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Having a child before older family pass

(18 Posts)
Rocky194 Sat 06-Dec-14 23:47:25

I'm 25 and my partner is 32 we have been together for 4 years, have brought a house and have 2 amazing cats. But something has been bothering me lately, my mom, dad, aunties uncles etc are all in their 60-80's and I'm terrified that some of the most important people in my life (the family) may not live to see any if their great nieces or nephews or grand kids that may may come along in the next few years. It's putting an immense pressure on my mind to think that my own dad (who has just has his 70th birthday) msy not even see his grand child.

Me and my partner have discussed having children before but nothing has happened yet. I have also discussed with him my fears but I don't think he understands as all his family are alot younger.

I do want children but this is tearing me up. Has anyone ever gad the same thoughts as me? If so any advice would be appreciated. confused sad

CocktailQueen Sat 06-Dec-14 23:51:48

So your dad was 45 when he had you?

I can see why you want to, but there's no point ttc or having a baby just because you're scared your family are ageing - you have to want to do it for you! And 25 is relatively young to have dc.

MrsCorr Sun 07-Dec-14 00:14:20

I'm in a similar position. I'm 26 & parents are both in their 60's & I hate the thought of them not being around my kids. I had a conversation with my mum last year & she told me that she wished she'd had me younger (she was 37) so that she would have longer with my children. She also told me that if I don't think my life will be any different in 5 years or so than it is now then there's no reason to wait. She didn't put any pressure on me but it made me think a lot. So now I'm 30 weeks pregnant with my 1st baby. My husband & I felt ready for a family & the timing felt right. It also feels amazing to see how excited my mum is & I'm so glad I'm doing this now with her help & support. Couldn't do it without her ❤️

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Sun 07-Dec-14 06:57:07

There are always people missing. My granddad died before my dd was born. My dad is dying now and won't meet any future children. DH's dad died 20 years ago. I'm grateful for the people who are still around and sad about those who aren't and haven't met my dd.

But there are always people missing. Always. It's not a reason to have children before you're ready.

BlackDaisies Sun 07-Dec-14 07:42:06

I can understand your feelings. But you can't plan your life around possibilities. My dad never met my son. Of course I feel sad about it. But it's just part of life really. You can't predict when or why people will die. I wonder if deep down this is more to do with an anxiety about your relationship and whether your partner is ready for children?

GnomeDePlume Sun 07-Dec-14 07:56:12

But there are always people missing. Always. It's not a reason to have children before you're ready.

Absolutely, this.

DF died before any of his grandchildren were born. On the one hand it is sad that he never met any of them, on the other he didnt live to see the utter cock-up my brother made of his marriage which I know would have saddened him.

People die. They dont know what they have missed. Life goes on so there will always be things that happen after the person has died.

MrsMerrywinkle Sun 07-Dec-14 08:04:36

My DF who was in his 60s had a heart attack shortly before I married my XH. He survived it but it made me fearful, like you, that if I didn't have DC very soon he would miss out on them.

Consequently I decided it was my mission to get pregnant - thank goodness I didn't as XH turned out to be a tosser and we divorced after 5 years. I met my DP shortly afterwards and we went on to have two wonderful DC who my DF adored. DF died when they were teenagers and he was in his 80s.

I'd say wait until you are ready rather than produce DC because you have fears about your aging family.

Joysmum Sun 07-Dec-14 08:37:29

My MIL died when I was 32 weeks pregnant.

I'd give anything for her to have held her GD just once...although I wouldn't really. We weren't ready to try for children beforehand and I feel pregnant in the first month. We did what's right for us and in turn, that was what was right for any child we had.

Windmillsinthesand Sun 07-Dec-14 09:11:13

My mum died on the day ds1 was due,and my dad died when I was 17,so they never met my children.You can only have children when it's right for you,you can't have them because you feel pressured.

ageingdisgracefully Sun 07-Dec-14 10:54:28

I agree with others. I was 42 having my dd: mil and dm were terminally ill and both grandads had already passed on. DD does not have memories of these people, obviously. Sad, but there you go.

People die, but you don't miss what you never had.

Have your dcs when it's right for you.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Sun 07-Dec-14 12:11:27

I had one grandparent as did DW. DD had 4 until she was nearly 5.

Remember that you're having a child and not a grandchild. There are some horrifuing examples on here of PILs who think otherwise.

ThePinkOcelot Sun 07-Dec-14 12:59:14

Tbh, no I never harboured any such thoughts.

My dad died before I had my dds. I'm sure he would have loved them and vice versa, but that's life.

Never have children for anyone else, just for yourself. Relatives are not there 24/7 anyway.

SockQueen Sun 07-Dec-14 17:05:25

I grew up with only one set of grandparents, as both my mum's parents died before I was born. As a very young child I didn't realise this wasn't normal - I had one set of parents, so one set of grandparents made some kind of sense. When I did realise, it wasn't something that upset me - I wonder what they'd have been like and what they'd have thought of me, but I am not sad about it because I never knew them. I think my mum is a bit more wistful, but she didn't even meet my dad until after they'd died so there wasn't much could have been done to expedite grandchildren before their passing.

We are currently both 30 and TTC, and our parents are fortunately all still with us, with ages ranging from 62 (DF) to 71 (FiL), so they will not be "young" grandparents. We are TTC-ing because we know it's the right time for us, not to try to give our parents grandkids before it's too late.

Trills Sun 07-Dec-14 17:07:42

That would be very very low down my list of things to consider when thinking "do I want a baby now or later?"

Trills Sun 07-Dec-14 17:09:00

If your parents are reasonable people then they would be horrified if they thought you were rushing things before you were ready because you considered them to be likely to kick the bucket.

Rocky194 Sun 07-Dec-14 20:03:49

Thanks for all the messages makes me feel so much better that I'm not the only one who has had these thoughts. By no means am I going to get pregnant tomorrow or even next year, it's just been playing on my mind thanks everyone smile xxxx

2rebecca Sun 07-Dec-14 20:16:44

I never met one of my grandfathers as he died young. The other 3 however saw me get married and became great grandparents.
People die when they die. that shouldn't affect when you have children as once you have them you can't go back to the child free days again. Enjoy them for a bit and cement your relationship. You and your husband having a strong relationship is more important than anything else for future kids.

LynetteScavo Sun 07-Dec-14 20:25:22

But you can't have a child when you're not ready just for other people to spend time with them/the child to have more time with them.

On that basis we would all have DC as young as possible so we can spend as many years with them as possible.

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