35 weeks pregnant, husband having affair.

[blanmal]

I hope I can get some advice, this is my first post on MN. I have a DD, nearly 6 and baby due early Jan. My husband works away from home, but his spells away have become longer and at short notice. He has been particularly disinterested in this pregnancy despite trying for so many years and one round of (unsuccessful) ivf. It was a surprise, but the baby was very much wanted. I have recently become suspicious of his relationship with his PA. He is always on the phone to the office even when at home, and he just talks about her too much. I had previously asked him outright if there was something going on which he has, rather predictably, denied. However, he is on his last overseas work trip prior to the birth and I have come across emails which confirm my suspicions. He was also changing the day which he had arranged to come home which alerted me as he was going to miss DD's Xmas play.

I have called him and said that I know he is having an affair which he has now admitted to. What is particularly upsetting is that it started before I got pregnant. He says that he loves me but doesn't feel that I have loved him for some time. This is not the case, I thought we had a strong marriage and I am devastated. He is coming home tomorrow and I just do not know how to deal with this. I'm not sure I even want him at the birth.

Sorry this is so rambling, my heads a mess. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[inlectorecumbit]

let him come home hear him out then ask him to leave again until you decide what you want to do.

so sorry

[CogitOIOIO]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Appalling of him to blame your 'lack of love' for his selfish behaviour. Why does no one ever just hold their hands up and take responsibility for being in the wrong?

I think all you can do is go into self preservation mode. He's made his bed, sadly .. Do you have friends or family you can go to for support? Someone you can confide in?

[CaptainAnkles]

So sorry, how awful. Do not let him turn it around so you're the bad guy for 'not loving him enough'. He's the one who made this choice.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

Let him in the house for long enough to pack a bag and fuck off until you've had time to think about what you want.

None of this is about your apparent "lack of love"! If he felt that, he had a responsibility to discuss how he was feeling with you. He didn't, so his "reason" is nothing to do with your relationship and everything to do with his lack of respect for you, your marriage and the vows you both made.

Fucking duplicitous, lying prick

[HamPortCourt]

Well if Cog has her Christmas name then so shall I

OP I feel so very sorry for you - what a horrible shock when you are at your most vulnerable. I agree with PP, he is trying to blame you by saying he had to fuck another woman because you weren't paying him enough attention and showing him just how much you loved and adored him.

Have you ever been the less loved party in a relationship? You do everything you can to make the other person love you more, you don't run off and shag someone else. What a lying turd he is!

I hope the talk goes OK. I could not stay with someone who has cheated on me as I would have lost all trust faith and respect and would feel utterly betrayed. However, it is not my, or anyone elses call and you must do what is right for you.

Best of luck and keep coming back for support as you need it.

[RaisingMen]

I would pack his bag, make him leave and concentrate on you. You are due to give birth in a couple of weeks, surround yourself with family and friends and take time to decide what YOU want x

[blanmal]

Thank you for all your advice. I want to hear what he has to say, and will take it from there. I'll let him do the talking and give myself time to think it over. After all, I haven't got any explaining to do. I'm hoping I can remain calm and point out that he still has responsibilities to his children. Im sure he would love to bugger off to her and play happy families with her kids but why should he get off so lightly? I think he'll be expecting a raving hormonal woman, and i don't want to give him the satisfaction.

[Vivacia]

When's this conversation going to happen blanmal?

[blanmal]

Vivacia- we'll talk tomorrow when he gets home. I've arranged for my daughter to play at a friends house, at the moment she is unaware that anything's going on and I want it to stay that way. At least because he has been away so much that's the norm for her if he does leave for the time being. I think it will be a big enough change having new sibling. She adores her father, and I don't want the situation to damage their relationship even though he doesn't deserve it! I want him to regret the choices he's made, but I don't necessarily want him back. I don't think I could trust him again especially if he continues to work with her.

[Vivacia]

Firstly, don't take on too much responsibility for his relationship with your daughter. You can only do so much.

Second thought is, would it be worth having a think what your conditions would be for trying to rebuild trust (meaning "considering" rather than "committing")?

[CaroleService]

Tell his mother.

[kaykayblue]

If he is has been having an affair with his personal assistant, then he has almost certainly broken rules of conduct at work. You cannot have relationships with people that work to you.

Frankly, I'd be looking to get something in writing from him confirming he has been having an affair with her, divorce him on the grounds of adultery (so he pays legal costs), whilst sweetly reminding him that his work might not be best pleased with the fact he's been fucking someone who works for him.

I would recommend that you look through some of the other affair posts before talking to your husband. There is quite often a script of excuses that men use, and if you know about them in advance, then they will be less disarming.

