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No contact from dd's dad

(10 Posts)
Tea1Sugar Sat 06-Dec-14 07:22:22

She's 4.5. Last saw him 2.5years ago, had no Xmas cards or bday cards, no phone calls or texts to enquire how she is. No court order. I don't even know where he lives or any contact details for him (only mobile) or any at all for any of his friends or family. Then in august he sent a text saying he "is ready" to make contact. After a difficult phone call two days later he agreed he couldn't just jump back in and unsettle her little life so much so it would be a long process to get to know her. W agreed he'd write to her (to my parents address where he last knew I lived). That was 4 months ago and I haven't heard a word. No letter, text. Nothing. He really doesn't care does he? Wwyd? Fwiw she has a fabulous step father who has lived with her and raised her since she was 20months and a baby sister.

CogitOIOIO Sat 06-Dec-14 07:55:04

He may completely heartless and not care or... being charitable.... he may feel embarrassed about his absence, nervous possibly, and the call in which you discussed how his reappearance would unsettle her life put him off getting back in touch. You know him better than most. What kind of person is he and what kind of Dad was he?

GoodAndBad Sat 06-Dec-14 13:16:48

As a child whose Father had to be forced to see me after my parents separated when I was 2, I would say it very very much depends on what kind of person and Dad he is/was.

If he is, as PP says, embarrassed about the lack of contact and doesn't know how to start putting it right but is essentially a good, kind person and capable of, over time, becoming a good role model that you would want in your DD's life then I would say maybe try to see if you can help facilitate the start of a relationship.

If, however, you split up because he wasn't a nice person, if he is incapable of being the Dad your DD deserves, then I would say leave him to it. I speak from experience, my F did end up keeping in touch, I saw him every 3rd weekend until I was 14. He never showed any interest in me, was emotionally abusive (I realise now) and when I was 14 became physically abusive. My DM blames herself for encouraging the contact int he first place when he didn't get in touch, but I don't blame her, she honestly thought it was the best thing to do because children need their fathers, but I would like it if anyone in this situation could learn from it and save their children years of heartache.

I would like to add thought that it is really good that your DD has a loving step father. I did too and I don't know how i would have got through many things without him. He was, and still is, my rock where father figures are concerned (he saved the day when my father caused a scene and walked out of my wedding before the speeches!!).

At the end of the day your DD obviously has a loving, caring family with you, her step father and baby sister, and that's what's important. She can see what a proper family should be like. Whether her father should become a part of her life only you can decide.

Tea1Sugar Sat 06-Dec-14 15:21:36

The fact that he "walked" back in after 2.5 years only to then go back to radio silence is the concern. It's detrimental to dd if this is only going to be a repeated pattern.

CogitOIOIO Sat 06-Dec-14 15:39:15

Children derive security & stability from a predictable routine but at the moment she has no idea who he is, most likely. If they met a few times and then he disappears again, it may not be as disruptive as you imagine. More like a distant uncle dropping by than a Dad. But if he sets up a schedule, they get a routine going and then does a disappearing act, that would be upsetting. So the key is communication - something he appears to be bad at admittedly - commitment, and everyone working together with realistic expectations.

Tea1Sugar Sat 06-Dec-14 15:46:17

She last saw him when she was 2 she doesn't remember him at all. Off her own back she's called her step father Daddy. He's been her dad in every which way since she was 20months old. So IF her bio dad does come back into her life what the hell do I introduce him as? She's only 4.5! As I said, he promised to write to her back in august and I've not heard a word so I'm not holding my breath.

Vivacia Sat 06-Dec-14 15:54:09

Surely, as the woman who decided to have a child with him, you are best placed to judge?

CogitOIOIO Sat 06-Dec-14 16:01:08

Does she know that she has a birth father as well as 'Dad'? If not, that's probably the place to start

DixieNormas Sat 06-Dec-14 16:05:57

He isn't bothered is he, I'd do nothing until he starts the ball rolling and writes the letter.

If she doesn't know about her bio dad now might be the time to have a tink about how you are going to tell her

Tea1Sugar Sat 06-Dec-14 16:28:13

She knows there was a "first daddy when I was a newborn baby" (he left when she was 2 weeks old) but doesn't remember his name or anything. I'd say between 2 weeks and 2.5 yo she's seen him ten times and not at all since.

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