Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Is Husband cheating?(74 Posts)
Ok so this is the first time I have posted on here and I'm doing it at 4.15am as I just can't sleep, I don't know all the abbreviations yet so you will have to bare with me!
On Friday night my husband myself and some of his work related friends went for a few christmas drinks. I came home early as I wasn't feeling 100%. My husband stayed out and all was well. At 2.30am he phoned me to let him in as he had lost his jacket and keys (not unusual when he is a bit drunk) I let him in and it was clear that he had been in some kind of fight. He immediately told me the whole story of how he had walked one of the women home as he didn't want her walking home alone and that he had given her a hug and a kiss on the cheek outside her house and her fiancé had come flying out and punched him in the face for no reason.
I had no reason to doubt my husband as he is always happy to walk someone home if they are alone and is a very tactile person who always greets and says goodbye to everyone, men or women, with a kiss and a hug (that'll be the Italian part!). I just assumed that the fiancé had seen the hugging and got the wrong idea. I trust my husband 100% as (other than once when we first got together) he has never given me reason not to!
About 10 mins later the fiancé sent me a message saying that he had caught them kissing and had punched my husband. (I ignored it as I figured that it may be easier to explain that it was all a big misunderstanding in the morning when he had calmed down)
This morning however I sent a message on FB to the woman in question to check she was ok and to let her know that I knew what had happened and not to worry as my husband had explained everything. The message I got back was from the fiancé saying that he had definatly seen them kissing, in his words "her arms round his neck, his hands on her arse, tongues down each other's throats" he said he saw them from the upstairs window and rushed downstairs, he said he wanted to check that he hadn't made a mistake so opened the door and stood and watched them for a few seconds. He said they were so ingrossed in each other that they didn't even notice him coming out of the house until his fist contacted my husbands ear. He got hit a couple of times and left without hitting back (I don't understand why as he is a very good kick boxer and could have defended himself). He also said the missing coat had been on the woman in question and if he wanted it back it was outside his house covered in piss...nice!
After seeing that message I felt sick, I have always trusted my husband 100% and we have a fantastic relationship (tmi alert-not a huge amount of sex due to reacurring yeast infection but a couple times a month!) We never argue and after 6 years together and a 2 year old daughter are just generally super happy!
I decided to do a bit of digging and check his phone etc and found that there were no messages on his phone from this woman at all...that might seem like a good thing but they are friends and I know they have sent text messages before as I have seen them! So he has deleted the whole thread of messages from her. Why would you do that if you have nothing to hide?? He never deletes anything and still has all the messages head ever sent in the 2 years he has had the phone!!
I am worried now. I have spoken to a couple of friends about it and they have both said that my husband adores me and would never cheat on me, and that they all want to meet men as lovely as him.
I am so torn, I want to trust him as I always have and as far as I know he has never broken that trust and I feel SOOO guilty that I am doubting him but I just can't shake this really heavy sick feeling in my stomach. I need help xx
Is it only the violent behaviour of the woman's fiance that is causing you to doubt yr husband?
It could be to do with something in their relationship - he sounds controlling if he's sending messages from her fb & if he's assaulted yr husband & pissed on yr husbands jacket, what has he done to her?
I'd tell your husband that you FB messaged the woman and was he sure he didn't want to admit to anything before you told him what you had been told.
If you don't want to do that, is there a way for you to check the phone bill that shows text messages back and forth? Could she be in his phone under another name? Is there a deleted items folder or a way to retrieve the messages?
I personally have all my messages sent to Gmail (via an app) so even if they're off my phone they're in my e-mail. Depending on his phone you could install a similar app on his phone and hide it (some phones allow you to hide apps) or put it in a random folder on his phone that he rarely uses so he doesn't see it... just for a couple of days. Though this would be a last resort because it shows you don't trust him and if he IS telling the truth this could shake your relationship.
I would tend to believe the fiancé of the woman. Why would he lie?
As to whether your husband is cheating with her or that was a drunken mistake , you're going to have to find that out.
I'd do as suggested and start digging around. It does seem suss that he's deleted the history of their previous contact though.
Mmm... The fiancé is on her FB reading her messages. That is a tad controlling... However his explanation of what he saw does sound pretty plausible.
I think your fiancé has some explaining to do. Explain that you sent a nice thoughtful message to the 'friend' and that you got a very detailed message back from fiancé saying he saw something very different to what DH described...Obviously don't tell DH what he claims to have seen. Ask DH to explain again. If he plays it down and then you could engineer a drive somewhere with you in the driving seat stopping at the woman's house on the way. When he asks 'what are you doing here?!' just tell him to go and pick up the jacket.. his reaction will be interesting.
Sorry... I think your DH has some explaining to do...
There is no need for your dh to be walking colleagues home and to be embracing them and then deleting all their messages.
Why didn't your kick over husband defend himself?
Maybe because he'd just been caught with his tongue down this woman's throat and knew he was (a) in the wrong (b) needing to get the hell out of there (c) not needing to explain to you why the police were knocking today?
You have to set aside possible control with the fb, the punch and the pissing. (Btw I guessed the password of my XH fb and read it from desperation not control when I guessed he was cheating).
But - forget this other guy's actions.
What I think often happens with these cheating scum getting caught out, is that there is just one bit of their story that is often the mildest thing, that just blows it all apart.
For me, that's the lie about losing the coat.