I can already guess what he is going to say:

It will be all your fault, and he ended up driven to it. You were so obsessed with getting pregnant that he felt like a sperm donor, and that you didn't love him for the unique and special snowflake that he was. Plus you have been too focussed on your existing child and not paying enough attention to him. It was his whore of a secretary who kept making passes at him (note: men in this situation remarkably always blame both the women involved but never themselves), and he was eventually driven to it. He was so ashamed that he didn't know how to tell you. He loves you more than the world, and he has made a terrible mistake, and it will never happen again and he wants you to THINK OF THE FAMILY (note: remarkable how women are expected to think of the family but men are free to stick their dick in whatever is passing without a second thought), and to give him another chance because you are his one and only, and he deserves to see his NEW CHILD growing up and you BOTH OWE IT TO THAT CHILD to stay together.

Blah blah blah

I swear to god if he even gives you HALF of that bullshit you should kick him in the nuts and divorce him on the spot.

Blame your hormones.

[blanmal]

Thank you everyone who has responded, your advice is really appreciated. To update you briefly, he has told me that he is sorry, made a mistake, doesn't want to break the family up. He had said that he wouldn't blame me if I asked him to pack his bags and leave. He has said that he does love me but hadn't been happy in the marriage for a long time. He has also said that he is in love with the ow. I have not made any decisions yet, and at the moment I just think that he is pathetic and is only saying all this because he is terrified of losing DD, house etc. I don't think that he does really love me, and part of me doesn't care because he is so pathetic I really don't think that I want to carry on being married to him.
The ow has resigned, and she actually had the gall to call me to apologise. I did speak to her, I wanted to hear what she had to say, and also if her version of events matched my husbands. She was pretty vague about details (such as when it started) and said they had only got together a few times. Her apology was so cold, I was just flabbergasted by her detachment. It sounds like she's the one that ended it but did admit that she has 'strong feelings' for him.

At the moment husband is at home (sleeping in spare room). I am putting on a brave front for DD who I think has picked up that something is wrong and just wants lots of reassurance and cuddles. I just want to get through Christmas and the birth, as far ad I'm concerned he just needs to be here for my DD and to be on hand to do the donkey work (shopping etc) so that I can get through the first few weeks.

To be honest, I don't really see how I will ever trust him again. It would take a miracle to save this marriage. I'm just getting through things the only was I know how in the short term.

[Cameochick11]

His explanation/justification almost matches kaykayblue's post - think of the family etc - I'm glad you're being strong and have put him in the spare room. Concentrate on DD, keeping your blood pressure down, and the last few weeks of your pregnancy, and let him squirm!

[Quitelikely]

What an absolute selfish bastard.

He's in love with the OW is he? Gosh I don't know how you can look at him.

Pathetic individual. Has she definitely resigned?

I bet they are somehow in contact.

[blanmal]

I am chipping away at him, lots of (for him) uncomfortable questions. He has said he'll answer any questions, so I am asking away! He hasn't spoken to his mum yet ( I told her), I think he's dreading that conversation because his father was a serial adulterer. He has said that there won't be any further contact with ow, but tbh I've told him to have a relationship with her if that's what they want. I think the reality is that she massaged his ego (and probably other things besides) and the excitement of a secret affair is what they enjoyed. Now, out in the open it's all just seedy and embarrassing for them. I know there's more fallout at his work to come as a result of this affair, and he deserves everything that's coming to him. Of course, she's just walked out of this without any affect on her family life. I just hope in the future she gets her just deserts one way or another. She leaves the office tomorrow apparently, he won't be there.

[Quitelikely]

Well I hope she is absolutely disgusted with herself.

Absolutely disgusting.

I'm glad you aren't begging him to stay. Keep your self respect intact.

[Onmyownwith4kids]

The best punishment you could give this pair of idiots is each other. Once the thrill of their sordid carry on is gone they'll be left with the reality of life together with their horrible entitled behaviour. You sound amazing. You've dealt with this with so much dignity. You're worth so much more than this cheating idiot.

[Adarajames]

Well you could blame your hormones only you are reacting so wisely and sensibly and with such self respect, you are a wonder, even if you weren't pregnant! How utterly awful for you, but you are handling it so very well. I hope you've family / friends you can talk To and get support from in RL. Hugs for you and your worrying little girl x

[Inertia]

You are dealing with this incredibly well.

In terms of giving birth, you might want to consider having someone you trust as your birth partner - a friend, your mum, a double - while your husband looks after your older child. He has utterly betrayed you, and at a time when you are vulnerable, exhausted and in pain you will need someone who can put your needs first.

[Inertia]

A doula!

[magoria]

He had told you he loves her.

If that was me it would mean the end.

I would never stay in a relationship with a man who loved another and had already betrayed my trust.

Easier said than done.

Do what is right for you and DC don't think about him for now.