of you being pg now rather than later, then go for it! I bet your DC would love a sibling.

If however you have doubts about the long term prospects with your DP, then that would sway me towards seriously considering about whether having the baby is a good idea.

I hope that doesn't make me have splinters sticking out of my bum thru sitting on the fence, but I think it is all about weighing up the pros and cons smile

daisychain01 Sun 07-Dec-14 10:46:36

A lovely and sensitive response from Dowser flowers

NewEraNewMindset Sun 07-Dec-14 10:47:14

If you are in your late thirties have the baby, honestly. It is possibly your last chance of conception regardless of how fertile you were previously. If he has no other children I am sure he will cherish the baby even if your relationship doesn't work out long term.

Mummyoftwobeautifulpoppets Sun 07-Dec-14 11:02:17

Thanks so much for all your posts.

That is absolutely spot on with what I was thinking if I do continue with the pregnancy blackdaisies, continue to treat it as a new relationship and not rush to introduce him to DC.

It really helps when you lay it out as you have daisychain. There are so many positives. Having had bad experiences which has certainly made me wiser and less airy fairy about relationships, I am much more confident that I can identify an emotionally healthy person! I do have a very good feeling about DP. Though it is very early days so I am still very cautious.

I also have thought about fertility Newera and I would dearly love to have another child at some point. If I wait, then I may not be able to conceive. He seems to be a very kind loving person, so I think he would cherish the baby regardless of what happens with us.

I think I know deep down I won't be making an appointment next week. Even though I already have two, its still unbelievably scary!

Mummyoftwobeautifulpoppets Sun 07-Dec-14 11:04:50

And I don think that was sitting on the fence at all daisychain smile it was very helpful

Vivacia Sun 07-Dec-14 11:20:47

Regardless of him as a boyfriend, what do you think of him as a father?

(I really feel for you OP this is a horribly difficult decision).

Mummyoftwobeautifulpoppets Sun 07-Dec-14 11:36:13

Thanks Vivacia. That's quite tricky, I've not really seen him around children! But he is very considerate and kind to his family,. Both previous abusive exs had terrible relationships with their families. I know this isn't conclusive but is certainly a good sign..

Justyouwaitandsee Sun 07-Dec-14 11:49:02

Not all relationships which move quickly are bad. I met my now DH, met his daughter (sensitively and for important reasons) a couple of weeks in, moved in together after 4 months, engaged after 8 months, married the following year and are now expecting our first child.

You might be doing things in a slightly different order, and have your DC to consider, but I definitely agree with the advice to consider both the pregnancy and relationship separately and together. Don't just assume either is 'wrong' just because of the timing.

Thinking of you flowers

elizalovelacey Sun 07-Dec-14 12:00:05

Whatever decision you make,I'm sure it will be the right one for you as you have clearly been thinking everything through at length. I wish you well and remember to be kind to yourself OP.

MillliChristmas Sun 07-Dec-14 12:05:27

From what you have written I don't think you could live happily for the rest of your life if you chose to terminate. But I think you have already decided to keep your baby[ Forget the man. Take him out of the equation. Choose for you.

WildBillfemale Sun 07-Dec-14 12:47:00

Decided after talking it through with him that a termination was the right option

You love kids, late 30s tick tock, met someone who you think is decent even though you don't really know him after 3 months. Are you sure this was such an accident? I don't think so.

I'm not sure where some posters are getting 'it sounds like he wants kids in the future' from, I'm getting, in OPs words talking it through with him we decided a termination is the best option. He doesn't want this kid. I suspect the loudest thought in his head is 'FUCK'

exactly what did 'being careful' with contraception entail?

Twinklestein Sun 07-Dec-14 12:52:50

Oh leave her alone WildBill, the bun's in the oven now, being obnoxious about it won't change anything.

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