You think he's so lovely and wouldn't cheat (though he did, when you first got together. Which always makes me wonder why people say that like it's OK? Really, it was OK?) but he lies to you. About the coat. So - he is not the man you think you know. He's a LIAR.
And you are so right to be suspicious about NO messages from her.
Anyway, he'll eventually admit that it was a very cuddly hug and he was drunk etc... and he may well play on the fiancé being a shit, and how he's been supporting this colleague. And she's sent a few "wish I had someone like you" texts so he deleted them all so YOU wouldn't get the wrong idea.
I'm sorry love, but you are spot on with feelings, sadly. He's a cheat
Tbh, I don't know if your dh is cheating , but I don't think that he is being totally honest with you about the relationship with this woman.
I think that you have to do some digging.'
Btw, even the 'nicest ' of men cheat.
I would believe the Fiance'. Why would he risk an assault charge for something innocent? The reason your DH didn't retaliate was because he had been caught cheating.
Are any other text messages from other people missing? If he's not one to delete texts, but HAS for this woman, I'd be raging.
I agree with other posters too. You are now in the position where you may need to do more digging in order to have something you see with your own eyes rather than a second hand report.
I believe her fiancé. It's all very nice her walking this woman home but giving her his jacket and a kiss and a hug - nah. Not on. And don't excuse his kissing as being Italian!
I too would believe the fiance. I mean, why would he lie? What would be the purpose? To cause trouble between you and your DH just because?! No, I don't think so!
I don't think the fiance sounds controlling either. Just sounds like a pissed off bloke who has found his fiancee snogging on her own doorstep.
You need answers OP.
If the Fiancé knows he is in the wrong for hitting your DH, then it is totally in his interest to "big up" what he saw to justify his actions in some way.
The Fiancé is clearly controlling (checking her FB messages?! WTF?) and has anger management issues. He pissed on a coat FFS! That's not normal behaviour. Therefore I'd take anything he says with a pinch of salt.
Also, I'd be very skeptical about what he claims he saw from the upstairs window. They must have been several meters in front of the house for him to have had clear sight from the upstairs window (if they had been right by the front door they would not have been visible from an upstairs stairs window). Yet he also says they were right by the front door.
So I wonder if your DH is an affable fool, walked her home, gave her a hug and peck on the cheek, and now the controlling, jealous nutter of a Fiancé has gone into major arse-covering mode following his violent over reaction.
Not sure what to make about the texts. TBH I'd be more concerned about the fact that your DH get drunk regularly to the point that he often loses his clothes and keys, and you seem to think that is normal. Not really normal for an adult man.
Drunk men tend not to want to walk a woman home unless they are interested.
Probably a drunken christmas snog, he would have been mortified about in the morning except it was witnessed by someone who didn't like what he saw and got fisty.
Fiance has no reason to lie.
Fiance has every reason to lie to justify his violent behaviour. Still concerned what happened to bis fiancee.
Why would you delete perfectly innocent innocuous messages from a friend?
Why would the fiance go and punch your husband and piss all over his jacket, and contact you and give you details ... if it was all as innocent as your H describes? Who is more likely to tell the truth - a cheating husband or an enraged bloke who has just caught the woman he is engaged to, snogging another man?
The fiance is clearly fuming and he wouldn't be so riled up by the innocent, gentlemanly walk home your H is describing. He stood there and watched them - hand on arse, arms around neck, going for it. To not believe him, you would have to say he never saw any of that. Whatever he saw he was enough to make him lose it.
As for what your friends are telling you about you H being wonderful and loyal, and they wish they could find a man like that and he would never do that to you. If I had a quid for every time I'd read similar on here I'd be a rich woman. It means nothing. Cheaters don't advertise the fact, they disguise it - most of them brilliantly - so when revelations of cheating do emerge no-one can believe it.
As for people calling the fiance being 'controlling' for checking the facebook messages. If I caught my partner snogging another woman outside my house, I'd be checking his facebook messages as well I'm afraid, and a lot more besides.
OP checked her H's phone and no-one said anything about that? But the other bloke is controlling? How?
Why did he walk her home? No taxis that way?
They were very unlucky if in a very brief goodbye kiss the fiancée misunderstood...
Why was she wearing his coat?
Why did he delete her texts?
My dh would be in big trouble...
I Disagree that the fiancé is necessarily controlling reading her facebook, he may have suspected she was cheating witnessed her snogging some man outside and then checked her facebook to see if there was anything dodgy on there. He could be a really lovely guy, that's just seen the love of his life snogging some guys face off. He is entitled to be upset, jealous, angry, and doing some checking of her facebook. The OP has checked her DH's phone, how is that any different to him checking her facebook?
But depends if you know the fiancé OP? Is he a normally lovely guy, or is he aggressive/controlling? Have you spoken to your DH this morning?
I wouldn't assume the fiancé is controlling just because he was reading the FB messages, more likely he is snooping because he has his suspicions, much in the same way the OP was checking her DH's phone.
Sorry OP but for me the deleted texts are a huge red flag.
Have to agree that OP's DH is suspect here. Deleting the messages, the lie about the coat, the response from the woman's fiance all point in the same direction IMO.
I'd be saying to DH "Someone saw you last night with that woman, before her fiance punched you.... would you care to explain?" And then wait for him to fill in the blanks. You don't have to tell him that it was the fiance that saw him. Let him think it was an independent witness. And don't fill in the blanks for him. Money says he comes up with another version to cover his tracks.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.