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WWYD re sexually abusive Ex (Poss trigger) **title edited by MNHQ at OP's request**

(21 Posts)
CupidStuntSurvivor Sat 06-Dec-14 20:19:11

During my previous abusive relationship, my ex raped me. He'd asked for anal sex, I said no, he pinned me down. At the time, my self respect had been pushed so low that I actually blamed myself for saying no. I later had a child with him, but left when she was still very tiny, partially because of the abuse, partially because I was sick of him cheating and partially because of drug use. I needed DD out of that dangerous and toxic environment. When I went back to collect some of my things, both he and his ex were there. Not surprising as he'd been stringing her along for years and did cheat on me with her I later found out. My confidence (or anger) had grown at this point, so in front of my ex, I warned her about this incident, among other things. He admitted it to her, making the excuse that he was high.

7 months later, because he has no criminal record, I'm biding my time allowing him supervised access to DD. Essentially, I want him completely out of her life but I have no hard evidence of the rape or any of his other dangerous behaviour.

His ex has been in touch. Though he's not raped her, he's been highly emotionally abusive and manipulative and has now cast her aside in favour of a woman who is completely new, knows none of his past, and has probably been told a pack of lies about why he and I separated. He was seeing the new woman and his ex at the same time for a while but discarded ex because he's now moved new woman in.

After his ex contacted me to tell me this (she thought he'd missed a contact visit and was trying to drop him in it) I got thinking about why she pursued a relationship with a man who'd admitted to rape. I've now sent her a message checking she's alright and suggesting she talks to someone about his affect on her as it's not healthy to want a man like that.

1st thought after I'd sent is that if she responds, I may finally have some evidence of him having admitted to rape.

2nd was that the poor woman he's now moved into his house has no idea what he's like and I'm racked with guilt for not reporting the rape at the time.


CogitOIOIO Sat 06-Dec-14 20:57:18

You're not responsible for other people, just yourself and your DD. That includes him, any exes and any future partners. He decides to behave in this criminal way and, if other women fall victim, it isn't your fault. If it would be the right thing for you to do to talk to someone about the assault - if it would give you peace of mind to tell your story - then do that. Could be Rape Crisis, the police or both. If you think his ex may have had the same treatment, that could be significant information.

CupidStuntSurvivor Sat 06-Dec-14 21:27:27

I keep thinking though Cogit that if he'd done something before and someone had decided to tell me or report it, I may not have gone through what I did. I know that none of these people are my responsibility but it's so hard to look past that knowing he's now with someone who hasn't got a clue that she needs to proceed with caution rather than infatuation.

Joysmum Sun 07-Dec-14 09:13:34

I feel for you, I am currently struggling with the same guilt.

Of course I know what happened to me isn't my fault but I feel so guilty I didn't report it and keep turning over and over in my head how many times he might have gone on to do this to other women.

I'm waiting for my therapy to start. I don't have the answer, it's getting harder to cope with sad

Rebecca2014 Sun 07-Dec-14 09:28:36

If you did decide to report the rape now, they would use it against you that you stayed with him after the rape and even had a baby.

You are not responsible for other people so feel no guilt.

ThePinkOcelot Sun 07-Dec-14 09:34:48

They would use it against the OP?! That cannot be right surely!

Rebecca2014 Sun 07-Dec-14 09:51:41

I am sure they would.

CupidStuntSurvivor Sun 07-Dec-14 10:59:31

That's depressing Rebecca though I'd assume this would always be part of the defence if it went to court sad

WowserBowser Sun 07-Dec-14 11:28:09

Plenty of women stay with abusive men for numerous different reasons. That should not be held against you.

Cupid - if a girlfriend prior to you came forward and said he had raped her, would you in any way blame her? No, it is his fault and his alone. He is a rapist.

You sound like you are doing so well. Don't hold on to any misplaced guilt. He's a scum bag.


CogitOIOIO Sun 07-Dec-14 11:31:28

That's totally incorrect about the decision to stick around being used against someone! The dynamics of abusive relationships are very well known and it is well understood that abused women do not find it easy to simply walk away. Besides which, there are many more reasons to alert the authorities to this man besides getting a prosecution. He seems to be a serial offender & needs to be investigated. Rape Crisis would be able to give you some good information.

OP, if someone had warned you, maybe you would have acted differently or maybe you wouldn't. Early days of a romance, it's really common to defend your choice of partner and dismiss what other people say as jealousy. Please don't torture yourself with too many 'if onlys' because it'll keep you stuck in the past. Work with the reality and take it forward

WowserBowser Sun 07-Dec-14 11:31:54

Have you spoke to any organisations such as RASASC by the way?

CupidStuntSurvivor Sun 07-Dec-14 12:44:24

I've not spoken to anyone about it but I think I might need to. I have no evidence of the rape itself but I do now have text messages from his ex about him admitting the rape to her. He's on his way over for a contact visit and all I can think is that I don't want this man near my daughter.

CogitOIOIO Sun 07-Dec-14 13:01:40

I'm not surprised you feel the way you do. Horribly unjust that at least two women are suffering as a result of his actions to your knowledge and he goes unpunished. Do talk to someone such as Rape Crisis, tell them what you've said here including the text to his ex.

CogitOIOIO Sun 07-Dec-14 13:04:01

BTW the main evidence is your say so. Whilst that may not be enough to convict someone on its own in a courtroom situation, we believe you when you say it happened and others will take you very seriously if you tell them

CupidStuntSurvivor Sun 07-Dec-14 17:49:56

Any ideas if I could get a residency order on the back of the messages and my account of the rape without actually reporting it?

CupidStuntSurvivor Sun 07-Dec-14 17:50:35

(I will talk to Rape Crisis by the way)

MiniTheMinxLovesMinxPies Sun 07-Dec-14 18:00:02

Tell him you have the text messages which confirm that he admitted the rape to a third party, then ask him politely to stay away. Make it clear that he will never see his daughter again and that if he intends to push for rights through the court you will be forced to use this evidence as proof he can not have unsupervised access. Perhaps his shame will prevent him from pursuing access.

CupidStuntSurvivor Sun 07-Dec-14 19:47:08

That's sort of where my thought process has taken me tonight Mini but I'm concerned that it could be seen as blackmail. Not that blackmail trumps rape, but I need to be cautious.

EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh Sun 07-Dec-14 20:29:39

If you reported it now you may never get him convicted but it would show up on DBS checks ( I think) and his current girlfriend would be mae aware, even if he convinced her you were lying.

CupidStuntSurvivor Mon 08-Dec-14 00:51:08

I've drafted a long mail now in which I outline that I'm stopping contact. I give several reasons, with examples. The reasons are the emotional abuse, drug use, his current lifestyle, his mental health, the rape and the fact that his visits are of no benefit to DD as he seems to use them more to get to me. I explain that should he choose to take me to court for access, I will fight vehemently, providing evidence of all of the above. That's not blackmail, is it? Just me explaining that I'm happy to defend my decision in court should I have to.

MiniTheMinxLovesMinxPies Mon 08-Dec-14 09:52:48

No, I don't think that is blackmail. In order for it to be blackmail I believe you would of had to induced him to do these things, or encouraged this behaviour with the express desire to gather evidence in order to blackmail him. As it is you are protecting your child. I hope it goes well for you. I don't believe men have a god given right to see their children, if it isn't in the best interest of the child. The child's rights and welfare are paramount, not the father's.

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